Lovelies,
Jesus fucking Christ (is that appropriate on Easter Monday? …Sure), last Thursday’s post set off a Twitter shit-storm that I truly did not see coming. So, let’s address the issues with the last piece head on and explain why I said what I did.
Issues:
– I said that the pain goes away once you are a parent. I have been loudly told this is not true for all. Some people, it turns out, ache and are angry forever about their status as infertile, even while parenting.
– I said that no one will care how you got to motherhood. This did not take into account the fact that people who have adopted still feel alienated by the constant sharing of birth stories. As they never had that experience.
– I said how people of other parenting means might feel. Which, admittedly, was wrong. I cannot know how every person who has ever been infertile but is now parenting will feel.
Why I said what I said:
– I feel the way that I feel and for me, thank god, I believe the pain has LESSENED now that I am parenting. I wouldn’t say it has completely erased the hurt from the last three years but it certainly helps. I am sorry that hasn’t been the case for some in the community. I really wish it was true for everyone, I hope it’s true for you.
– I, honestly, hadn’t thought about birth stories. I figure when Bean is 5 and in kindergarten we won’t be talking so much about births as when they are small and so it wouldn’t really matter. But, I don’t know. I have never adopted a child and so I shouldn’t assume.
– Basically, this is the one argument I agree with. You’re right, I shouldn’t have spoken for thousands upon thousands of people. Who are all different with different challenges and different experiences. I don’t know how everyone will feel once they are parenting, or if they go forward without parenting. All I can say to this point is that I have always tried to be very inclusive in my discussions and was striving to still do that.
Honestly, I am really struggling to decide how I still fit here. I am really fucking trying to stay with one foot in the infertile world and lend support and resources to those in the trenches while also parenting and blogging about that at times. But really I feel like every damn post I put out causes problems. Like I can’t be good enough now that I had a baby. I try to be inclusive-I get burned because I don’t know everyone or every feeling… I only talk about me-people area assholes about how we aren’t all success stories. Like I am under a microscope and every word can be twisted because I “just don’t know” how you feel, or what I would have done if… Can we assume that I mean what I do here with the best of intentions? Can we not on purpose look for any way I might be wronging you? Jesus. I’ll try harder. But I can’t help feeling a lot of the times people would rather I just shut up and so it doesn’t really matter what I say.
Thanks,
The Chicken
Unlike other PAI I give you credit for trying. Others don’t even try. For that I am grateful to have you as part of this community.
The one question I have for you is how would you like to fit into this community putting aside all of the reactions (which I’ve contributed to) aside?
Greg,
I’m not really sure. I’m trying to figure that out.
The Chicken
You have always owned where you are at in your life. You do not need to make apologies, you are not responsible for other peoples feelings, you are only responsible for your own and I am glad to read what you have to say about them. Thank you for always being honest (good, bad, and ugly). I also had struggles becoming a parent. They weren’t the worst that I have ever heard, but they weren’t easy for me, and at some points they were down right devastating. But I am past that phase of my life and for that reason I can’t and won’t hang on to the pain and I am ABSOLUTELY ECSTATIC to see you and your Husband move forward and grow into a new phase too! Isn’t it amazing how much growth we experience in our lives? How something that hurts so fucking much for so long becomes a distant memory that you can do nothing about except think “If I would have known then what I know now” . I know I would have saved my self from so many sleepless nights and upset stomachs and cried so many less tears. But that’s for anything. Not just fertility struggles. You can’t please everyone. And as for the whole “Birth Story”business I’m going to call it BULLSHIT, the most amazing stories I have heard are those from parents that have chosen to adopt, and I would encourage anyone who feels the need to claim that an adoption experience is any less amazing or important than a “biological” experience to go fuck them selves and their distorted ass hats. We are all parents. In the trenches together raising the future of this world, the vessel in which we arrived to this place really doesn’t fucking matter. You are going to come across people who aren’t as fortunate as you. That’s going to be true in all areas of your life, not just fertility. Don’t you dare apologise, continue to advocate, continue to educate, and continue to be a beacon of hope and a living example that sometimes, you get what you wish for.
Xoxoxoxox
The Other One
Kaylee,
I can’t even really find the words to adequately express thanks for this comment. I fucking love you chica! ‘Nough said.
XOXXO, The Chicken
Good for you!! I understand that it’s a sensitive topic, but this blog is about how YOU feel. How YOU handle things. I’m glad you called out the overly sensitive. Does anyone really think you’re trying to do anything negative?! I mean, seriously.
Cheryl,
Apparently, yes. Which I found shocking. LOL
XOXXO, The Chicken
I saw a quote the other day that said something like “it would be nice if people saw a post, realized they didn’t agree with it and moved on without feeling they had to correct the other person.” Everyone has different experiences and you can only speak from your experience. I find your posts refreshing and thank you for writing them. Especially the ones about the baby blues and breastfeeding troubles. It helped me to see someone else going through it. My husband and I have our first baby after years of trying, multiple ivf cycles and misscariages. And I had a very hard time after he was born. I was the opposite of happy and was not able to breast feed. Your posts helped. So I for one would be very sad to see you stop writing. I do not agree with every post but neither do I feel the need to drive my opinion down others throats. If they don’t agree they can stop reading.
Ann
Ann,
True, but I think because I help to educate others people were vehement that I understand their situations and not speak erroneously. They had a point, they just conveyed it in a hurtful manner. I wish they would have just walked away. But live and learn. Thanks for the support.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I think that you should share your voice and experience. Of course that is valid and worthwhile. Talking about your experiences are the best way to go. I would never expect we’d all feel the same way. I don’t think you should stop writing, unless you want to… This space is for you. I am sorry if you are feeling angry and hurt.
I think maybe the Twitter reaction to that particular post (I don’t know of issues. with any of other posts) was maybe assuming a bit how others feel? That definitely makes people tense/ harder to walk away. Especially as you stand for education? For me, responding to that wasn’t about being nasty to you but educating you as perhaps you haven’t navigated some of these before? (I am part of a Parenting after IF group and moderate an adoptive parenting group and hear about these issues often so I do think the feelings you heard about are valid, and of course, run the gamut.) But I certainly wasn’t trying to create or cause a shitstorm, sorry if it felt that way.
I say speak to your own experiences, and while I think being inclusive is ideal I think you need to decide if you are going for all inclusive or personal. If going for inclusive…Quote research, guest posts, ask people to comment how they feel in their own experiences rather than assuming, etc… No one would fault you though for going the personal route either though. I used to run an educational
iF blog years ago, then went personal, now I don’t blog much at all. Good luck finding what works for you!
Jess,
I appreciate whenever people help me to learn more about the community I cant possibly know it all all by myself! I don’t know your exact responses and it doesn’t matter. I was really hurt and angry but that’s ok I’m trying to remember that people that are hurting and not to take it as personal as it sometimes comes across.
XOXXO, The Chicken
You win some you lose some. I didn’t love your last post but I moved on from it because it simply wasn’t about me and I believe that people should be able to express themselves on their own outlets.
There are so many different scenarios, and different emotions. Everyone’s reality is different. I have always believed that after you have children, your reality changes, and it changes in a way that you can no longer relate to the IF community. That doesn’t mean the pain goes away, it doesn’t mean that you now don’t have any struggles, they are just different now. They come from a different perspective, one that parentless people (like myself) just don’t know yet.
I understand you wanting to hold on to some of the things this blog was before your little sprout but maybe it’s time to just let the blog take the shape it’s going to take. Whatever that means for you. You may lose some, but your true self will shine through and you’ll win a lot too.
I have come to a point in my journey where it doesn’t really bother me to follow former IFers and their new journey in parenthood, but that’s not the case for a lot of people and that’s ok. You have to be ok with letting them go on their journey as you did yours. You are an awesome person with a great personality and it would just be nice to see some of that in your posts again instead of forcing posts about IF when that just isn’t your life anymore…I mean this very sincerely and I’m sorry that your last post wasn’t well received.
Lavonne,
Thank you for your kind words. Yeah it’s tough to find where I fit now, I will have to continue to wrestle with it. But you’re right. I need to do it from where I am now. Being authentic is what’s best for me and the blog. If some need to leave that’s the way it has to go I guess.
XOXXO, The Chicken
Sorry to hear you felt piled on! I’m not on Twitter so I had no idea. Sounds like a great many emotions were stirred up. I agree with Lavonne above that sometimes you might have to choose between a personal blog entry and writing as an IF educator/voice of the community. People are always going to be more opinionated, emotional and yes judgmental if they feel you are trying to speak for them as an individual or as a group. Anyway, I’ll just reiterate you’re cool with me and I’m 100% for free speech in all its forms, so I hope you keep writing. 🙂
Turtle,
Thanks. It was intense, lots of emotions on all sides. Thanks for the support.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I think your intention has always been to be helpful. And even though not everybody will like or agree with what you post, I do believe that some readers will understand, will identify, and will gain strength from reading your blog. For those people, carry on! You can’t please everyone, but even if you can help some, I think it’s well worth it.
Personally, you have been one of my strongest supporters through fertility treatments and beyond, and I’ve shared your blog with several other ladies who I thought could use the support and inspiration.
Much love and respect to you!
Renuka,
That’s true. Some take it, some don’t. I just have to breathe and allow that to be a thing. I’ve been so grateful for you during my journey as well.
XOXXO, The Chicken
After reading your Parenting After Infertility post, I was someone who resonated with it. I agree that “the pain dulls and you feel decidedly less infertile.” I heard you when you said it “fades,” and it “won’t be as strong.”
When you mentioned your son entering Kindergarten and that others won’t care how you got there, I agree. I understood it as others won’t care, not that you won’t care. If you DO think that you won’t care, then you’re a stronger person than me! I think about my journey on an almost daily basis. Again, the pain is duller, but it doesn’t go away. When I drop my son off at Pre-K, the other parents and I do not discuss what it took to get him here, unless someone has been through something similar. Even then, it’s only during few and far between conversations. People who don’t know your journey just assume that you decided to get pregnant, and it happened. In saying that, every day I walk around feeling different than others, as what I experienced is still with me.
Some might say it’s easier for you to feel the pain has faded because IVF worked for you on the first try, and because you didn’t have any pregnancy losses. Some could say that the pain has lessened for me because my first child was conceived in 11 months (with a RE and medication). They would disregard the 12 week miscarriage, four rounds of medication, 3 IUI’s, 1 IVF, and two frozen transfers to bring my second child into the world…all because I had a first “easily,” and should be grateful for what I have. However, we’d be playing the Pain Olympics if we went down that road, and that is one the most common and unfortunate problems that frequently gets played out in the community.
You say what’s on your mind, and you seem to have a feisty personality. That can be tough for some to accept. I can appreciate how some would have been upset by you attempting to speak for the whole community regarding other ways to mother. There are bloggers who blog about their personal journey, and bloggers who educate the public/community without getting too much into their personal story. You need to do what’s best regarding your blog, but I wonder if you might find your voice more easily if you chose one or the other. Parenting after infertility IS valid, and is not always a happy go lucky experience. Often it’s just the opposite. If it’s happy go lucky for you, then feel free to express that. If it’s not, I’m sure many readers would want to hear about it. But it has to be authentic.
I am sorry that during your time of bereavement you are dealing with hurtful comments. I agree with your reader Ann who mentioned the quote “it would be nice if people saw a post, realized they didn’t agree with it and moved on without feeling they had to correct the other person.” Infertility is such a hot button topic, and it causes anger, grief, and disappointment, just to name a few. I think folks are reacting from their personal experiences, especially those who have been deep in the trenches. However, there is often a healthier way to make a point about things we disagree with.
Best wishes deciding where to go from here!
Jen,
I agree, I feel like both sides became to heated and there were probably a myriad of ways I could have handled this situation better. It will take time now that I’m parenting to redefine my voice. I’ll keep after it.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I think people should be less self righteous. Your post was always your voice and your views. You don’t speak for them, only yourself. You speak TO your audience and that is very valuable. I loved your post. If others want their views represented they should start their own blog. It’s not your job to know how they feel, or to have a perfect understanding of everyone’s infertility journey. Honestly you just need to let this slide off your back. You do a great job. Your post was clear that this was your experience. I love your parenting posts.
Emma,
Thank you! I really felt it was a pretty benign post but unfortunately it wasn’t taken the way I meant it. However, you’re right… water off a ducks back, or chicken as the case may be.
XOXXO, The Chicken
You’re encountering a problem some many face following pregnancy and parenting following infertility. It’s something I most certainly struggle with too. All the sudden, you find yourself walking a tight-rope you didn’t know even existed before. You try to be inclusive while also being true to your feelings and outlooks. The reality is, you will have those who are angry with you.
I found your blog after a similar firestorm due to Jay’s second pregnancy announcement. I remember very wel all the hurt feelings and outrage that resulted from someone who is actively advocating for this community announcing her much long-for pregnancy. Given all that happened, Jay handled herself with so much grace and understanding. So I guess if you’re trying to figure out how to proceed, I would suggest looking to her as an example. Read back on your post too from that period. Reflect on what you were feeling then and how you are feeling now. And then look to how all was handled.
In the end, you need to be true to yourself. You need to voice your thoughts and feelings. But be aware there are those who are hurting deeply who are looking for any reason to lash out. Being aware of that will allow you to meet their responses with kindness as well as help you navigate this road moving forward.
Wishing you all the best with this.
Cristy,
Yes, I remember that vividly. You’re right. I also think looking back on it that I took things said to me too personally (even though that’s how they were meant) and I should have stepped back and reevaluated before being drawn into it with people who are obviously deeply grieving. I could have handled myself better even though they did not. Thank you for your calm insight. I know you’ve been through similar when you became pregnant, it’s a weird place to find yourself.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I’ve been following your blog now for quite some time and I take SUCH pleasure in reading about your journey. It is YOUR journey, and a blog is intended to house YOUR opinions and thoughts. You aren’t a clinician, you are simply sharing your own experience. And you do an amazing job! Sometimes when I hear about this type of backlash, I feel like reminding people that YOU READ A BLOG BY CHOICE………and if you don’t like it, FIND ANOTHER BLOG. That’s the beauty of blogs – there are a million out there and you can choose one that you best identify with. You clearly meant no harm, in fact you intended quite the opposite.
Please don’t feel like you don’t “fit in” in the infertile world anymore, because that simply isn’t true. What you and your spouse have endured is something a lot of us are currently enduring, and seeing you happy, parenting, and on the other side of this messed up journey helps some of us keep going. You give us hope. You inspire. You entertain. You relate. You educate. You help us feel normal and like we aren’t alone (we aren’t!)
Thank you for all you do, lovely!!!
Heather,
Thanks for being able to see to the core of the intended message and thank you so much for following my entire journey. I’m glad it speaks to you in a way that you need and I am so glad that it hit like all my different post types. I really enjoy writing them.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I’m going to my transfer today and I’m reading this blog that I so happen to find at 5 in the morning. I’m nervous and anxious but reading it has helped me ease up a bit. So, I’m still in the trenches but by goly, this is your journey and you’re kind and generous enough to let us snoop into your personal life and for those grown ass people dissing your happy posts need to get a reality check that life has no safe space and just because someone gets offended doesn’t mean they are right. My take is, be happy for those that made it because then there will be no one to be happy for them when they do. Shoot, aren’t we wanting to lift each other up??!
Lucy,
Girl, you said it! I so hope that your transfer goes well and you are able to relax in your tww (ha! I know). All the baby dust your way and here’s hoping you’ll join me on the other side soon!
Xoxox, The Chicken