Holy balls am I struggling. I need to work out. Like I have to move my body, for my sanity, but also to lose some weight and get healthier again before we do the FET. I have to start, and the only way to start is to do it… and yet, I’m just not. I’m not really doing anything. Why? I used to ADORE working out. I was a self-professed Gym Rat, and proud of it too, before we had the Bean Sprout.
It was so much better and easier to work out then. I wasn’t missing out on anything if I went to the gym. Now, I like have to choose what part of his day I don’t want to do in order to squeeze a workout in. Like if I do it when hubby is home to watch him I have Saturday and Sunday and like before 6 AM or after 6 PM. So I should get up at fucking 445 and drag ass to the gym? Which, if you think that’s the answer, I have a knuckle sandwich for you… Becuase, fuck no. Or I can go as soon as hubby is home from work and miss out on dinner, bath, and bed, with the Bean Sprout? Which is such a lovely time of the evening and I don’t really feel like giving that up! And so if I don’t use free hubby childcare I have to have it planned in advance, so I can use the childcare at the gym. I can’t just be like… “Right! I have 5 min now lets head out!” I have to PLAN childcare, at the Y you have to book DAYS in advance. I also then have to PLAN when it fits around naps and 3 meals and 2 snacks a day, and god forbid he sleeps in that day and shifts everything! I have to like WORK to workout… and it fucking sucks balls you guys.
I want it to feel like freedom! I want to feel liberated, and sexy, and energized. But it just keeps feeling like WORK. And that says nothing about how fucking exhausted I am already, before having crushed it at the gym. The few times I’ve actually made it I was so soul-crushingly exhausted afterward, and for the entire rest of that day, that I couldn’t really do anything and I certainly didn’t enjoy myself. It’s such a catch-22. I won’t get fitter and less exhausted unless I work out, but working out right now fucking ruins my whole day. And I can’t even beg off mom duty yet and say let’s watch a movie after a hard workout… the Bean sprout isn’t old enough for that to work yet.
But I want to have another baby. I don’t want to go into the FET in a few month carrying all this extra weight and not in peak physical form… and I know the only way around it is to fucking eat better and move my body! I know this. So why can’t I make it happen?!
So, right now I am working on baby steps. I am eating better and snacking on junk less. I haven’t bought any junk or ice cream or whatever in 2 weeks. I am making a commitment to at least get outside and walk for 30 min every day. and I will be starting soon with at home workout videos. I want to do those 3 times a week. I already own them so they seem like the best solution right now. Even though I would rather hit up a class at a gym. But I can’t make excuses to not do an at home workout 3 x a week right now… and so that’s where I’m starting.
It’s fucking devastating that I haven’t figured this out yet at 15 months into having a baby. It’s even more disappointing because it is something I really enjoy and should also count as self-care. I’m working on it. I just never thought it would be this HARD.