*Trigger warning: this post discusses my pregnancy and also talks about second trimester loss in general. Please take care of yourself*
Good morning Lovelies,
I hadn’t planned to post anything today but I’ve had an interesting few weeks and wanted to share with you some of my thoughts. First off, I will say that I am 16 weeks pregnant. Still going well. But there have been a few tense moments lately… let me elaborate.
The weekend right before I hit 15 weeks pregnant I had a bleeding episode. I was pretty freaked out. No one likes to see blood when pregnant. And it was a lot of blood. I had a sneezing fit and ran to the bathroom where I had a gush of blood. Enough to soak through the paper when I wiped, twice. I’d had no bleeding in my pregnancy leading up to this episode and because I’d made it into the second trimester I really wasn’t expecting to experience any going forward.
Long story short after 3 hours of waiting and a nurse being unable to find baby on the doppler the dr. finally arrived and did an ultrasound. Baby was fine, and he couldn’t see any additional bleeding. He checked the lady bits and everything was all closed and tight. The final consensus was that I likely popped a blood vessel in my cervix by sneezing so hard and that caused the gush. Shouldn’t happen again. They sent me home.
While I was glad everything was ok in there, I came away feeling really angry. I had made it through the first trimester, I was supposed to be in the zone where you chill out and enjoy pregnancy. And NOW I bleed? And NOW I have to worry? I was so upset. Hormones likely didnt help. It made me think about all of those strong ladies in the infertility community who had to endure late stage losses, many more than once. I just shuddered inside and prayed that that would not become part of my story. I don’t know how they are strong through that. I’m not sure I could be. Then, just as I was starting to remind myself to enjoy every day that I’m pregnant, a friend who was two weeks ahead of me lost her baby. And everything seemed to screech to a halt.
How is the universe so cruel? How do people live through that? I know so many people who have suffered! WHY!? That’s why I titled this post “in the grey”… because that’s where I am. I’m in the grey of pregnancy. Where you are unlikely to lose your child but if anything happens they can’t yet save them. From weeks 12-24 I feel like you are in the grey…
Far enough along that if anything happens you have to go through a delivery of sorts. Far enough along that your baby looks like a baby and you will be allowed to see it after it passes if you want. Far enough along that you can chose to bury or cremate it if anything happens. Far enough along to have purchased things for it that will linger after. Yet not far enough that they can live without you. Not far enough that science can intervene. Not far enough to ensure that take home baby status…
The grey is flimsy, the grey is slippery, the grey is out of your control. You are at the mercy of fate and luck and genetics. I am in the grey. I pray for my friends who have had to endure second trimester losses. My entire being aches for you. I fear the pain you are in now… I try to hold your hand while also concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other on my own journey. As I plod slowly through this window and pray we reach the other side. One foot at a time, one day at a time, praying for 24 weeks.
Love,
The Chicken
So excited for you! Continue to give us updates on your pregnancy. We want to celebrate with you! Side note – sorry you had that scare!
Kimberly,
Thanks! I’m glad it turned out to be nothing. Happy it’s not a long term monitor kinda thing.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I have these thoughts daily, and I haven’t even had a scare. I just sit here and wonder at 27 weeks…what if something goes wrong? I have no control of it whatsover and it would be SO ME to have something happen after I thought I’d made it to the (almost) finish line.
*sigh* I’m going to go eat large amounts of chocolate
(So glad all is well in the long run for you!)
Kim,
LOL thanks. Yes sometimes there is nothing you an do but eat a chocolate bar and just hope everything pans out. At least in your case if anything happened likelihood of baby being medically saved is high.
XOXXO, The Chicken
What a scare. But I’m glad everything is okay.
Mel,
Yeah it was not the most fun I’ve ever had thats for sure. I’m also glad it all panned out well in the end.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I am so glad everything turned out okay for you, but my goodness how terrifying! Who knew that a sneeze could cause bleeding? I can’t imagine how scary that must have been. I hope that you get to 24 weeks without incident, benign or otherwise. I am so sorry for your friend’s loss. It is unbelievable what pain and loss people can be subject to, and can survive. Life can be so cruel. I wish for peace for her and her family, and smooth sailing for you through the grey area.
Jess,
It was no fun. I was SHOCKED at the amount of blood. I wouldn’t have been surprised if hard heavy sneezing could cause light spotting.. but a GUSH? *shudder* I’m just glad that’s all it was. Yes it’s so hard to watch others go through loss… especially when you are supposed to be “in the clear” so hard.
XOXXO, The Chicken
Aw, I am so sorry you went through that stress. I do hope it never happens again. Everything you say here is so true. When you are part of the ALI community you know about loss, including late pregnancy loss and it is not just a statistic because we have read the blogs, interacted with people who have lived it and we know how devastating it is. I am so sorry about your friend. And I hope you are out of the grey soon. When the little one starts to move around a lot it does help. đ
Turtle,
Thanks. I also hope it never happens again. This is one of those areas where I feel like I know too much. I wish I knew less. I wish I only knew people that made it past 12 weeks and never looked back! But that isn’t reality for a percentage of women, a percentage that I happen to know well. It’s devastating the things people have to learn to be strong through. Sigh.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I totally get the anxiety. I’m 25 weeks and I thought that once I hit 24 weeks I would feel better. I got another surge of anxiety when I hit 24 weeks. I have no medical reason to be scared but it doesn’t mean its not there. I just keep reminding myself to TRUST. That is all we can do.
Hallie,
Yes, having faith can be hard. I try to live in the faith of it everyday. Most days I am safe is the feeling that I am pregnant… other days it’s stressful. Here’s hoping you’ve been able to find at least some of the joy!
XOXXO, The Chicken
I remember being in this head space. Worrying all the time and feeling powerless to prevent any of it. It’s scary and maddening because so many are clueless that the unthinkable even happens. And yet it does.
Everyone who knows what we know has their own coping mechanism for this period. Some check out completely, others reach out to their trusted support system, while others write. Do what feels right to you.
And I’m so glad everyone is okay. Sending love to you and your friend.
Cristy,
I wouldn’t say that the worry is all consuming or always there, but it is a fact that I haven’t yet reached a place where he would be ok in the outside world, and that is always something I remember. I will feel much more confident and happy once I have passed that point lol. I’ve found lots of ways to redirect myself to the joy and away from the pain and fear. So far mostly so good!
XOXXO, The Chicken
Hi Kaeleigh,
Wow, your title scared the snort out of me, as my grandmother would say. So glad your checkup went ok…and so, so sorry for your friend.
This baby-making business is a slippery bitch, as you have said so often in so many different ways. My sister-in-law, whio has to be the most fertile woman on earth (pregnant twice, took 2-3 months each time, after age 37) actually lost her first pregnancy at 7 and a half months. It was so cruel. Clot in the umbilical cord. The second time (and here the warrior princess got pregnant 3 months after that totally unexpected and devastating loss), she injected heparin every day to prevent clots and everything went perfectly. An event like this is tremendously unlikely, but until it is all over, you can’t know who is ‘lucky’ and who isn’t.
Merche,
Totally and completely. I feel like life is a constant balance of weighing the excitement and expectations for the future with the reality that things are never set in stone. I feel like week 24 is going to be a breath of fresh air as baby could live outside me if need be. I feel like birth is a BIG breath of fresh air as baby made it to where is best for them… but none of that even means that your child wont be still born. None of that means that they won’t die of SIDs. None of that means they wont slip on ice and break their neck at 3, 6, 12… you get the idea. Being in the grey is just a reality that exists always in life. Not that that should stop you from moving forward or enjoying. But moments like my bleeding or my friends MC really bring it into sharp focus.
Sorry to have scared you! We are both doing well.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I’m at 14 weeks now. Bleeding too much for comfort. Doc says fetua is fine, but my megafibroid may be beginning to deteriorate. I wonder if I too might have popped a blood vessel. Sure, I was tense, but the examination hurt like hell. Hoping it will stop. Here we all are again, hoping…
Merche,
Its such a crazy touch and go time. I am so sorry to hear that you have been bleeding but am happy to hear that you are at least out of the first trimester. One hurdle at a time! It’s like that this whole journey it seems. Hope, result, hope, results, hope… Here’s hoping things smooth out and soon!
XOXXO, The Chicken
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