Hey there Lovelies,
How about a lighter micro today? LOL I was looking back over all the last ones and DAMN, heavy and crappy. I mean, I want to make sure that I tell the real story about how hard the first few days were for me as a parent, because I strive to be honest, but if I’m being honest I need to also talk about now. And NOW things are, actually, really fucking awesome! So, let’s tackle something amazing, and controversial, just quickly…
I cannot adequately describe the love I feel for my small son, but it is overwhelming. It hits me like a bag of bricks and pins me down. It’s a fucking miracle that I don’t actually inhale him in my attempt to snuggle him close. Now, this is not to say that “I didn’t know love until I had a child”, I still call bullshit, but this IS a different flavour of love that is difficult to fit into your life before. I caught whiffs of this type of love through caring for the boys I nannied. I’m sure that those of you with nieces and nephews know of this love as well! It’s no different really… it’s the same, the love for a small child, but as a parent I find it’s different in its intensity. It feels exactly the same, except I’m drowning in it. There is no break where I am apart from those kiddos and get a small reprieve from it. Instead this love surrounds me like baby love soup. It becomes all consuming. So, while I knew love before, and even knew the love of a small child, I really didn’t know this intensity. I think it’s the intensity that makes fertile, and sometimes infertile, parents say that they didn’t know love before.
I think it’s the all-consuming nature of your caring as a parent that achieves this love and that that makes it slightly different from the love you’ve felt before. This all-consuming baby love soup, the day in day out nature of it. I believe 110% that parents of donor conceived babies feel completely the same feelings. That parents of adopted babies feel completely the same feelings. That aunts and uncles that take in orphaned nieces and nephews feel completely the same feelings. That step-parents, who are parenting, feel completely the same feelings. It’s in loving that child, like you have loved any child before you were parenting, but done 24/7 that makes you aware that love can exist this intensely.
I feel certain that the longer my son is in my life the more intensely I will continue to feel this feeling. It probably continues to increase until you think you might die. Did I know love before I met my son? Hell yes, of course! But, I didn’t know intensity. And that, it seems, makes all the difference.
(I hear you, rabble rousers, I know that this is a touchy subject. All I can offer you is that I’m speaking, honestly, from my heart about my experience.)