Hello Lovelies,
Here I am again. Another negative. IUI will not be how we achieve pregnancy it seems. Yet instead of feeling upset, depressed and angry… which is how I felt after last months result… I really just feel disbelief and numbness. So here’s a new word for you… incredulity.
Incredulity: the state of being unwilling or unable to believe something. A general state of disbelief.
It’s an awesome word. It also really encapsulated the way that I feel at this moment. Incredulity, as in: I just can’t fucking believe that this is where my life has taken me to! It is unbelievable to me that I will need IVF to try to become pregnant. It is unbelievable to me that we are nearing the end of our infertility treatment options. It is becoming more of a concern that we might never have our own children.
And I can’t even believe it.
Me?! The teacher-nanny-baby-whisperer? The woman that friends call when the baby won’t settle? Who knows what “la leche league” is? Who always gives the best gifts because she’s tested them out with kids first hand? Who has good advice on everything from potty training to tantrums to throwing amazing play-dates?! I’M the one that might not have children?!
What. The. Actual. Fuck?!
Basically, this is a new thought for me. I used to think this was a long road, and definitely a pain in the ass, but eventually we’d get pregnant. Maybe I needed drugs, or herbal medicine or SOMETHING… but we’d get there. This thought has been constantly echoed by everyone I know. Every time a cycle fails it’s like “It’s ok guys, next time!” “Have you tried royal jelly? Acupuncture? Standing on your head?” Now though I understand that sometimes trying everything doesn’t make a difference…
For some people the end is reaching the fact that they cannot have children at all.
Now that we are at IVF I feel like I need to accept the possibility that that could be me. I might be that person who, despite everything, never gets pregnant or births babies. It’s all so much to take in. It’s all so much to understand. There really aren’t feeling for this shift yet, just incredulity. The deep disbelief that this is happening.
To me.
To us.
To our family.
This is the shit that other couples deal with. Not us. We’ve already conquered so many hurdles in our ten year relationship. Why can’t this have been the one area where it was easy? Why couldn’t we have that one child we’ve been dreaming of quickly and painlessly? Why does everyone else get to sit together pregnant at gatherings and we are isolated?
Seriously guys, how is this my fucking life?
Unpregnant Chicken
I am so sorry you are in a state of incredulity! ( side note – I love the word, it’s so perfect for this situation).
I hear you on so many of these thoughts, and if nothing else I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you are not alone in all of this.
My Perfect Breakdown,
It is such a sweet word, right?! Thank you for your support. I think this happens to a lot of people who go through treatment, sheer horror and disbelief. It does help to know I’m not alone. 🙂
Unpregnant Chicken
Girl, I hear ya! I had these exact feelings after our 4th IUI failed. We start IVF in January and incredulity is a great word to describe it. Even though we have been planning for months now… it still doesn’t feel like it is happening to me. It is scary stuff to get to this level. Especially when you are surrounded by pregnancy and babies everywhere. I wish I could say we will get pregnant, but you are right, sometimes the you get to the end of available treatments (or money) and there is no baby, and that scares the crap out of me.
Infertile Hope,
It is very scary to get to this level. This is real now. The big guns have been brought in. I keep hoping that at the end I’ll have that child I so desperately want… But I also need to wrap my head around the fact that that may not be a part of our journey.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
So sorry that this cycle was a bust. We are in the midst of our last IUI before moving on to IVF and I am sometimes also in shock that we are also approaching the big kahuna of fertity treatments. In some ways, I feel quite relieved moving toward this step at strange as it may sound. At least if it fails I can get used to the idea and the emotional and physical roller coaster of treatment can stop. Of course, I hope for both of us treatment will stop because it will give us babies. I am thinking of you hon. I am hoping a year from now you will be holding the most beautiful baby and buying shitloads of my first Christmas onesies.
Nicole,
Thanks. Me too! I do get what you mean about feeling a bit relieved to be at the big treatment level. If IVF doesn’t work then you can kind of move on and put it all to rest. I just really hope that I don’t have to settle for no baby after all this effort.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I get it. I get all of this. It sucks and it’s not fair.
Lacey,
Sigh. It’s so tough. Sending love to you.
XOXXO, unpregnant Chicken
I am gutted for you my friend, absolutely gutted. Up your councilling sessions with your friends and professionals, I hear so much emotion through the words you write that I really feel you need to be kind to yourself, Be kind to the universe, and trust that in some SUPER DUPER FUCKED UP WAY–this part of your life will be a mere moment in the grand scheme of things. Keep those peckers up little one!!
Kaylee,
My teeny, tiny little beak is up, up, up. Trying to hold it together. I hope you’re right and that one day I’ll be able to look back on all of this and laugh, or at least understand the reasons. Dear Universe, I am trying to trust you. Just don’t forget about me.. ok?
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
Thank you for having the courage to write in black and white what so many feel deep inside.
Michelle,
Thank you. I find it very cathartic. I am glad it seems to help others at least half as much as it helps me!
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I’m afraid of coming to the point where I have to have a similar realization and I’m so, so sorry that you are there. I agree with you that you of ALL PEOPLE deserve to have a child, and I’m proud of you for everything you’ve tackled so far and if it really does turn out that you can never be pregnant I will rally against the universe right there with you, because it just won’t be fair.
Those are my thoughts.
Second Voice,
It is a scary place to be sitting. We are going to do three rounds of IVF with my own eggs or donor, depending on how it all goes first time. So not out yet. But it’s this sinking feel of that horrible “what if”!?
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
I know. By “there” I meant there emotionally, not necessarily quite there in terms of treatments. Hopefully one of the next IVF rounds will be the one, but even if it is it sucks to have ever had to feel what you’re feeling right now. Love you.
Second Voice,
Exactly. Stupid emotions getting all in the way!
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken
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I just started following your blog after someone telling me to check it out. I have related to many things you have said so far (as in the EXACT thing I thought, you said out loud). This post is no exception. We just reached the point of IVF…and not for a second did I ever think we would be “that couple” or that things would get to “this point” .
Incredulity pretty much sums up my thoughts exactly.
Thanks
KB,
Sorry that you are dealing with the shock and dismay of impending IVF. Hopefully it helps that I’m right there with you. Sending strength your way.
XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken