*Triggers for birthday, Christmas and pregnancy. Love you all, but read on only if you’re able*
I’m no longer in my twenties as of this morning. Today I turn 30! I am not afraid of the increasing digits on my cake, nor am I someone who will mourn the loss of my 20’s. My 20’s were hard and filled with some crazy, intense growth but I am ready to move on to my 30’s. Still, it’s a big day none the less. I am now 30 years old and 38 weeks pregnant. Holy moly. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?!
Last year, my birthday was incredibly hard. The hardest one I had ever had, because I’d passed my 28th year and hadn’t become a parent like I’d expected my whole life. Although last year my birthday was the hardest, it was really just the cherry on the part of the year that I dreaded most. The entire winter holiday season was always excruciating for me while trying. Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas and New Years ripped my heart out every year that we didn’t conceive. With my birthday and Christmas being the absolute worst of the bunch. Another year older, no baby. Another Christmas, with only our sad 3 stockings on the mantel (me, hubby and dog). Another year past, and I still felt like I was drowning.
This year things are markedly different. This year, I can hardly move due to my incredibly large circumference. This year, there are 4 stockings on our mantel ready to be filled. This year, I am able to birth my healthy baby any time now and so I spend my days wondering if this will be the day to bring me the present I’ve been waiting over 3 years for. It’s almost Christmas time and it seems Santa finally got my letter. My boy is finished up cooking and we will get to be parents very soon.
I don’t say this to gloat. I say this because it truly feels like a dream. I say this because I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so blessed or overwhelmed by gratitude in all my life. I get to be 30, and a parent and, … happy this Christmas?! I don’t know what to do with all of these feels.
As I get ready to take a brief pause from blogging, to welcome baby and re-vamp the structure on the blog, I want you to know that this last year… when I was 29, and not a parent, and dealing with letting go of my many dreams from childhood, that you sustained me. This blog has saved my sanity and my life and I am beyond grateful for you all. As I start this new year and new chapter I hope you will allow this space to morph into something that helps YOU get through the years, just as it’s helped me. Even when they pass without baby, or as another treatments fails, or as you move on to next steps that you couldn’t have imagined needing. That’s my new birthday wish this year: that you all find comfort and solace on YOUR journey and that you hold onto that last, tiny shred of hope. Last year that seemed so hard for me. I hope this year is looking brighter than that for you!