Hello Lovelies,
Missing: Have you seen this child? …I would attach a photo for identification but, sadly, I don’t have any. You see, this child has never been real enough for photos to work on it. This child is yet to be conceived.
Technically speaking, something that has never been should not impact your life. It is technically a nothing. It should leave no mark, no pain, no lack. But I feel its absence all the same. This child, who is still missing from my life, has left a gaping hole even without a true existence. This child, that has never been, dances in and out of my consciousness. Playing at the edges of my vision, like a dream or a ghost. She haunts me.
Missing… I don’t know how else to describe this feeling. Something is missing. Like when a dear friend moves far away, or a beloved individual dies. Missing. There is a profound lack. But unlike these other times, when missing is expected, this missing is complicated. When I miss a friend I can pinpoint the missing that I experience. I can vocalize it. People understand this missing, it’s real, tangible. I miss the coffee dates, the way they made a room light up, the soft hair on his cheeks…
This missing is different. Slippery. Evasive. Unknowable.
What do I miss the most about this baby whom I have never met? Is it the turn of her mouth? Her laugh? The way she likes pizza? Or sandwiches with the crusts off? Or cupcakes with only yellow sprinkles? How her favorite thing to do is colour? Or read? How her eyelashes brush her cheeks when she dreams? What does she dream?
You see, I’m not sure what I miss. Everything and nothing. I don’t know this baby. But I miss her. She is missing. I keep looking for her with the hope that, eventually, she will be found.
XOXXO,
Unpregnant Chicken
I know this feeling and it’s horrible. When what might be turns into might have been.
Empty arms are awful. Sending a hug xxxx
Laura,
Thanks for the hug. Empty arms are so heavy! Hard to carry their weight at times.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Thanks for this post. It describes the feeling so well. I don’t understand how I can miss something I never had either.. can’t wait to see your arms full!
Renuka,
You’re welcome. Glad to be able to put into words what so many are feeling. Even while I wish I never had to feel it.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
True story. You do such a great job writing about this journey so that others, (and those fertile folk) understand. Big hugs.
Elizabeth,
I say true story all the time, that made me smile! Thanks for the compliments. I really appreciate everyone’s support.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Beautiful and haunting post. I feel this all the time. I have a drawer with folders full of embryo pictures that never became babies, but those pictures aren’t the same as the picture of the child like you have described so eloquently in your post. I have that child in my head, too, and it rotates between girl and boy, but he/she is ever present. Some day there will be a miraculous materializing of an actual child, somehow, someway. I hope for that yellow sprinkle cupcake-eating baby to materialize for you.
Jess,
Thank you! I hope for your child as well. I hold out hope for all of us on this journey. It’s all we have.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
You said this so so perfectly. I love this post. Especially this: “This missing is different. Slippery. Evasive. Unknowable.”
Thanks Mel,
I so appreciate the compliment. It is a weird feeling, to miss something you’ve never known.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Beautifully touching, graceful post about empty arms and voids in our hearts. This is lovely. I have felt that pain, and it will remain with me always. Sending many hugs to you as you navigate this difficult path.
Gil,
Thank you for your kind words. It is incredibly difficult. The support from the community has been helping though.
Xoxxo, Unpregnant Chicken
So hard. I understand.
Here from Mel’s Roundup. This is a beautiful, heart-breaking post. I have a ghost child too, but also one that is here with me. The absence of the second is sometimes as powerful as the presence of the first.
Turia,
Glad to have you here! Thanks for your support. It is very difficult. I wish you luck on your journey.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Beautifully written and very honest. The loss of a dream can be difficult to explain and why it hurts so.
Jamie,
Thank you! It is so hard to impart the feeling to people. I figured the best way would be a post. I’m glad it touched you and sorry that your journey means you understand the feeling.
XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken
Pingback:Happy New Year: 5 Goals For A Happier 2015 While Infertile - Unpregnant Chicken