watch-1Hey Lovelies,

Welcome to your June squawk box! I don’t even know how it’s June already, but, here we are! Thank you to all the lovely people who wrote in with their stories so far. Keep them coming- submit here.

Without further ado, here is Steph’s story.  Steph writes to us from the trenches. She is trying to get to motherhood though it’s taking longer than she’d thought. The picture today is of woman checking her watch. I chose it for two reasons. 1) I like that Steph wrote everything down in timeline format and 2) because as the infertility journey ticks along it can feel a lot like time is slipping past while you stand waiting. This is a two parter. Start today and then second half on Thursday- Make sure you check back in!

 

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Waiting (Part 1)

Written by: Steph

Published with the author’s permission.

Australia Day 2015 – I woke up as I often do… Way too early (especially for a national holiday), restless from the coughs and splutters of the air con kicking in beyond my bedroom wall and realising the nightmare I had in the snoozes of the night is my reality. Still not pregnant after 15 months! And still neurotic despite the strained smiles. I had my HyCoSy on CD 10 this month. It went a little something like this “Ooo nice follicles, you may go back to school pregnant, go home and try every second day after this. Beautiful gorgeous uterus it will make the perfect womb for your baby. Turn the camera this way….Hmm, I wasn’t expecting this…We can’t find your Fallopian tubes. They may have spasmed, you can do this test asleep.”

So Wednesday I have an appointment with the specialist who will most like book me in for a laparoscopy. The doctor predicts endometriosis may be causing a blockage in the tubes. I’m so angry! I see overweight and underweight woman with baby bumps. I go to extremes, even switching to organic shampoo to be in best health and my mechanics fail me.

8th July 2015 – Still waiting for my laparoscopy. Not until August.

I have my days, pregnancy announcements can bring on the water works. Other days I really appreciate the freedom of being child-free. On those days, which are more often then not, I’m accepting of the time and freedom I have to do whatever I like.

18th August 2015 – As I lie here with four stitches in my abdomen four days post surgery. I think of all the things I wish I could’ve said when you’ve said…

“Just relax it will happen for you when you relax”. I was super relaxed when I first started all this. I was on a month long holiday seeing sites of Italy, Spain, Turkey. My biggest decision was where and what to eat. I didn’t have a care in the world! I thought it would happen for me the very first time. Why would I have been anything but relaxed? Since then I’ve been to Europe again. Yep, twice in less than a year, add to the list cruises, weekends away, double dates, movie date, lunch dates, yoga, Pilates, body balance, Acupuncture… how much more relaxed can I get?!

“Haha we fell the first time! I just have to look at a baby and a fall pregnant”
Well how lucky are you! You will never know the true complexity of the miracle that just occurred, that one time, that one night. Luck must have really been on your side because I think I’d have more luck winning the lotto.

“I can be your surrogate, I’m super fertile”.
Thanks but that’s not useful for me at all! That’s nice you’re so fertile, how am I supposed to react to the fact that I’m not. The prospect of being denied the privilege of a growing belly can’t be taken away from me. Are we there? At that point?

“So and so told me you’d been trying a while”.
Wow! How very nice that the status of my ovaries, Fallopian tubes and/or uterus have been the topic of conversation over tea break when I’m not in the office. How lovely indeed.

If you have a friend, sister, colleague, that has been trying for over year those comments are really not what a sister needs to hear.

Try something like: since your child-free let’s go dancing on the weekend, let’s go out get pregnant bellies on really good food, let’s drink lots of wine while you still can!

Fathers Day 2015 6.9.15 – I’m still riding the grief cycle of being told my Fallopian tubes are blocked post-surgery a week ago. I feel a part of me is broken, I’m less of a woman, I hate myself. I trawl the Internet on a daily for IVF success stories, failed IVF stories, natural remedies for tubal health and living a child free life after infertility. And getting no clarity on the matter.

Some days I feel optimistic as, by Gods miracle, it could happen naturally and other times I just feel an overwhelming sense of loss as it’s just impossible and lose all hope in the dream of having a son or daughter of our own.

I visualize myself climbing the linen cupboard and hurling the treasured baby items I’ve collected over the 2 years across the room so they will be broken and damaged just like me.

Father’s Day today sucks. I mourn over what this day should’ve been. Like many of our friends that will wake up to the giggles of a newborn or the energy of a toddler. Deserving dads receiving toddler made cards or ties and plenty of hugs by their little one. Instead, here I lie 10am still in bed, Hubby asleep beside me with a clear schedule for this Sunday.

11th September 2015 – Today a colleague comes in for lunch with her 9 week old baby boy. He was restless and unsettled after being held by 6 ladies before me. Somehow he settled to the rhythm of my swaying and he fell asleep in my arms. The most. Beautiful thing. In the world. When my day comes I will hold our baby in my arms and feel the rise and fall of their chest against mine. And just watch. Adoringly.

Monday 21st SeptemberDay 8 of Chinese herbal tea. Twice a day I throw down the brown murky warm drink in hope that a miracle might occur. It tastes disgusting but “hope is the only thing stronger than fear.”

Thursday 15th OctoberOnce I finished the 3 week dose of herbs, something inside me, gut instinct, screamed at me to abandon the herbal ship. So here I am today on the way to the city in response to the SMS to start gonal.

Ok. Let the IVF journey begin…

Steph

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