So while the blog has been picking up steam, I have been in the middle of two months off treatment. Meaning we are not actively trying to get pregnant. No temping, no charts, no timed sex… not trying at all. This is because I had such a horrendous time on Clomid that I really considered throwing in the towel and because I am getting ready to defend my thesis. I am far too stressed over the thesis to even consider adding the stress of treatment into that mix. The last two months off have actually been a blessing and a curse all rolled into one. So, I present to you, my thoughts on taking a break: the good, the bad and the crazy.
First off, these past few months have been a breath of fresh air. Like crisp, clean, ocean –side, life-giving, perfect air! Ok, maybe that is a little extreme. But it feels like I have gotten my life back. After two years of trying I had started to feel just dead inside. Like depression, but worse. Instead of feeling upset about not being pregnant, or expectant, or worried… I just felt…Nothing! I could barely remember to care about anything related to baby making. So, when I got my period after the last round of Clomid and decided not to do another round I felt like someone coming out of a fog:
-I put away the thermometer. I slept in, got up five times to pee… it didn’t matter!
-I hid the obscene amount of vitamins… In the farthest corner of my cabinet… where I wouldn’t even have to see them! Gag!
-I joined Crossfit again.
-I started taking Minocycline to kick my acne in the butt. Off of the pill it turns out I am a 12 year old boy! My face is a road map of cystic zits. Painful and super unattractive. But now that I’m not expecting to be expecting I am allowed to take these antibiotics. And it’s working!
-I ate tons of junk food: French fries? Yes please… No, wait, make that poutine! Or I ate nothing at all: Working out later and don’t want to barf? No problem, don’t eat yet. And I didn’t worry about any of it.
-I have laughed more and fooled around with my husband whenever I felt like it.
-I had sex in any position I wanted. It’s good to have that bit of sexual freedom sometimes – it makes feel like I’m in some https://www.hdpornvideo.xxx/ film or something. I didn’t worry about when and where he would cum (Sorry! But it’s true). I didn’t need five pillows available to be placed under my ass. And I jumped up and down immediately after sex, I practically did an Irish jig as I sashayed down the hall!
-I had no idea when I was ovulating. Or what cycle day I was on.
-For the first time in two years I was surprised by my period because I didn’t realize it was due!
And I didn’t cry about it.
I mean it! It was incredible. Hallelujah! But it hasn’t been all great. And so…
While most of the last two months has felt like a blessing some of it has been crappy. Maybe it’s because every avenue of this journey tends to be fraught with self-doubt and perils. Maybe that’s just life, it is perhaps just very dualistic in nature. At any rate… here are some of the shittier parts of the two months off:
-I am out. Of. Shape! Holy smokes. These last two years have really taken their toll on me physically and I didn’t expect to need to examine that these last few months. I am so glad to finally be working out hard again. But I’ve had a few moments in the gym where it’s painfully obvious how much has changed. I would be performing movements that I’d done a hundred times before and just find that I am not strong enough to complete them. BAM! Self-doubt and anger. While I have been getting a nice reprieve from the doubt I feel surrounding pregnancy, I have not been immune doubting my body in regard to fitness.
-I got pretty messed up wondering if I still want to have kids. This break has been so liberating that I found myself toying with the idea of giving up altogether. Wouldn’t it be perfect to just stop?! To stop caring about ovulation? To pretend I have never heard the words suppository or insemination? To stop hurting. Month after month?! It’s an intoxicating thought. What if it could just …stop. I think this is just self preservation. I just am so over being emotionally wrecked by infertility that I would like to leave it in the dust. But it’s a weird thing to consider when I am going through the motions to purchase Clomid and register for upcoming IUI treatments. It messes with your brain.
-Realizing that I am also disconnected from the whole sexual experience more than I thought I was. While getting to have sex when or if we wanted has been great it has also shown how the hubby and I are more burnt out then I imagined. My first month off we almost didn’t have sex at all. Not what I like or wanted. But we were just so spent that it was refreshing not to have to do it! This month we are rebounding nicely. But it was a strange thing to notice. And made me feel stressed and upset.
So, the good the bad and… the crazy. There has, of course, been plenty of that!
Mostly the last two months has been a good experience but some of the crazy thoughts that have crept in are:
-What if not swallowing handfuls of pills will ruin the chances that my IUI will be successful next month?!
-Can two months off of folic acid really undo the past two years of taking it?
-If my period doesn’t come will I be pleased?
-If my period does come will I be pleased?
-Hating the idea that I don’t HAVE to have sex every two days. I mean who doesn’t like sex?!
-Hoping I don’t get knocked up on the two months off. Because, “you should just stop trying” UGH.
Anyways, that’s about all of that. The break has been good overall. While there have been challenges, and I have wanted to give up all together more than once. I have begun to feel more like my old self. And as this break is drawing to a close I have started to remember why I am choosing to going through all of this. With some distance babies have started to look cute again! I can play with them and enjoy it. I remember now that this is what I want.
I want a child and that’s ok. And it’s also ok that the journey has sucked shit. And it is especially ok that I needed this break to wrap my head around it all again. Taking a break was the best decision I’ve ever made. Hopefully, I will jump back into the process with renewed optimism and a better connection to myself. It is super important to remember who YOU are in this process and to find the little bits of joy that you can! So perhaps I will indulge in one more post sex dance party to liven things up before I re-acquaint my feet with our headboard.