*Trigger warning: this post discusses my pregnancy and also talks about second trimester loss in general. Please take care of yourself*
Good morning Lovelies,
I hadn’t planned to post anything today but I’ve had an interesting few weeks and wanted to share with you some of my thoughts. First off, I will say that I am 16 weeks pregnant. Still going well. But there have been a few tense moments lately… let me elaborate.
The weekend right before I hit 15 weeks pregnant I had a bleeding episode. I was pretty freaked out. No one likes to see blood when pregnant. And it was a lot of blood. I had a sneezing fit and ran to the bathroom where I had a gush of blood. Enough to soak through the paper when I wiped, twice. I’d had no bleeding in my pregnancy leading up to this episode and because I’d made it into the second trimester I really wasn’t expecting to experience any going forward.
Long story short after 3 hours of waiting and a nurse being unable to find baby on the doppler the dr. finally arrived and did an ultrasound. Baby was fine, and he couldn’t see any additional bleeding. He checked the lady bits and everything was all closed and tight. The final consensus was that I likely popped a blood vessel in my cervix by sneezing so hard and that caused the gush. Shouldn’t happen again. They sent me home.
While I was glad everything was ok in there, I came away feeling really angry. I had made it through the first trimester, I was supposed to be in the zone where you chill out and enjoy pregnancy. And NOW I bleed? And NOW I have to worry? I was so upset. Hormones likely didnt help. It made me think about all of those strong ladies in the infertility community who had to endure late stage losses, many more than once. I just shuddered inside and prayed that that would not become part of my story. I don’t know how they are strong through that. I’m not sure I could be. Then, just as I was starting to remind myself to enjoy every day that I’m pregnant, a friend who was two weeks ahead of me lost her baby. And everything seemed to screech to a halt.
How is the universe so cruel? How do people live through that? I know so many people who have suffered! WHY!? That’s why I titled this post “in the grey”… because that’s where I am. I’m in the grey of pregnancy. Where you are unlikely to lose your child but if anything happens they can’t yet save them. From weeks 12-24 I feel like you are in the grey…
Far enough along that if anything happens you have to go through a delivery of sorts. Far enough along that your baby looks like a baby and you will be allowed to see it after it passes if you want. Far enough along that you can chose to bury or cremate it if anything happens. Far enough along to have purchased things for it that will linger after. Yet not far enough that they can live without you. Not far enough that science can intervene. Not far enough to ensure that take home baby status…
The grey is flimsy, the grey is slippery, the grey is out of your control. You are at the mercy of fate and luck and genetics. I am in the grey. I pray for my friends who have had to endure second trimester losses. My entire being aches for you. I fear the pain you are in now… I try to hold your hand while also concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other on my own journey. As I plod slowly through this window and pray we reach the other side. One foot at a time, one day at a time, praying for 24 weeks.