Last week when I was driving to the clinic (full update on TTC 2017 on Thursday) I was hit with some pretty strong emotions. I was driving without the Sprout, which is a rare occurrence, so I had some pretty awesome music blaring. I should mention that to get to our clinic you crest a hill and then the clinic is nestled in at the bottom. Anyways, I was totally into the music and then I crested the hill and saw RFP’s building and thought about the last time I was there. We were heading for the transfer, that’s the last time I saw it, and it all came rushing back.
So, I started thinking about trying again… about having another embryo placed inside and hoping so hard that it will work out, that we can complete our family, and it all just hurt. I don’t know if it was my body, or my brain, or my spirit but owwwwww. I was overwhelmed with a sadness that this is our path. A kind of mournfulness that I have to try so hard and a wish that I didn’t. But then it was also mingled with the absolute gratitude that I am able to try again, that we can afford it, and that we have frosties already. Not to mention the spark of joy at remembering the last time I was there and that it worked out for us. It was so many things, guys.
I find the more I delve into my relationship with my infertility the more I get from it. I’m at this interesting point now where I most often feel grateful for all that this path has brought me. I’m almost never that blisteringly angry person I was at the start of our journey anymore. But sometimes it still hurts. And that’s ok. Perspective.