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Lovelies,

So, we are getting ever closer to the time we think we will do the FET and I find that because I am infertile and have all this damn time to think about these things I start to overthink things.  Like are we sure, sure we want another baby? Like this soon? What’s the rush? Do I want to fuck up the awesome little family of 3 we are becoming? What if this is crazy and a big mistake?!

I mean frick.

If I was fertile I’d have gotten magically knocked up sometime around New Years when we first tossed the idea around about trying. But I am not fertile and didn’t magically conceive in January and so here I am,  freaking 5 months after starting this conversation, 8 months after getting a period and not starting to use protection, still not pregnant. It’s driving me bonkers.

Any of those months I could have just been pregnant and then I could have stopped over-analysing. But that wasn’t my destiny. My destiny, it turns out, is to worry over things I cannot possibly know or control. Forever!  But really, how do you KNOW KNOW that you want a second baby? I guess this is a normal way for me to feel. Remember when I felt like this before even getting pregnant with Bean Sprout? Yeah, and that turned out pretty good! Sigh.

XOXXO,

The Chicken

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6 thoughts on “Micro Post: How Do You Know?

  • May 22, 2017 at 11:54 am
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    Yeah, I struggle with that too. It’s as if needing to plan and strategize more in order to have a child makes me feel more responsible for the outcome, and more at fault if there are problems. This is a major factor in our conversation about whether or not we want to try donor egg IVF. Part of me feels it is just too complex and involved and bringing in 3rd parties feels, rationally or not, like a threat to our current family and its mythologies.

    Reply
    • May 25, 2017 at 7:10 am
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      Turtle,
      I think the idea of shaking up your family to add in more kids is a big risk for every family that undertakes it, adding in the layer of infertility though at times makes it feel unbearable. Hope you find your way through this stage to an ending that you feel in your heart was the right one. I have no idea what that even looks like at this point.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • May 23, 2017 at 8:32 pm
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    It’s hard to look at the unknown and weigh it against the known. But maybe the unknown will be really really good, too.

    Reply
    • May 25, 2017 at 7:12 am
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      Mel,
      That’s what my therapist says, too. That I keep focusing on the possible scary, negative outcomes but it is just as likely to turn out really great. I’m trying to shift my perspective on it. Fear is a sneaky bitch though.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • May 23, 2017 at 9:18 pm
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    The unknown is so hard. For me, I just “know” I’m meant to have another baby. Hard? Yes. But I just know. It’s funny, because I think we as infertiles overanalyze things like this and then fertiles just go and… have another baby. And another. It sucks. This overthinking.

    Reply
    • May 25, 2017 at 7:13 am
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      Risa,
      I wish I had that certainty, it would make pushing through to treatment easier. We at first wanted none, then one, now maybe two or three. It’s a mind fuck trying to navigate the possibilities.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply

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