Hey Lovelies,
Fuck. Rant coming. I had an instance the other day when I was out to eat with my family and we got to talking about babies. My cousin and I had our firsts on the same day, it was really special! Well, she is now pregnant again. I am thrilled for her! I wasn’t ready yet when she became pregnant again so there were no hard feelings. I am hopeful that the hubby and I will conceive at some point this year and then these second babies will be pretty close in age and everyone will play and grow together. So it’s not my family that I’m here to rant about… It’s those people in the public that say shit that they shouldn’t. The assumptions about family building that the broader public make that really set my head spinning, because 1) My family building decisions are none of your damn business and 2) it ain’t always that easy!
Our waitress, who was so young and so sweet, was beyond excited to learn that my cousin and I had had our babies on the same exact day. It was like we were Unicorns and she was just blessed to be in our presence. Then when she found out that my cousin was expecting again she did the requisite gush and then inhaled, looked at me in awe, and said, “Are you pregnant again too?!” Like it was unimaginable that I wouldn’t be. I said to her that I wasn’t and that the boys were still young and so there was time blah, blah, blah. And she was all “Oh but don’t you want to do it again? Wouldn’t it be super cool to have the next ones just as close together?” I was a little rattled and didn’t really answer her and just said we weren’t there yet. I didn’t feel like making a scene. We were out with 8 people, including my grandmother, I didn’t want to go there. But fuck me. My reproductive decisions are not anyone’s business. Whether I have another baby immediately, or later, or never isn’t anyone’s concern but my own. Never mind that I DO want to have another baby but that it isn’t just as easy as ditching birth control for us. I want it, doesn’t mean it is gonna happen. Just because it would have been cool for me to have the same unique experience I did with my cousin and our simultaneous first births doesn’t mean it’s in the cards.
But she was young. I’m sure it never occurred to her that I may have miscarried, I may have almost died in childbirth, I may have had a hysterectomy, I may be sterile, I may need a dr.’s help… none of these things crossed her mind. I can’t really blame her, she meant no harm. I fucking blame our society. Our fertility obsessed, baby bump watching society. Which makes our reproductive futures such an accessible and encouraged topic of speculation. Bean Sprout is now approaching an age where I will start getting asked again when I plan to have another baby. People will, once again, start inserting themselves into my business and giving me their opinions about my fertility. Things like the age spacing, how many kids do we want, are we trying, my age and decreased fertility over 30, you might need something that helps train that muscle… all these things will routinely become water cooler talk. Fuck that! It’s rude. And if you’re brazen enough to ask me about it I’m gonna be brazen enough to answer. I’m going to break it down for you in such graphic detail that you will never again be able to hear the word vagina without it conjuring my face into your mind.
You’ve been warned.
Vagina.
That is all…
The Chicken
Yes, it’s hard to listen to those kind of comments when it’s not as easy as, “I want it, I get it.”
I personally don’t think “society” will ever stop being obsessed with babies and pregnancy. It’s part of human survival. I doubt there’s been a society anywhere in history that wasn’t preoccupied with reproduction. But I fully support you spreading the word about infertility and the associated challenges. I try to be honest and direct with people too, although I’m never as brave as I think I should be, in the moment.
Turtle,
I guess there is something to the fact that you NEED to want babies for the species to exist… That’s maybe natural. But yes, education is needed.
XOXXO, The Chicken
You see… I’m wanting to make a comment about how very powerful and awesome this post is (and it was), but I’m pissing myself laughing here as I imagine you jumping out from behind the couch at me, screaming “Vagina” instead of Boo. You realize, when I play peek-a-boo with Baby J tonight my inner dialogue will be all wrong. Lol.
You tell’em, though. I remember watching my sister-in-law go through all that, and they had several miscarriages, so it was tough in a different way. Definitely makes me think that I’ll need to prepare and answer in advance so I ensure a witty comeback.
Vic,
Glad to have amused you, friend! Being witty is usually my strong suit. I’m over here basically salivating waiting for a chance to yell vagina now lol.
XOXXO,
The Chicken
Yes yes and yes. I got so sick of being asked I now respond with the truth;
I wanted more children with every thread of my being. I spent thousands upon thousands of dollars trying via fertility treatments. I had 6 miscarriages trying, and now I can’t try any more because I don’t have eggs left.
Unfortunately sometimes it takes the shocking truth to make someone STFU.
Elizabeth,
High Five for your ability to be honest about this. I hope that they do STFU and quickly once you set them straight! Uncomfortable for everyone all the time. When will society learn.
XOXXO, The Chicken