*Mild Trigger: Pregnancy after IF*
Hey Lovelies,
A follow up to my most recent post, In the grey. I feel I need to clarify: While I am living through pregnancy after infertility and there are often MOMENTS of fear I must admit I have been lucky. I am not living ALL my moments in fear. I am not even feeling that fear every day. As I approach week 17 I remember the women I know who lost their precious children at this point. I brace for the coming weeks because they are filled with many women who have gone through the unspeakable. Week 24 is when this seems to drop off steadily. Due to medical advancements and better independent viability. So week 24 is looking super bright. But I am not living in the fear until then. I want you to know that while the thoughts of loss are around, and I have them, they are fleeting. For the most part I am very much enjoying my pregnancy. I am happy as fuck to be here and, while it’s important to voice those fears when they arise, I think it is equally as important to tell you that I am not stuck there.
Pregnancy after infertility is a heady and intense thing. Some people become ruled by fear of loss. Because it is all they have known on this journey so far, the terror of the other shoe dropping can remain. And some aren’t. I fall into the not so much bucket.
Mostly, I feel strong in this pregnancy. Mostly, I feel relaxed about it. Mostly, I am handling things the same way I had planned to handle them before my diagnosis. Mostly, I’m not feeling paralyzed by everything.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t moments. I definitely had some hard moments after my bleeding episode in week 14. However, I want to give hope that these moments don’t necessarily rule your life. Pregnancy after IF is interesting. But it’s also sort of like every other pregnancy out there in that they are all different. So, if you feel fear intensely: that is fine and normal. If you don’t: also fine and normal. Pregnancy is a big shift all around, all manner of reactions are typical. Hormones and emotions will shift from day to day or month to month as things progress and change. Be gentle on yourself. I hope you are finding the light at least as often as you are visited by the dark on this journey. I wanted to be honest and let you know that I have been walking in the light with only brief moments of shadow.
Be well,
The Chicken
I love this: “I wanted to be honest and let you know that I have been walking in the light with only brief moments of shadow.” I am so glad that the moments of shadow are brief and you can enjoy this amazing time in your life despite (or because of?) the pain it took to get there.
Jess,
Thank you! I think because of the pain. I am finding it easy to not let the little things about pregnancy let me feel down. I am sometimes having to fight back the amount of information that I have access to because of IF, but overall I am feeling grateful and happy.
Thanks for all the support!
XOXXO, The Chicken
So glad to hear that things are going well and you are mostly enjoying pregnancy! Loss and grief are real and so is fear. But joy can live alongside those things. It has to because life is complicated. We would all like to be happy all the time, or somehow earn the right to never have bad things happen again, but that isn’t how it actually works. (Inside Out is a wonderful exploration of these concepts. Perhaps go see it while it’s still easy to see movies – gets a bit more complicated with a little one!)
Turtle,
Yes! Exactly “It has to because life is complicated” I think that the idea that we enjoy the light BECAUSE of the darkness is so true. I very much want to see inside out. I should book a date night.
XOXXO, The Chicken
Glad you’re in the space. May you continue to feel strong and in the light for the rest of this journey.
Cristy,
Thank you for all your kind words! I very much appreciate it.
XOXXO, The Chicken
So true. I think you need to feel whatever you’re going to feel.
Mel,
Which can change by the minute! But I am doing well hanging on to the positive moments for longer than not.
XOXXO, The Chicken
To whatever degree you are finding comfort, peace, and well-being, yay you.
Middle Girl,
Thanks! Ya me! *Tiny party with confetti in the air*
XOXXO, The Chicken