*Trigger fucking warning! I’m going to discuss pregnancy in this post. And it’s not all rainbows and happiness. While I welcome feedback, and am expecting a certain level of backlash, I want you to protect yourself first. So if a whiny post about pregnancy symptoms is going to trigger you and leave you upset all day, please god, don’t read on.*
Hello Lovelies,
Truth talk. I am sick to fucking death of feeling like sickness and death!! Hate me all you want. I know you’re over there like judgy assholes tisking me but-It’s. Not. Enjoyable.
There, I said it.
One second, while the shock and gasping subsides… I know, this is basically setting me up to be crucified. I know, I should shut my god-damned, pregnant, fucking mouth. I know, how everyone would happily take morning sickness and cankles and whatever to get a baby. I understand. Obviously, so would I … I knew what I was signing up for when I did IVF. I knew full well what was coming when I paid through the nose and shot myself full of hormones every day. At least I hoped and PRAYED it would come. I definitely WANTED to feel like shit! So, let’s all just UNCLENCH and unpack this for a bit. Because I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not allowed to hate feeling like shit for going on 4 weeks straight!
As an infertile, I’m not allowed to say that. Because I wanted this baby desperately. Because I paid to get here. Because I know damn well that everyone else in the community would trade me places and NOT WHINE. But this is horse shit you guys:
Am I happy I’m pregnant? Holy shit, YES!
Am I happy that baby is strongly attached in there and it making me feel like shit? Obviously, YES.
Would I take 1,000 years of this sickness to get a baby at the end? I like to think HELL YES.
But…
Am I happy that I can no longer enjoy food or even water? That things like cinnamon buns and ice cream make me want to bolt for the toilet? No.
Am I happy that no one wants to sit on the same couch as me because I have horrendous gas and it stinks like death? No.
Am I happy that my heartburn has been so bad that I actually wondered if you can die from it? Like so bad I googled the difference between heartburn and a heart attack? No.
These things are not fun. Having wanted this pregnancy more than desperately does not make them fun. There’s a myth floating around that because I struggled to get here that it’s all just joy. Or that I should fake it and make it all joy. Fuck that. I am not a robot. I’m capable of experiencing intense joy and intense discomfort in the same breath. Sometimes, I want to puke so badly that I could cry but I’m simultaneously smiling because I know that means baby is still alive in there. But just because I’m smiling that it’s alive doesn’t REMOVE the crying because I’m feeling awful.
They happen… together.
I am not saying that I’ll complain on here about these things. I know that’s horribly insensitive. I just thought I needed to do anyone who’s ever been pregnant after infertility a solid and remind people that going through infertility doesn’t mean the first trimester isn’t hard! Just because I went to the ends of medical treatment to get pregnant does not mean that all day sickness and stinky, painful gas is fun! Pregnancy is allowed to be a big shift for infertiles just like it is for the rest of humanity. You’re growing a human. It’s not like it’s easy.
Let the crucifixion begin!
The Chicken
*Update: I’m now 11 weeks pregnant and, thank Christ, things have let up. I still have the odd wave of sickness but it’s totally manageable now. So, if you are going through this and want to die and can’t imagine 8 more months of this… take heart, it truly doesn’t last forever.*
I’ve long wondered about this. I’ve been trying to get pregnant for so long that I think that people will criticize me for complaining about not feeling well when it happens. Even going through IVF if I would mention feeling awful from hormones or the pain after the retrieval of 38 eggs, people would say, “Well you wanted this”, or, “You signed up for it”. I know that. I knew what would happen when I shot myself full of hormones and let someone surgically remove eggs from my body. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m in pain. Thank you for validating me. I feel better.
A Parker,
Completely, it does not change it sucking one little bit! You’re not alone. Feel better friend.
XOXXO, The Chicken
You have just as much right to share n vent about feeling awful as anyone else. Yes, you struggled to get pregnant. But it doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to feel n express anything negative!
Hoping each week gets better n better for you! Sending ya love!
Renuka,
Thanks doll. Hoping I’m in the home stretch with this sickness BS.
XOXXO, The Chicken
*pregnancy mentioned*
First, congratulations on your pregnancy! I’m in week 22 myself. I had IVF in November but had to wait to have a FET in January. I had several coworkers IRF who were pregnant when I went through my IF journey and their pregnancy looked easy because it was! . I asked one “Did you throw up a lot?” She said, “Only three times total but once because I accidentally inhaled air freshener.” I just laughed and replied, “Three times total!? I’ve thrown up three times in the last 24 hours!” She didn’t cramp. She had no problems sleeping or getting dizzy until the third trimester. She got a cold only twice. Her craving was cake and she had aversions to things like salad. Raw fruits and veggies like salads were pretty much the only thing I could tolerate. She could still fit in normal clothes until the end of her 4th month. I gave up on my pants at the end of month 2. In fact, the only thing ‘similar’ about our pregnancies is that artificial sugars made us both feel nauseous and we’re both having girls. Sometimes you win the pregnancy lottery and sometimes you completely strike out IF problems or no IF problems.
On a more positive note, I’m a high school science teacher and I’ve got almost all my students convinced that while having a baby is wonderful, that being pregnant, especially when you aren’t ready, isn’t a walk in the park. I think planned pregnancies are beneficial to everyone even if it takes some of us a long time.
Nicole,
Nice! I like that you trigger warning-ed your comment! You, madam, are a bad ass! LOL pregnancy is no joke! It’s a crazy gig. I feel like I’ll be in the standard yucky till 12 weeks camp. Hoping you pull out of it soon!
XOXXO, The Chicken
Ha, I have followed a few people who got pregnant after infertility, and I don’t know one who savoured every moment of nausea. Or heartburn or gas. Of course some people are lucky enough not to get any of those yucky symptoms at all. Yes, it can mean that the pregnancy is going well. That doesn’t make it pleasant. I had to go on medication in the end (that is an option if the nausea and vomiting get really bad). I took some comfort in a study that showed mothers with nausea had children with slightly higher IQ. No idea if it is true or not, but it was one of the things I tried to use for consolation. For now take care of your health and expect that your diet and appetite will be different. For many (not all, unfortunately) it does get better in 2nd trimester.
Turtle,
I’m thankful my nausea seems to be receding with the 12 week mark. So fingers crossed it keeps treking that way.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I’ve had the same battle in my head. My husband and I got pregnant with our son easily months after we wed, but the next time around was not so easy. After struggling with secondary infertility – which is enough to drive anyone crazy by after all my body has done this before, why can’t it do it again?!?! – we miscarried. I was crushed, but it opened my eyes to a whole group of supportive women who had quietly suffered this same plight. We were able to get pregnant again soon after (thank goodness bc I really feel like this saved me from my miscarriage repression) but knowing what we now know, about this whole population of women who try and just can’t have children, or have lost them, we have handled this thrid pregnancy so differently. No complaining. No Facebook announcements or posts. No comments about how framing hot it is and how I wish I could just stop throwing up. Am I excited? Yes. Am I broadcasting it to the world. No.
It’s an interesting line to walk.
Shannon,
It certainly is an interesting line! I try to be balanced: Not too loud, not too quiet. It’s a constantly evolving thought process.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I can’t tell you how often I find myself complaining and then immediately feeling guilty. Knowing that I have to many IF friends who would give anything to be where I am right now. But, honestly…pregnancy can sometimes really SUCK! We are growing humans just like any other non IF woman! We go through the same highs and lows. We have every right to complain. It doesn’t mean for one second that we would give up the opportunity to have these miracles inside of us!
If I have to hear “but you wanted this for so long, you went through so much to get here…etc” one more time I might lose it!
You’ve got this, Kaeleigh! You’re doing amazing, and I can promise you that the highs of pregnancy definitely outweigh the lows!
Kendra,
Thanks for the encouragement! Lets punch those righteous motherfuckers in the face! TOGETHER!!
XOXXO, The Chicken
I was so terrified I’d have a rough pregnancy after months of trying, and I knew I would feel so guilty and torn between being absolutely 1000% grateful and blissed out that I’m pregnant and.. being physically miserable. A good friend of mine tried for 18 months and had HORRENDOUS hyperemesis. Like, in and out of the hospital constantly. I think most of us were able to easily distinguish between “she’s beyond stoked she’s pregnant and would do this again and again” and “damn, that blows”. Luckily my pregnancy has been pretty damn easy, and it doesn’t challenge my pretty much minute-by-minute “holy shit, I’m pregnant, that’s so awesome” internal ticker. But early days, where I’d sit gagging in the kitchen because the empty trash smelled AWFUL, trying to explain recipes to my husband, covering my nose with my sleeve because FOOD. FOOD COOKING. FOOD PERIOD….? It was more of a challenge (you know, lil’ bit). But I’m sure that even when you’re lying prostrate on the bathroom tile, there’s still that moment where you’d like “well hot damn.. I have a person inside me………. aaaaaand here comes my Zofran”. Just wait ’til you start packing extra underwear when you go out just in case you happen to sneeze, cough, or laugh heartily.
As much as I hate when preggos say “just wait ’til”.. but the self-peeing is at least a humorous one. Carrying a tiny boy in my belly makes it somehow even funnier (preparing me for having to find farts, belches, and bodily functions in general funny?).
Cheryl,
I feel mostly like you and not so much like Hyperemesis. Thank. God. And yes, even in the moment on the bathroom floor I am most certainly still like “hot damn”… and the peeing. I had an interlude to that the other day. when i laughed and sneezed at the same time ( weird, dont ask) and definitely peed a bit.. WTF.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I’ve not read any other replies yet…
I don’t know who came up with this or where it came from, but just because we are struggling with IF and finally do get pregnant that it means we can’t feel like crud, be unhappy about things and have to enjoy the pregnancy 100% of the time… That’s just crap! And yet, I felt exactly like you wrote the first time around. I was worried to write something negative and sound ungrateful. I felt as if people would think I didn’t want the pregnancy bad enough. Etc. What I have come to realize is that we are human! And as female humans who (finally managed to get) are pregnant, we are allowed to feel however we please, as no one person is the same and goes through the same thing. Heck, different pregnancies are different! (Almost no nausea first time and sucky nausea for 7 or so weeks during the 2nd.)
I hope the nausea does go away soon. It is not fun! And know you are you and you are allowed to feel AND write about it all!
JustHeather,
Yes all pregnancies are so different! Thanks for support.
XOXXO, The Chicken
The fact is you feel like crap! I don’t care how long you’ve had IF, nobody wants to feel like that 24-7…NOBODY! The reality is, while on this side of IF you may think you would give your left tit to feel morning sickness but who the heck wants to feel sick? You’re entitled to talk about the realities and being on the prego side of IF isn’t all rainbows or unicorns, I’m sure it can down right suck at times!
Feel better soon! ❤️
Mel,
Truth! NO ONE wants to feel like shit. they want what goes with it, me too, but the sickness I could take or leave honestly.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I hate to admit this, but I’m laughing on this end. Oh hon, how many infertiles have tortured themselves with guilt because of all the discomfort and misery that can come from being pregnant? Too many to count and so many more will. The added fun part is when those symptoms let up and the fear sets in. All of it crazy and quite a mindfuck.
Just because you went through IVF doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to voice that you feel miserable. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool. Feeling miserable doesn’t mean you want this any less or that you are somehow less deserving. Pregnancy takes a toll on the body and it often can be very uncomfortable. So no apologies, especially since you are being incredibly sensitive.
Hoping you continue to feel better and that the aversion to basic needs like water completely vanish.
Cristy,
Glad you think I’m being sensitive enough.. it is a mindfuck. But you’re right. NO APOLOGIES!
XOXXO, The Chicken
As someone who was never pregnant and who now would never WANT to be pregnant, I enjoyed the humor in your post.
And I’ll just stay over here on my couch, mmmmmKay?
Lavender,
HA. Glad you got a chuckle.
XOXXO, The Chicken
I am with you. The first trimester is difficult with all the morning sickness. Being pregnant is a tough job. It offers no consolation even after the fact that the process of conception did not come easy . When you are pregnant, you are pregnant. You are allowed to whine, scream and shout out loud from the roof top about your discomforts.
Bespectacled,
It is a tough job! I’m glad I get to do it but it is no cake walk! I am loving it despite all the discomforts.. but sometimes a lady just as to whine!
XOXXO, The Chicken
I hope this awfulness lets up sooner than later, it sounds awful! You have a way of making hideous experiences sound hilarious… I have heard that pregnancy farts are horrific. You absolutely have the right to be miserable — you’re not upset that you’re pregnant, but upset that pregnancy means feeling awful all the time and seemingly without end. I don’t know anyone who would be happy about that. No crucifixion here, just hopes that this subsides and you can enjoy more parts of this pregnancy in the near future.
Jess,
LOL glad I gave you a laugh. OMG the gas is seriously so noxious. Luckily it seems to be getting better along with the morning sickness as I enter the 2nd trimester. My husband is also super relieved haha.
XOXXO, The Chicken
you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to complain about feeling shit! fuck anyone who is a bitch about it. being pregnant really sucks some days! a lot of days! but there is an end in sight! & i don’t know anyone who didn’t at least have a short period of respite from the feeling like death.
i got pregnant after 5yrs trying, one failed iui & one successful round of ivf. i was stoked to be there, but some days sucked. to anyone who doesn’t know how you got pregnant, you’re just another pregnant woman… & EVERY pregnant woman is allowed to moan about the sucky days! glad to hear you are having a break from the crap now though!! 🙂
Meg,
Thanks for the support! I agree, fuck anyone whose a bitch. haha
XOXXO, The Chicken
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Morning sickness is hard.
Mel,
Thanks! Also, it doesn’t last forever… and all that.. right?
XOXXO, The Chicken
Why shouldn’t you get to whine? As you pointed out, you have chased this dream and are more heavily invested in it then those who are fertile. I’ve never been pregnant, but I understand its not a picnic and roses.
I think some will understand and others won’t. But not because they are selfish or uncaring. A lot depends on where they are in their own struggles. You know what its like to be jealous of someone when they have what you want.
Hopefully, those who are jealous will be able to whine about their own pregnancy someday.
Good luck and feel better.
Savannah,
It definitely depends on their own struggles. That’s why I trigger warning the post… I knew that for some people it would be unbearably painful. And I really don’t want that! Good luck to all, I also hope others will get to whine about their pregnancies in the future.
XOXXO, The Chicken
Look, being preggers isn’t easy. For some people it’s glorious and it’s fantastic, but that’s not everyone. Like I’ve said before, just because we went through hardship and pain and misery to get here doesn’t mean it’s Disneyland once it happens. If anything, it’s worse because we were EXPECTING it to be amazing. And when that bubble bursts, it bursts hard. Ain’t no shame in the whining game. I’m there with you.
XOXO, Kim
Kim,
Damn skippy. I’ve still got my fingers crossed that I’ll start to be one of those annoyingly smug happy pregnant bitches now that I’m out of the first Tri… one can dream right?!
XOXXO, The Chicken
Things don’t get easier in life. Just because an infertile couple gets pregnant or becomes a parent doesn’t mean things are great all the time. The challenges in life never end. You may get through one challenge but there will be a new challenge waiting for you.
I hope things improve for you in how you are feeling. Sending you strength and best wishes.
Greg,
I argue, as always, that life is about ups and downs. Easier then tough, easy then tougher… on and on… Morning sickness is tough… hopefully the easier train picks up again soon! God, I am such an annoying sun spot, hey? Thanks for your continued support!
XOXXO, The Chicken
Oh I totally get it. The first trimester was HARD. We would often wonder why we did it. A lot of it was the nightly progesterone shots. My husband hates shots and had to give them to me. I was bruising, developed a rash, etc from the shots. My back hurt so bad. Eventually I told them I had to go off so the last month I move to a different form of progesterone. I am the lucky one who has only thrown up twice but I was nauseous all the time. Dinner time was the worse. I tried to avoid medicine but they recommend it to me after I was losing weight. I didn’t go on until like the 11th week. I have tried to go off twice now but my nausea returns and I’m 20 weeks now (though I have twins so it can last longer). My back has painful pricks like a needle from where the shots were. Not sure if my nerves are coming back there. I don’t know if my back will ever be the same. Thankfully second trimester has been so much better. I can do things now. I don’t sleep all the time. Thanks to meds, not sick often. I did get sea bands recently and wore them on the days that the meds didn’t seem to be working enough. I am less paranoid that something is going to happen during the pregnancy. Though I feel that anyone going through infertility knows a little too much. Knowledge isn’t always power. I just have to trust. I’m glad you are starting to feel better. I had a hard time talking negatively about the first trimester except to my husband and one or two other people. I know I “made” this happen but it is still hard. Best of Luck! Oh and I barely could drink water during the 1st trimester. Now it is soooo much easier. Not sure why that is but I have heard many people go through the same thing.
Hallie,
God, 20 weeks and still on Diclectin?! BLARG. I can’t even imagine that.. YOU SHOULD bitch! I would be almost dead! Props to you woman, props to you.
XOXXO, The Chicken
[trigger warning] [gross-out warning] There, sorted!
Since it should be ok to talk about the cuffs and buffets of infertility, it should also be ok to discuss the drawbacks of newfound fertility. I am so sad to hear how many of you are having or have had morning sickness. I haven’t yet experienced this but please don’t hate me…I’m writing from hospital with OHSS. I got the classic rebound type in which all went well at retrieval, my tests were ok for a fresh transfer….but then implantation actually happened and the new surge of hCG bitch-slapped my ovaries. One is now bigger than my uterus. I gained 10 pounds in 4 days. This seems to be more common in skinny polycystic sisters under 35, but even so, it is rare.
What’s humorous in this situation? Trying to improvise maternity clothes on no warning.
Hoping the barfies get better soon, ladies. And I also hope I don’t get them. I’ve had enough for one week.
Warm and soothing wishes!
I had a horrible pregnancy (high-risk, sickly and hospital-involved, with no support from my workplace – despite paying into mega benefits toward a union!) and added to the pregnancy was serious IF Survivor’s Guilt. I constantly worried if the baby would be taken away from me – as I bet many women who struggled with IF do – but especially so due to my complications. I also felt so weary trying to get through such an awful pregnancy after the IF journey. Then came the guilt over discussing my pregnancy aloud (would it go ‘poof’? Been that person listening to those chats before?) and THEN of course it was the guilt of ever complaining over the ordeal of my pregnancy as I promised myself I’d never complain if I could ever conceive and carry a baby. In the end I made the decision to complain to trusted people 1:1 and not respond to social media questions about how I was feeling. I can definitely say that the entire infertility journey, followed by terrible pregnancy journey, stripped me of the joy, confidence and communication I would have loved. 2 years later… I still have IF Survivor’s Guilt, am obviously over the pregnancy, lol, and have the little guy of my dreams. Yet clearly I am still shaken and connected to these experiences evidenced by the blogs I seek out and enjoy. Thanks for writing an incredible one.
Kassy,
First off, thank you! I really appreciate that you come here to find support, understanding and humour. It can be so hard once we get the oft chased pregnancy and then (hopefully) baby. It changes how others in the community may view us but doesn’t change that we are infertile and how that effects our experience of this journey. I am glad to hear that at the end of it all you got your little man. Best wishes!
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken