So I am deep in the two week wait trenches. The time of evaluating the entire month, all your decisions, your hopes, your dreams… For signs that this might have worked. This is how I have lived for over two and a half years now. Month-by-month. The same roller coaster, with different scenery. This month went a little something like this…
Day 3-5 take Clomid: hate, hate, HATE IT! Feel like shit. Feel like a failure. Cry a lot. Drugs are evil. Drugs suck.
Day 13 go for an ultrasound: love, love, LOVE IT! Feel like the Clomid was actually fucking worth it. Watch my egg get fat, fat, fat. Count them. Measure them… Drugs are interesting. Drugs work. Big fat follie sitting at 2.1cm already!
Day 13 give myself trigger shot: hate, hate, HATE it! I sketched myself out. It took a long time to do. I don’t get it done at midnight because I hem and haw for too long. This month the freaking cap got stuck and then some leaked back out after the damn thing was injected. Worry, worry, worry that it won’t work. Drugs are yucky. Drugs are mysterious. Drugs are hard, especially shots.
Day 15 go in for IUI: love, love, LOVE IT! Excitement all around. Hubby is supportive. Hubby is adorable. We have yummy lunch together. We cuddle on the couch. We hope and pray and feel ready. Drugs do wicked cool things. By ovulation that egg must have been HUGE, Science rocks!
Day 16 start progesterone: Settle in to see side effects… remind myself that they do not mean I am pregnant. Try to be hopeful but not TOO hopeful. Wait, wait, wait.
Day 16 start of TWW: hate, hate, HATE IT! Hard to stay focused. Try to stay busy. Try to forget. Impossible on all fronts. Mostly I just obsess. I have no symptoms, not even from all the progesterone I am on. Try not to panic. Fingers crossed.
Day 25 blood beta: hate, love, hate, love, SCARED, SCARED, SCARED! So nervous I could vomit. Not from side effects, though. Still don’t have any. Try to pretend I won’t know in a few days if I’m pregnant. Try not to cry. Try not to smile. Try not to feel anything.
Yeah. So it’s been a super fun month, no? But this is the roller coaster I have become accustomed to. Month-by-month. This is my life. However, this is the last time that the roller coaster will look like this. This is the last time we ride this specific track. If we do not get off the ride this month the scenery changes… dramatically. There will still be ups and down on the ride but it will look very, very different. I’m trying to guard myself against pain and not feel hope… but I’d be lying if I said hope doesn’t creep in. It does. I feel it.
It’s the only way I can keep moving forward.
It’s the only thing that lets me picture getting off this ride.
And I am so ready to get the hell off this ride!!
Do you know what’s super cool though? Getting to see my eggs on ultrasound. I find it fascinating! Especially because the fertility issue we are working with, diminished ovarian reserve, means the small size and number of my eggs is our problem. Getting to watch them grow to be the right size is almost magical! This is one of the things I enjoyed about the IUI process. The getting to watch them as they grow and then knowing the actual size when I do the trigger shot.
This month was the best one yet. My little fat eggies were growing away, my dominant follie was 2.1cm when we triggered. YIPPEE!! Last month it was 1.9 at trigger. I know they continue to mature after the shot so this month my egg will be between 2.3-2.5 at ovulation! That’s so fat!! So hopefully it means that this egg will be more amenable to becoming a baby.
I’ll soon find out.
Watching the eggs grow and get big makes everything seem so much more “real”. Like they are real eggs that I have seen, making it feel much more like they could turn into a real baby that we could keep as well.
This has me thinking about IVF. If we need to move on with treatment that is our next step. What would it be like to actually see the embryos we had created!? How cool THAT must be! This gives me hope that if we end up needing IVF I might find it pretty fascinating. It wont override the cost, and it wont override the needles and discomfort. But at least I can picture SOME upside. To get to see LOTS of eggs grow and swell. Then find out how many fertilized, hear about the development every day and then… SEE the embryos before they are injected into me! How freaking amazing is that?! Science really is so freaking cool!
Don’t get me wrong, I very much wish to avoid IVF. I would love it if this month was our month and that was that. But at least if we need to do IVF it will feel productive and a little exciting. After two and a half years of this crap it will be nice to feel like we are getting somewhere. And somehow are a little more in control of the process again.
But I am getting a little ahead of myself. We aren’t at IVF yet. Still in the process of second IUI. Deep breaths.