Hey Lovelies,
So, I will keep this short and sweet. I apologize for some behavior that became heated and intense both on this blog and on social media. All I can say is that I caught some flack for a post I did and that flack came at a particularly hard time in my personal life when my family had just lost someone close to us. I’m not making excuses for lashing out, but I hope you can understand that I wasn’t in a good head space to be dealing with the comments I got. This is not how I usually act. I try my best to be a good advocate and to help others through this blog. This time, however, I really missed the mark and stepped on many toes. And then, when I felt attacked, I got angry about it. I don’t take back what I wrote, because I believe that I’m allowed my feelings, BUT I am sorry for trying to speak for a legion of other people who I don’t know and really can’t comprehend. That was wrong and I see why so many people where hurt.
I really want this blog space to continue to be inclusive, which I have done an ok job of up until now. In order to best do this I really need more stories from other infertile peeps to share. Please consider submitting your infertility story to Squawk Box, I want to include many of the viewpoints that infertility encompasses on these pages. Most of those viewpoints I can’t, and shouldn’t, speak for. Please help me to showcase YOUR voice in an appropriate way. Let me share your journey and feelings on this platform! NIAW this year is about starting to ask for support and awareness outside of, but also within, the infertility community. I am sorry that as of late I have fallen behind on my promise to be a good support for the broader community but I’m ready to address that now.
I’m ready to #StartAsking for more voices to share so that infertility becomes more visible, so that all parts of infertility are represented, and that we become loud. This is something I can do from here.
Won’t you help me? Submit your story now.
XOXXO,
The Chicken
*Check in Thursday when I will publish my “Start Asking” peice.”
What a great way to come back after something so emotional! I truly believe that every obstacle opens a door for growth, and if you take it, you can reach almost anything.
You can’t control the way people react to your words, and while they only offended some of the people who read it – those are the ones who spoke the loudest. I have been a long time reader, and while I didn’t love that post as much as some others you’ve written – I knew it wasn’t meant to hurt anyone and I wasn’t offended. To be honest the reason I didn’t love it was because it made me sad and I was worried I may never get to be in your shoes…not that your wording offended me. I think the some of the reactions you received were from people aching, and they may have ached no matter what your exact words were simply because the post reminded them of a possibility that they may never share. I thought about it for a day or two and once my fears eased a bit, I was actually able to take comfort knowing that (for some) the pain does lessen. Thank you for posting about that, it is a wonderful thing to look forward to.
I think it’s also worth noting that for some, your status in their mind has changed now that you’re a mom and they may be slightly more sensitive to your words than they would be if you were still in the trenches.
Keep writing for you (which is why so many of us do follow – because we like your voice!) – and let whatever happens, happen.
Raven,
Yes, now that I have graduated, as such, to parenting I think that my voice is diminished for many and my continued speaking about infertility dredges up a lot of feelings. But I stay because this is where I want to be. I write because that is my passion and life. People can read or not, that’s their choice.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I’ve been thinking about you a lot since your last post. It’s so hard to be attacked, especially when the intentions were good ones. It’s equally hard to then be continually kicked when you’re feeling down. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, especially during a period of such great loss.
As strange as this sounds, I’ve found that continuing to write, even when it feels like you’re doing no one any favors, is important for overcoming this hurdle. Your voice is important, even if it doesn’t feel like it or following attacks like this. So keep writing. Keep reaching out. Because we always promised that we would reach back, even if we get bit. And with your actions will come the trust that you indeed are holding true to that promise.
Cristy,
I agree. Continuing to put out posts ( though with less of a readership, sob) has been helpful. But you’re right, continuing to uphold my end of the bargain is all I can do, and worth it.
XOXXO, The Chicken
Very sorry for your loss and the insanity of the Internet. I can’t say I’m surprised that you or anyone would lash out when attacked – ever heard of fight or flight? I’m glad you didn’t choose flight and back writing. Take care of yourself.
Turtle,
Thank you. It was pretty close to flight. I thought long and hard about walking away. But in the end that wouldn’t have made me happy. I feel I still have a place here. So here I am.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I missed the backlash on social media, but I’m sorry you went through that. It is so hard to have thoughts in your head miss their connection to others when they come out on the screen.
Mel,
Thanks. It was pretty intense and came out of left field from the way I THOUGHT I had written that post.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I’m sorry that so many people were upset by your post. I’m sorry they felt that you were speaking for them, wrongfully.
I actually LOVED your post, not because I thought you were speaking for the infertility community, but because I thought you were speaking for a different community of people. Those who have had a brush with infertility, but not “enough” infertility to be allowed to call themselves infertile.
In no way do I want to start any drama over what makes you “infertile enough”, but I do have to say, that as someone who had trouble conceiving my second, I didn’t feel like I belonged in any community. I couldn’t seem to make those who have never experienced problems understand what I was going through, and I couldn’t bring myself to reach out to those I know who HAD had trouble conceiving, as I didn’t feel like I was having “enough” trouble.
Your post made me see that I wasn’t the only one with blurred feelings and blurred lines of infertility.
Beth,
Interesting, I would say that after three years and ICSI-IVF I would qualify as having had enough of a brush, but I do feel like I am moving past it with more ease than others who have struggled like me. But hell yes to the blurred lines. I think that parenting after infertility comes with all sorts of blurred lines and trying again after conceiving would be a similar mind fuck. I hope you got the support you needed. There is no such thing as infertile “enough”.
XOXXO, the Chicken
Dammit. I’d written a response yesterday but it seems to have been lost.
I’m not on Twitter, but this again makes me quite glad I’m not! It seems to be a place where people speak before they think, where there isn’t time to reflect or to let emotions cool, as there can be in blogs or emails. And as we know, hurt people hurt people – which can become a vicious cycle.
I read your post, but didn’t comment. I can’t remember why not, but probably a combination of mobile devices making it difficult, and – to be honest – feeling less inclined after reading your last sentences. I will tell you that I wish I had commented now.
I was pleased that you included people without children in your post. So often, those parenting after infertility ignore us, referring only ever to those “still in the trenches” and those who have “crossed to the other side.” I particularly cheered your comment, “The children don’t have to bring the joy.” Because that is what I, and many of my fellow childless/free bloggers and friends have discovered. I think too that in an odd way, it is what you are discovering too – not the thing about children, but that change and acceptance and time – whether as a parent or not – eases the pain of the losses or the journey we’ve been through. It does get better, however our infertility is resolved. That’s your message, and it’s mine too.
The difficulty is that there are people who are not ready to hear that message, and who fiercely resent those of us who have that message. It doesn’t mean it will be easy, or that there will not still be pain and sadness from time to time. I think some people feel that, when we say it gets better, we are denying and trying to diminish their pain. I don’t think you were doing that, and I would never do that – given that I’ve been through it too. But I like to think there’s a message of hope too. Life does get better. Not 100%, but that would be unrealistic. But the pain and despair does go.
Hell Yes, Mali!
Hell-to-the-yes! lol
XOXXO, The Chicken
So, I’d like to pretty much cut & copy Mali’s last paragraph without her authorization because I couldn’t have said it better. I just read the post & didn’t see why it required an apology. If people’s comments were that you may have sounded a little cavalier about how people could just have a child if they really want one.. okay, I get that. But otherwise, I think it was a beautifully written post. You wrote it, I think, while in this transition between infertility & new motherhood & so you were still pretty emotional about everything (+ the other things going on in your life.) I always tell people that I couldn’t write my infertility book now because I was so physically and emotionally (and financially) embroiled & invested in it then and now I’m not. I still have the love for my “infertile little sisters” and feel the responsibility to support the next class onto graduation (whatever that graduation turns out to be.) And I think ultimately, you’ll probably feel similarly if you don’t already, otherwise you wouldn’t have empathy for to the people you apparently inadvertently pissed off….
Lori,
Yes, exactly. I feel it’s my duty to help those still in the trenches stay afloat and want to stick around to try. I think people were just really hurting and I wound up triggering.
XOXXO, The Chicken