Good morning Lovelies,
Holy Twitter-rage, Batman! This past week was an eye opening experience for me on Twitter. Last Christmas season I wasn’t on it. I wallowed alone. This year I was able to wallow with others who understood how hard this journey can be. On one had… great! There was a lot of support going around for those in the trenches. Thank god! I really needed it. However, there seemed to be a disturbing lack of support for those who are no longer trying… Those who were pregnant or who had decided to remain childless. It was incredibly unsettling. The IF (infertility) community is a safe haven! It needs to be in a world that mainly celebrates fertility and reproductive success. But the need for support doesn’t end when treatment stops. Support NEEDS to be extended to all members who have traveled this horrid road. I want to address the two threads that I found most upsetting head on.
1. Pregnant after infertility- without treatment:
When an IF member becomes pregnant, miraculously might I add, without treatment… support them. Congratulate them. Pregnancy after IF, no matter HOW it is achieved, is stressful and scary. These people still need our support. This person has been down the road you are on, has gone through all the same treatments and truly understands. Yes, Christmas can hurt like hell. Seeing others get what you’ve been asking Santa for sucks, but for Christ’s sake, do not attack them. If you need to protect yourself please unfollow them but don’t lash out. Allow them to enjoy their pregnancy as much as they can. Sonograms and other announcements about the baby are almost inevitable. IF changed much of their life and forever corrupted their journey to parenthood, please don’t take the small joys of pregnancy away from them as well. May I just say, ladies, I am so beyond thrilled for you! Congrats on achieving your miracle. If others aren’t being supportive… Fuck ’em.
2. Childfree after infertility:
When someone decides that they cannot continue treatment any longer and chooses not to proceed with adoption they still need our support. It is incredibly sad that so many of the “childfree” after infertility feel unsupported in our circle. While the hope is that you are taking back control of your life and finding new joys after treatment there will always be times when your IF past haunts your present. Especially when we as a nation stop to celebrate a fucking immaculate conception. So when you notice someone going through hell, even though they are no longer going through treatment, reach out to them. Help them through this rough patch. Their stories have meaning. Their experience adds value to the community as a whole. We don’t all come out the other end with a baby. That’s valid and needs to be addressed. If any of my more positive comments hurt these individuals over the holiday I apologize. I see your pain, I acknowledge your journey, I respect that it’s hard. I send you nothing but love and support!
In closing, remember that the end of this journey does not undo the years of pain and tribulation. Though these individuals have moved on from treatment it does not mean that IF is less important or central in their lives. If you can’t handle someone, unfollow. If you choose not to unfollow know that the web community is a safe haven and needs to be respected as such. Don’t cut down or diminish those that need this space to navigate their lingering uncertainty and pain. Don’t let your personal pain corrupt this space for others.
With love,
Unpregnant Chicken
Wow, I’m not on Twitter, but how sad! And I’m glad you had the courage and compassion to voice this. My experience has been that pregnancy has been even more scary and vulnerable than treatment, so yeah, support is important.
A,
I couldn’t not. I fumed all weekend and decided to do what I do to destress best… blog that shit! HAHA. This journey is so far beyond difficult that we all need to be there for each other, in whatever capacity we can.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Here, here! Well said. There needs to be more support all around for ALL stages of the IF journey, whether they be happy, sad, or anything in between.
Wife of a sailor,
Thanks. It’s so important that we don’t tear others down. Stealing their joy is not helpful. It keeps them in pain and misery. Isn’t that what we are all hoping to avoid on this road?!
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
i truly understand how it feels to be on both sides of IF. I get that when you are fighting hard to get pregnant you can easily feel resentful or even angry towards those who have gotten pregnant. But I also know the joy and elation that comes once you finally get pregnant, and how badly you want to scream it from the mountain tops. We struggled for years, finally got pregnant via sperm donor, lost our baby at 6 months gestation and then finally got pregnant again. Our journey does not stop. We have a lifetime of explaining and helping our children understand our choice to use a sperm donor and what that means for them, for us, for the half siblings they have out there in the world that have the same donor, and the sadness of the baby we lost. IF never fully goes away just because you had your baby. Please be kind to everyone at all stages of this lifelong journey, we all need kindness in our lives.
Allison,
This is it exactly! Even if you are a lucky one that has reached the desired goal… parenthood… you need support! You will never be able to say we just got drunk one night and BAM made a baby. IF will always be part of your story and in navigating that part it helps to have continued support.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I’m glad I missed all of this on Twitter. Three cheers to this post.
Mel,
Thanks so much for your support!
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
The whole thing on Twitter was a bit much. I will say, I missed what folks have described as “lashing out” at the individual sharing their good news but overall I was really disappointed in a lot of what I saw. I think as a community we do #1 in your post better than #2 but there is improvement to be had in both areas for sure.
Createdfamily,
I agree. I think that on the whole we do better with #1 but there is a huge disparity from the support you get in the trenches. I also think it’s that the sides from #1 and #2 need to become better at supporting each other and the decisions they have made. It’s a hard road.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Great post! I don’t do Twitter, but this sounds awful. I feel like privately in my sad little head I can be resentful of those who make it, but always, always public (and private) supportiveness rules over that tiny sad and angry voice in the back of my head that howls, WHY NOT MEEEEEEE? Having had many many friends who got pregnant after infertility, both miraculously without assistance and not so, I see the struggles and the fears and the feeling of being deserted in the community after success and babies are born. It’s not fair. Also I have a handful of friends who have resolved their infertility through living childfree, and I feel that’s one of the most berated and misunderstood group of people for who knows what reason. It raises my hackles to be told I’ll just get pregnant one day, you’ll see–I can’t imagine being told that after deciding that a family of two is complete. Thank you for raising awareness and I am so glad I didn’t see the “wars” on Twitter. Love and support to everyone.
Jess,
Yeah it was something else. I am glad I got to experience it as it raised my awareness and changed the way I viewed some of it before. I also try to keep mainly positive as well because I know how badly I need support and I assume it is similar from their end.
XOXXO,Unpregnant Chicken
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Thanks for this post. I’m Gobsmacked and envious at any unassisted pregnancy but I always feel happy for the couple. I thought Jay handled the criticism amazingly well – much better than I would have . She defined grace under pressure and I wish her family only the best.
KeAnne,
Jay was the epitome of grace and understanding that whole week. I was very impressed. It’s always hard when others get what you so desperately want but I think it’s more important to remember that we all need support!
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
one word: Amen! Well said.
Cristy,
One word: Thanks!
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
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