watch-2Hey Lovelies,

Here is the second half to Steph’s Squawk Box. Click here for Part 1. Again: The picture today is of woman checking her watch. I chose it for two reasons. 1) I like that Steph wrote everything down in timeline format and 2) because as the infertility journey ticks along it can feel a lot like time is slipping past while you stand waiting.

As always I appreciate submissions. Send me your story, or a lesson you learned, or something you wish others would learn. Let me be your journal! Submit yours here.

Waiting (Part 2)

Written by: Steph

Published with the author’s permission.

… Ok. Let the IVF journey begin.

Needles scare me.

I’m anxious that this might be the start of another long chapter. Excited to have a better shot this month then the 18 months before. A freaking crazy chance. I could find out I’m expecting in a month!!

Sunday 19th October – 2 injections done. The first by DH and the second by me, myself and I! So proud of myself for watching the sharp needle pierce my belly. The third one awaits. So pleased I haven’t evolved into some hormonal hot head. Yet.

20th October – Blood test number II and first scan. Feeling quietly optimistic as I was slightly worried they will tell me that I’m over stimulating. No crazy emotions just yet. The sonographer is lovely she tells that my ovaries don’t look PCO on the scan which is great to hear.

Friday 23rd October – Second scan and little over excited as she says they may do egg retrieval in a few days. My pants feel better with the top button undone, bloating and tender.

Saturday 24th October – Cycle one complete! Final injections done in a full city car park, one by me the other by my sister and trigger in the toilet while at Russell Brand. Surprised at how good I feel and even more so at how short the injections stage was.

Monday 26th OctoberPraying for a happy ending. 6 eggs retrieved. Battled through the cramping/ period pain and I was able to enjoy lunch in Darlinghurst with my sexy husband.

Tuesday 27th OctoberI just found out 3 little ones were fertilised. I don’t know if it’s hormones finally kicking in or the pessimist in me but after the call I just sat in silence. Sad. The nurse rattled off the clichés “quality over quantity” and “one is all you need to fall pregnant” over the phone. My mind already thinking of January for round 2.

Sunday 1st November – Embryo transfer yesterday was aaaamzing. We saw our little cell baby on the screen. A little cluster of our DNA.
It’s amazing to think it’s nestled inside me now hopefully implanting into a warm spot to make its home for the next 9 months. If this one sticks it’s due date will be 17.7.16

Friday 13th November – I got my BFP two days ago but (it comes with a BUT) low HcG reading of 46. Retested today however I told Rabih it’s on Monday as I wanted some element of surprise. I guess I should be thrilled that the levels had doubled since 48 hours ago. I have recently learnt that that’s exactly what you want HcG to do. And had I just done a home pregnancy test it would be positive. It’s either positive or negative BUT with IVF numbers, “scores”, are monitored so early on. I’m trying to find the sunshine on this wet freaky Friday that it’s a positive result. I just pray in a week for blood test 3, we have numbers close to 1000

Monday 23rd November – There they were the words in black and white on my hospital discharge papers: miscarriage. I had had a miscarriage! What else is this infertility journey going to throw at me?

Before 2 weeks ago I didn’t even know you could be sort of pregnant, but apparently get a low beta HcG and whamo, pregnancy hormone there but not high enough to shout out your pregnant.

I started bleeding at 5am this morning then the pain got worst at times feeling like a hot knife from my insides. The fertility nurses said to go to emergency.

Obstetrician felt around did an ultrasound seems to be “just” a miscarriage. Relieved it wasn’t ectopic but saddened that our little one has definitely slipped away.

I cried a lot on the weekend. Feeling the loss and emptiness. Hubby took me out for breakfast both days. He is so amazing to me. I really didn’t want to go anywhere though. I had cancelled lunch with friends. What I really want to do is go back to the old me. The one who was just so happy with an adorable husband, great friends and not feeling this emptiness and sadness.

I felt so bad on the weekend. I felt bad I’ve let everyone down. Including my sister as we were meant to go to light up on Saturday night.

Infertility takes you on a crazy ride of amazing highs and aching lows. I’m convinced that you can’t come out of it as the same woman you went in. You come out resilient and strong, two qualities I assume will serve well for motherhood. Once I get there.

Still waiting,


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One thought on “Squawk Box: Waiting – Part 2

  • June 20, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    This is beautifully written, Steph. What a sad ending to this part of your journey. I pray you find peace and comfort soon, and I pray you ultimately get the family I know you deserve.


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