Jesus fucking Christ (is that appropriate on Easter Monday? …Sure), last Thursday’s post set off a Twitter shit-storm that I truly did not see coming. So, let’s address the issues with the last piece head on and explain why I said what I did.
– I said that the pain goes away once you are a parent. I have been loudly told this is not true for all. Some people, it turns out, ache and are angry forever about their status as infertile, even while parenting.
– I said that no one will care how you got to motherhood. This did not take into account the fact that people who have adopted still feel alienated by the constant sharing of birth stories. As they never had that experience.
– I said how people of other parenting means might feel. Which, admittedly, was wrong. I cannot know how every person who has ever been infertile but is now parenting will feel.
Why I said what I said:
– I feel the way that I feel and for me, thank god, I believe the pain has LESSENED now that I am parenting. I wouldn’t say it has completely erased the hurt from the last three years but it certainly helps. I am sorry that hasn’t been the case for some in the community. I really wish it was true for everyone, I hope it’s true for you.
– I, honestly, hadn’t thought about birth stories. I figure when Bean is 5 and in kindergarten we won’t be talking so much about births as when they are small and so it wouldn’t really matter. But, I don’t know. I have never adopted a child and so I shouldn’t assume.
– Basically, this is the one argument I agree with. You’re right, I shouldn’t have spoken for thousands upon thousands of people. Who are all different with different challenges and different experiences. I don’t know how everyone will feel once they are parenting, or if they go forward without parenting. All I can say to this point is that I have always tried to be very inclusive in my discussions and was striving to still do that.
Honestly, I am really struggling to decide how I still fit here. I am really fucking trying to stay with one foot in the infertile world and lend support and resources to those in the trenches while also parenting and blogging about that at times. But really I feel like every damn post I put out causes problems. Like I can’t be good enough now that I had a baby. I try to be inclusive-I get burned because I don’t know everyone or every feeling… I only talk about me-people area assholes about how we aren’t all success stories. Like I am under a microscope and every word can be twisted because I “just don’t know” how you feel, or what I would have done if… Can we assume that I mean what I do here with the best of intentions? Can we not on purpose look for any way I might be wronging you? Jesus. I’ll try harder. But I can’t help feeling a lot of the times people would rather I just shut up and so it doesn’t really matter what I say.