16363394122_c05c74f186_zOh Lovelies,

I am so full of fear that at times it’s hard to breathe.  You see, the hubby and I have been talking over the last few months and we have decided that maybe we aren’t ‘one and done’. Maybe the idea of a sibling for Bean Sprout isn’t so wholly awful. Maybe… we want to do this all again.

Here is where the fear kicks in. Because, sweet Jesus, doing it again looks like this and this and this… 2.0!

Fuck me sideways. Why, oh god, why?!

Infertility. That’s why.

But not just that. Also, this and this and this. Pregnancy and labour and newborn stages ALL OVER AGAIN?! With a Bean Sprout toddler on board this time for the ride?!

*Incoherent sobbing*

I don’t know how to do this, y’all. I don’t know how to mom, and work, and try again. I don’t know how to do the things I used to do when there was a BFN and my baby is in the other room. I don’t know how to do feeding and nap schedules AND work in doing my shots EXACTLY at 1pm for 2-3 weeks. Who watches my baby when I go in for every-other-day blood draws and ultrasounds as I prepare for transfer?!

Not to even think of a a BFP… I can’t imagine the morning sickness, the bone aching tired, and the insomnia of pregnancy and having to function as a parent. I can’t imagine the kind of postpartum I might encounter the second time around when I have all the hormones and no sleep AND an active toddler to parent.

The whole thing seems completely, horrendously terrifying… But the other day I saw these two little girls in the mall, two sisters, and it hit me. Like a freight train. We aren’t done.

Fuck.

XOXXO,
The Chicken

*Edit: we aren’t jumping back into full trying yet but the gradual realization that we will have to set off all these feels. Some time in the new year we will get after it.

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6 thoughts on “Fear: Looking Back To Move Forward

  • November 17, 2016 at 9:36 am
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    I’ll be wishing you well and rooting for you if you do decide to get back on the crazy infertility rollercoaster. Going through IVF with all the injections & doctor visits is already so difficult, I can’t imagine having to look after a baby at the same time!

    Reply
    • November 19, 2016 at 10:34 am
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      Dubliner,
      Thank you! We will likely have to go back into IVF/FET land for the second though I hope to try naturally first. How that goes will determine how long til I’m back in the stirrups.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • November 17, 2016 at 3:48 pm
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    Infertility adds to an already complex thought process for sure. I’ve definitely compromised on what I’m willing to try for #2. I chart and am currently doing Clomid cycles (2/4 down, not successful so far, but I seem to be ovulating at least). I won’t be doing acupuncture again: I can’t imagine how to schedule that in with work and a child (also have no proof it made any difference). If Clomid doesn’t work, DE IVF is probably what we’ll be offered next and I’m far from sure I want to go that route. But as you say, it does cut deep to see siblings and consider that it may not be possible. It’s both really hard to think about what it might take to create that sibling (with no guarantees) and hard to accept letting go of that dream.

    Reply
    • November 19, 2016 at 10:37 am
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      Turtle,
      It’s so difficult trying to find a new line of what’s acceptable while factoring in the baby you already have. I will NOT do clomid again, you couldn’t pay me… but I have embryos frozen so it’s not really necessary. I will try naturally a bit and track cycles lightly but wont work too hard on that before accepting my fate and trying FET. Waiting to get back in for all my testing… and even that seems daunting with Bean Sprout along.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • November 27, 2016 at 2:25 pm
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    Thankfully with your 3 frozen embryos you have potentially 3 more tries before you have to go through ALL the stimulation crap again. That’s the part I wouldn’t repeat. An FET is so easy – a couple of ultrasounds, maybe some suppression drugs, some estrogen pills and progesterone suppositories. Piece of cake. It was a cakewalk compared to simulation. I would do FET all over again in a heartbeat, but I truly would not be willing to go through stims again. Like you, we have frozen embryos so I don’t think it will ever come to that.

    Reply
    • December 6, 2016 at 10:30 am
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      Heather,
      TRUTH! Thank the lord. I hope that I will never have to look at another vial of Gonal again!
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply

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