*Triggers for birthday, Christmas and pregnancy. Love you all, but read on only if you’re able*
Hey Lovelies,
I’m no longer in my twenties as of this morning. Today I turn 30! I am not afraid of the increasing digits on my cake, nor am I someone who will mourn the loss of my 20’s. My 20’s were hard and filled with some crazy, intense growth but I am ready to move on to my 30’s. Still, it’s a big day none the less. I am now 30 years old and 38 weeks pregnant. Holy moly. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?!
Last year, my birthday was incredibly hard. The hardest one I had ever had, because I’d passed my 28th year and hadn’t become a parent like I’d expected my whole life. Although last year my birthday was the hardest, it was really just the cherry on the part of the year that I dreaded most. The entire winter holiday season was always excruciating for me while trying. Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas and New Years ripped my heart out every year that we didn’t conceive. With my birthday and Christmas being the absolute worst of the bunch. Another year older, no baby. Another Christmas, with only our sad 3 stockings on the mantel (me, hubby and dog). Another year past, and I still felt like I was drowning.
This year things are markedly different. This year, I can hardly move due to my incredibly large circumference. This year, there are 4 stockings on our mantel ready to be filled. This year, I am able to birth my healthy baby any time now and so I spend my days wondering if this will be the day to bring me the present I’ve been waiting over 3 years for. It’s almost Christmas time and it seems Santa finally got my letter. My boy is finished up cooking and we will get to be parents very soon.
I don’t say this to gloat. I say this because it truly feels like a dream. I say this because I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so blessed or overwhelmed by gratitude in all my life. I get to be 30, and a parent and, … happy this Christmas?! I don’t know what to do with all of these feels.
As I get ready to take a brief pause from blogging, to welcome baby and re-vamp the structure on the blog, I want you to know that this last year… when I was 29, and not a parent, and dealing with letting go of my many dreams from childhood, that you sustained me. This blog has saved my sanity and my life and I am beyond grateful for you all. As I start this new year and new chapter I hope you will allow this space to morph into something that helps YOU get through the years, just as it’s helped me. Even when they pass without baby, or as another treatments fails, or as you move on to next steps that you couldn’t have imagined needing. That’s my new birthday wish this year: that you all find comfort and solace on YOUR journey and that you hold onto that last, tiny shred of hope. Last year that seemed so hard for me. I hope this year is looking brighter than that for you!
XOXXO,
The Chicken
I’m so happy for you! I’ve followed you for a while now and since your positive I’ve done so gently I’m never in a good place any more but I still love everything pregnancy/baby related even if it does upset me. My 26th birthday was March 25 and December marks 6 years of trying for my husband and I. I know what you mean about the holidays and this year we are over 12 hours away from our families we moved to a new state its good and bad, no awkward questions or hints or comments, but its almost lonely without all the family stuff. But we are our own happy little family the dog, cat and two ferrets mark four of the years we have been trying and then we couldn’t get any more because we rent and have a tiny house.
Dawn,
I am sorry to hear that you are in the throws of it but happy to hear from you while you’re there! I’m so sorry that you are so young and have been struggling so long. Life is not fucking fair. It’s so incredibly hard to have to go through this all and I am glad that it seems you and hubby are supporting each other. The holidays are beyond challenging when going through infertility. It will be a mixed blessing for sure this year being away from your families. I hope your household enjoys them as much as they can and you get lots of fur baby snuggles. I know my dog is always good for those!
XOXXO, The Chicken
I am always surprised by the sheer number of people under the age of 30 who have trouble conceiving. I often think that it’s us 35+ year olds (advanced maternal age) that have the most challenging time, but that’s not always the case. It makes you stop before saying “You’re so young. You have so much time.”
Happy 38 weeks Kaleigh, and have a wonderful milestone birthday. I’ll be thinking of you and eagerly waiting for an update!!
Jen,
yes infertility is a crazy mixed bag. Many causes and timelines that are involved. I started trying at 26 and didnt conceive at all until now ( at 29) with IVF. Its crazy. My original GP actually tried to delay referring me to my clinic because I was young and to give it more time. I insisted.. thank god!
XOXXO, The Chicken
Been awhile since I could find time to comment, but have been following your journey all the while. So excited at how clise you are. And interestingly, probably because of my birthday being the 29th, as well as the holiday season, I recently posted as well about “one year ago.” Sooooo glad and thankful beyond belief for 2015. It is anazing how complete and content I am now, and I feel it thru your words too.
“Nicole”!
YAY your boys are doing well! Yes what a difference a year can make. I’m glad you’re still following!*scampers off to catch up on yours*
XOXXO,The Chicken
Happy birthday! May it be a wonderful year (and a wonderful decade!).
Mel,
Many thanks!
XOXXO, The Chicken
Happy birthday! I think the 30s are an awesome decade. In so far as you can generalize about such things. And birthdays are always better when you are happy with your life.
Turtle,
I think that the older I get the more I love each new decade, so I’m sure over time I will agree that the 30’s are a great one.
XOXXO, The Chicken
Hi,
I’m a little bit late to comment, but what you said is kind of funny… I hear you so much!!!
Last year, on my 29th birthday, January 5, I was pregnant, I was 13 weeks. Or I thought I was. I learned on January 6 that baby stopped developing at 9 weeks. A week after D&C, when had a car accident and did roll over, the truck was a total loss. Needless to say that the beginning of 2015 was hard on us. It took a while before I went back to my old self.
BUT, we made it through! We had a FET and we got pregnant again. I’m now 37 weeks & 5 days with a boy and I’m expecting on January 8, just after I turn 30, too. This Xmas season is definitely special. We can’t wait to meet baby, even if I’m not ready to not be pregnant yet. 🙂
I wish you the best for the delivery and a perfect Xmas holiday!
Caro,
How wonderful! I hope your birth was easier than mine and that you are finding your way into mommyhood!
XOXXO, The Chicken
I hope you have a lovely first Christmas with your little one. Your post gave me hope today as I am dreading the holidays. A month ago I spent my 29th birthday attending my nephew’s baptism and crying on the 5 hour drive there and back. I too envisioned becoming a parent at 28 but it was not to be. I hope next year brings me better luck. I have my first appointment at the fertility clinic next month and in the meantime I am keeping holiday visits short and getting my husband to shop for our 6 nieces and nephews.
Happy holidays!
Lavender,
Its so hard when life doesn’t track the way you’ve always expected. I hope for you that 2016 is your year and that your holidays weren’t too painful.
XOXXO, The Chicken