Hello Lovelies,
I feel like Rose from the movie Titanic. You know, where she says “Outwardly, I was everything a well brought up girl should be. Inside, I was screaming.” All while she demurely boards the boat?
I feel like that. It’s like I’m caught in this space that I don’t want to be in but don’t know how to get out of. I’ve been able to keep a good face on lately, but on the inside it’s like a hysterical, never ending scream. IVF is fast approaching and I’m falling apart. I feel like my brain’s exploding but I’m unsure what to do about it. I don’t even know how to properly categorize all these emotions.
I don’t know how to react… So I just sit. Silent. Looking normal. While inside, I quietly fall apart.
XOXXO,
Unpregnant Chicken
Micro Post: Silently Screaming
Such a good description! I often feel such such a fraud for pretending to be normal and happy while inside I am anxious and sad. I have one coworker whose dad is battling cancer and another ne whose husband is in a coma. I feel like these are such tragedies of course but in a weird way I envy them because their distress is known and they don’t have to waste energy pretending everything is good.
The silent grief of infertility is so isolating and for me one of the most difficult aspects of the struggle. That is why blogging is great and helps somewhat. Not a cure of course but a help.
Nicole,
Blogging does help, so much. It helps to let it out. I feel like all grief shares this aspect that whenever someone who is grieving SEEMS normal, they probably aren’t. They’re probably doing like you and I, letting it fester under the surface. I’m usually good at talking it out, even in real life, but lately there has been too much to say. I wouldn’t even know where to start.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Hi, visiting from #microblogmondays.
Sorry you are struggling and feel like screaming inside.
Kasey,
Thanks for your support!
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Here from MicroblogMondays.
I remember well all the terror leading up to IVF. The protocol, the huge box of meds, the uncertainty and the hope/fear surrounding the outcome. I wish I was naive enough to tell you it will all work out. What I can say is that sometimes actually screaming, whether it be here in this space or IRL, helps. Getting all those fears and uncertainties out in the open allows you to face them directly. Similar to what Rose did.
Wishing you all the best as you prepare. I’m hoping for you.
Cristy,
Definitely, the terror can be lessened through actual screaming. I’m surprised by the influx of emotions before i even START IVF. I expected them during but thought the lead-up would be great.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I can relate! It’s such a battle emotionally. Hang in there, girl!!! Don’t give up!
Betsy,
Thanks, doll! I appreciate it.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Aw, sweets, I’ve been there! We all handle things in different ways, but being more open about what I was going through made it less exhausting because I wasn’t constantly putting on that game face. People were more apt to check in with me and I got a lot of support that way, xo.
A,
Thanks! I am very open, everyone I know knows about it. I just don’t even know what to say to them when they ask. I have lots of support I just don’t know what to ask for. It’s all very confusing.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I just had to comment today because I felt exactly the same way when I was waiting to start my first IVF cycle a few weeks ago. I’m by no means an expert, but having just been through the process, I can tell you that for me, the anticipation has been worse than the reality for every step of the way. Every single step.
Here are some things I learned:
The first night of injections, I was terrified and wanted to quit! What helped me the most was making a safe, comfortable ritual out of it. Find a comfy spot in your house, snuggle up with warm blankets, and maybe even put a heating pad on your feet (my toes get icy when I am scared).
I really liked meditating each night before the injections – Circle + Bloom’s IVF series helped me to relax and accept the process more calmly. And for me, it helped to have my husband give the injections. That way, I could focus on entering a really calm state while he prepared everything. If that’s an option for you, try it and see what works for you.
The other thing my husband and I discovered that really helped me is that if you hold each vial or syringe (not the needle, of course) in your hand for a bit before administering to bring it up to body temperature, there is very little discomfort – the couple of times we forgot to warm them, the meds stung going in.
I know it seems terrifying and unmanageable, and there will be ups and downs through it all, but it is not actually as scary as it seems in your head right now. You WILL get through this and it is even possible to come out the other side stronger and more confident. Remind yourself that what is screaming right now is the fear of the unknown, the fear of all the what ifs. And it is okay to feel that fear. Just remember that fear isn’t necessarily proportional to what the IVF experience will be like. For me, it was definitely better than I expected and actually kind of fascinating.
Shawna,
Thank you. Seriously, I teared up reading this. I am glad to know that the anticipation is worse. I suspected as much but I’m glad to hear it’s true from someone on the other side. Wishing you luck and comfort with your cycle!
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I know that many people find IVF hard, and many are affected by the drugs. But it’s not a forgone conclusion that it will be hard for everyone. I’ve been through three iuis and one cycle of IVF with two associated frozen embryo transfers. And I’ve not had any particularly bad affects. I found the drugs ok, didn’t get any serious bruises from the needles, and was only off work for a day or two after the egg retrieval to rest and recover. I’ll admit I did have some pain and bowel issues after retrieval, but that was it. All three transfers failed and the failure was a bit sad. But I am geared up for IVF number two starting in a week or so and I can’t wait. I know everyone’s experiences are different, and I’m not taking away from that, I just want to put the point of view that IVF doesn’t have to be a harrowing experience. It wasn’t for me. By the way, I was on the short protocol – no downreg. I’m 34, unexplained infertility.
Emma,
Thanks for letting me know! It’s helpful to know that not everyone hated it. It’s still a lot to wrap my head around but hopefully I don’t find it too invasive.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I forgot to say good luck! I will be cheering from the sidelines for you.
Emma,
Thanks! I will take all the cheering I can get!
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
What an amazing description of what that feels like! Yes, I agree. I always find that waiting to start a cycle is the most interminable part (except maybe for waiting for that phone call), because you know all that is going to happen, in theory, but you are still waiting for the race to begin. It’s a nauseous time. Plus you don’t quite know what your experience will be–I found that each of my cycles was a little different in terms of my reactions to the drugs, level of discomfort, and pain after retrieval. I wish you so much luck with this cycle and the space to be able to truly take care of yourself during this time.
Jess,
Thank you so much for your insight and kind words. It IS a nauseous time. Wonderfully put. I am glad to have you all supporting me. Your collective experience is so helpful.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Please take care. Here’s hoping you feel better soon. 🙂
Deboshree,
I will. I hope I feel better soon as well, I much prefer to be happy, funny me. But I’d be lying if I said it was ALL rainbows and kittens. LOL
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
It is so important what you do, to be mindful of how you feel and allow it. You set a grate example for all of us. Thank you for that!
XOXO Esther
Esther,
Thank you! I try to be as open and honest in this space as possible. Sometimes that includes having an all out emotional meltdown. I appreciate your support.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I had forgotten that part of the movie, but it sums up that feeling perfectly. Holding you in my heart as IVF draws closer.
Mel,
It’s a great movie. I especially love that after she says it the ship blows its horn. Awesome completion to the feeling. I’m sure that’s why James Cameron did it like that lol. Thank you for hold me. I need it.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I echo Mel. Holding you in my heart… I think now is the worst part because everything is out of your control and you’re having to sit and wait, not do. Once the ball gets rolling you’ll have your routine and procedures you need to take care of, which somehow seems easier than not doing anything at all.
NorthStar,
I think that will definitely be true. I am so much better with a task to accomplish than just sitting and watching the inevitable roll forward.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I don’t know where to begin to tell you that it can get better. The journey for my husband and I lasted almost 5 years. The first year was all this wondering why it wasn’t working, and then waiting for testing which in the end told us that the only way to get pregnant was to try IVF. I think that as far as I’m concerned, I went through the motions of that first cycle without really having accepted and rationalized what was happening to us. The worst part for me, was the wait: for my hormones to be at the right level, to have the min number of follicles, for the retrieval, to know how many mature eggs we had, how many fertilized and in the end, that endless wait to know if we were pregnant or not. Obviously we were not and I was told that I needed to lose an incredible amount of weight before they were willing to try another cycle.
In the end, the decision I took was that I was not ready to face things and went on for about a year and a half trying to decide what to do. I found a different doctor that confirmed that some weight loss was necessary but also gave me the tools to achieve it. Even then, it took 4 fresh ivf cycles, an ectopic pregnancy, an chemical pregnancy and a FET to say that 5 years after we started trying we were able to get pregnant. There was so much grief during this time and so many times that I wondered if I had the strength to keep going, if our marriage would be strong enough to survive all of it.
Today I am almost 33 weeks pregnant and I can tell you that it seems all that was worth it, I am still afraid, I think it’s something that will be hard to shake, and after all the time, effort and money invested into getting this baby, it will be hard to let go. But if anything stays with you from this, know that it is possible.
Paola,
Thank you for sharing your experience! I am so glad that you finally achieved a pregnancy after such a long battle! I try to remember that there is something worth fighting for in all of this and that Im a damn fine human being all by myself if it never happens. Fingers crossed IVF is our ticket.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I’ve survived IVF 3 times. The anticipation of it is truly worse than the reality. What makes it worse is that you can’t believe that you actually have to go through it. But once it gets going, you make it through, one injection at a time. Treating yourself very gently and going for massages or pedicures or whatever you find soothing is extremely helpful.
Deathstar,
All good tips. I think I’ll start the mani/pedi massage treatments now. Preventative like… you know? 😉
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Warning: Pg mentioned
Kaeleigh,
I am so rooting for you!! After 6 years, many rounds of IUIs and 2 surgeries, we got our twins (now 9 months) on our first IVF. I was prepared for the possibility of many cycles. I remember my main anxiety leading up to IVF was that up until that point, if it didn’t work, there was always the option of IVF. If it didn’t work, WHAT would I do next?!?! I had to just relax – I found myself crying out to God the night before the transfer, telling Him I knew I needed Him to bring me through whether it worked or not. I had to be okay with it either way. So much stress and anxiety – it’s perfectly normal to feel this way.
The shots aren’t too bad, I discovered that if I laid across the arm of the couch and my husband gave the shot in the upper area of the quadrant, as high as we could safely go, it hurt the least.
You can totally do this!!! Just take a deep breath, drink some hot tea, and try your darnedest not to think about it. I recommend the movie Galaxy Quest. 😉
Jessica,
I will for sure look into that movie! Thanks for the comment and the well wishes. I hope I’m as lucky as you and it happens the first time.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken