Welcome to your August addition of Squawk Box and welcome back to everyone from holidays. Glad to have you with us again. I am a little more recuperated and getting my head back in the game now! If you are wanting something from the chicken today then you can hop over to Fertility Matters where I am sharing a piece about acronyms today. But only check that out after reading the Squawk piece!
Today’s contribution comes from Jana, she is Czech. That’s pretty much all I know about her and she is awesome! Her positive outlook and courage shine through her writing and I am certain that if we were to meet IRL that we would enjoy a long lunch and laugh often. The picture today is of a sunrise, a perfect counterpart to Jana’s story about finding herself of this journey and emerging as a better person and partner for it. Read on!
Want to share your story? Send your submission here!
Open Your Eyes
Written by: Jana
Published with the author’s permission.
My name is Jana and I’m fertile. I’m fertile even though I haven’t been able to conceive after 18 months of unprotected sex and several years of not so well protected sex before.
I haven’t always had this mindset, rather opposite. In the beginning every month, which ended with my monthly flow, brought tears and feeling of unfairness in my heart. Especially when my girlfriends got pregnant after a few tries. I slowly started to believe, that I was in fact infertile even though physiologically I was fertile as well as my partner.
My impatience was getting the best of me on a regular basis (in sync with my PMS 🙂 ) and I could feel how the relationship with my partner slowly started to crumble. I like to plan things and suddenly there was something that couldn’t be planned. My confidence was going downhill and I felt more and more insufficient or just not good enough, not woman enough.
All the insecurities I had had before got stronger and all of my inadequate expectations of my partner got more and more intense. I’m not particularly proud of this but I was extremely dependent on my partner and I expected him to make me happy. Even more, I believed that it was his responsibility to make me happy. I wanted him to spend lots of time with me, take care of me and put me first 24/7. After one year all these expectations together with the pressure of trying to conceive took its toll on my partner who had a nervous breakdown. At that moment I had a small nagging feeling that maybe I had something to do with the state of his health, but at that time I was well in denial. So it remained just a funny feeling.
My partner started searching for other ways of healing apart from the antidepressant pills and came across some meditation techniques. I began to meditate every day with him and as I was getting close to my true self the truth about my behaviour unfolded in front of me. The good thing about meditation is that when you are meditating your ego is on vacation. 🙂 So it is a lot easier to accept the unpleasant facts about yourself. I would say this was a turning point for me. Since then I have spent many hours meditating and in regression therapy and I managed to figure out many of my deeply ingrained beliefs and issues from my early childhood including a strong theme of dependency. Oh my, life just gets so much easier when I know why I feel the way I feel and what triggers these feelings. Finally I have become the queen of my life!
There is still a long journey in front of me, but now I know that nothing can be forced. I work on my self-confidence and womanhood. Through a women’s circle I got to know beautiful women around me and this community feels like true sisterhood to me. No competitions, no gossips, just pure support.
I’m still not pregnant. And I still get sad or angry after another unsuccessful month. But now at least I know why I had to get the taste of infertility. And deep inside I believe I’ll be mother one day, whichever way it may happen.