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Hey Lovelies,

Ok, it’s truth time. I’ve been trying to figure out what the fuck to do with this blog and the postings lately and I think it’s best to just come out and say it- I have no earthly idea. I’ve been struggling lately because, ready or not, my pregnancy has crawled past the viability mark and onwards. And, being honest, I’ve started to feel differently… At first it started slowly, but lately it’s been picking up some serious momentum.

I’m feeling different.

I’m feeling less trapped in my infertility cycle.

I still maintain that you are always infertile, but even that idea is beginning to dull some.

I’m feeling like I’m gaining distance.

And I’m feeling so guilty about that.

Because the pain is still there, in the past, and I remember… but it’s changed by the fact that I’m feeling more and more sure that we are getting a healthy take home baby. Soon, in 13-ish weeks, I’ll become a mother. And that’s caused a definite shift for me with respect to feeling infertile to the core. I know most infertile individuals would welcome this change. Where the pain is less and the hurt is dulled and there’s a baby on the way. It’s really what most of us want isn’t it? To be able to forget this hard road and move forward with our life plan. This crazy detour behind us? Babe in arms.

…It’s not that I’m not grateful. I so beyond am.

It’s not that I miss the constant deep ache that there was before I conceived.

Seriously, no one misses that.

But I’m confused. Because I LIKE the person infertility has forced me to become. And now I’m not sure what that means. It’s a bit like being a teenager again, going through big shifts, causing unease- identity crisis. On top of the feelings I’m having in regards to my own journey I’ve also been struggling to find useful and entertaining infertility pieces for the blog.  I really WANT to keep giving this to the community. I DO have a lot of great ideas, I have three or four great and useful topics started on my computer.

But I can’t finish them.

I don’t know how.

Not yet…

I think it’s because I feel a bit like a fraud! I want to keep helping, but I don’t know how it’ll be received. I’m not sure how my writing about active treatments will look now that I’m out of that cycle. I don’t know how to do this, yet.

I’m hoping that this confession- that I’m struggling, that I do want to continue- will make me feel more able to move forward with these posts. As well as with my activism in the community. I’m desperate to keep that all going.

Because infertility has changed me.

Irrevocably.

As I know it has changed many of you.

Even in this new, happier, more distant space I cannot un-learn these lessons. I cannot un-grow into the human I am today.

I want to continue to support and to educate, it’s beyond fucking important.

But I need you to know that I’m struggling. And that my posts may be erratic at times as I decide the best most useful pieces to put up for the communities sake and my own. My identity is in crisis at the moment. I’m working through it, it’s a good shift, but it takes time. Please understand that I’m trying to navigate this stage gracefully, and empathetically, and proactively. I suppose I knew it would happen. This transition towards motherhood. I just didn’t understand before how off kilter it would make me feel or how much I would question my ability to be actively involved in the community in a MEANINGFUL way. I’m not giving up. I’m not disappearing. But trying is hard. I hope I’m doing you all justice by staying.

As I traverse this unknown road I hope that, at the very least, I offer hope right now. I know some people have written to me saying that they appreciate my writing about my pregnancy, as it gives others reassurance, in those dark times, that it is possible to get here. I pray that’s true.

If you have any comments about how you feel this blog is evolving, positive and negative, I really would welcome that feedback. It’s hard to feel my way blindly through the dark and guess at how my posts make others feel. Please let me know in the comments.

As always, sending you all the love and baby dust possible.

XOXXO,
The Chicken

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25 thoughts on “Micro Post: Wish I Knew What To Do

  • September 14, 2015 at 10:01 am
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    Hi Kayleigh,

    I loved your post today (as I always do!) but today in particular. Like you I would class myself as infertile. I am unable to have children without assisted reproductive techniques. Like you I am pregnant – I think in fact we are almost at the same stage – I am 29 weeks. This is my second child – my eldest will be 5 in January.

    I get what you are saying but anyone who has experience of infertility will have an understanding and an empathy with others that most people will never have. Even 5 years on I still live every moment grateful of what I have as I know how close I came to giving up and not having children at all. (My son was conceived on IVF #5 and this pregnancy is IVF #8!).

    I know that your blog gives strength and hope to lots of people still trying – and your constant compassion and “pregnancy trigger warnings” in your posts only make people empathise and understand you more. I have been meaning to write my story for your blog but haven’t yet got round to it. You can read most of it here (https://www.nurtureme.uk/abbys-story/) although as it’s also my work site some of the details have been left out… However, as one infertile lady to another – I’d say please dont give up – too many people need reassurance and a good ol’ honest opinion.

    Love Abby xx

    Reply
    • September 15, 2015 at 2:15 pm
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      Abby,
      I think that going through this long road to get here I have a unique perspective that I will definitely take with me in whatever I do. I do think that what I bring is still important even though that might have changed a bit. But maybe change isn’t bad? I feel bad about it because I feel I am abandoning some people but I guess I am only in the space that I am in. I cant be anywhere else, and there must be value there too.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 14, 2015 at 10:56 am
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    One thing that I have noticed is that as soon as I get into a first person infertility blog or podcast they inevitably are pregnant within 6 months to a year! This experience eventually gets resolved one way or another, thankfully. I’m glad you are pregnant and everything is going smoothly.

    I think you’re on the right track with soliciting writings from others about their experiences. I have something I’ve been thinking about submitting that I’d like to share, but I don’t want to create my own blog. I also think it would be great if your readers could be introduced to other infertility blogs through a brief write up of why you liked the post and a link.

    Ultimately it is your blog and you should write about whatever you like, but it might be helpful for those who are struggling if there was a pregnancy and the ensuing motherhood (first person) portal and a separate infertility portal.

    Reply
    • September 15, 2015 at 2:21 pm
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      Evan,
      LOL don’t go saying that that is the secret. Just get yourself out there, BAM pregnant *eye roll*. But you are right, it doesn’t go on forever so there is usually a time where that person becomes no longer in the trenches, in whatever way that happens for them. I’m glad you are enjoying squawk box, i really think that is an important part of this blog and takes some of the focus off my “success” and keeps it current in more than that space. I would love for you to share your journey! You don’t have to have your own blog to contribute here! Write to me and well schedule your story to go up! squawkbox.unpregnantchicken@gmail.com
      I think its also a great idea for me to do a feature post detailing blogs that I love and why! There are a lot of them and I have been meaning to do that for a while. This was a good reminder. I had also been thinking that once baby arrives I will create a separate section for parenting after infertility. I like that we are on the same page that gives me hope that I’m not totally out to lunch with what the community wants. Thanks!
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 14, 2015 at 11:12 am
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    Life after infertility – your blog show that this exists. For some, it means starting a life with no kids; for others adoption, surrogacy, or a pregnancy. This is your path. Motherhood comes with it’s own CONSTANT ups and downs. I would bet there will be days where infertility is forgotten and you think to yourself – “this mom business is fucking hard!” Write about that!! Write about the tiny toes, the smiles, the barfing, the exhaustion, the inability to stop staring at his little face! The thing I love most about your blog is your honesty, your humor and your ability to understand and put a voice to so many thoughts, feelings and actions that others can’t. Whatever you write, keep writing. Keep writing those thoughts and feelings. You have been on both sides; that experience is invaluable. There are so many others that have been on both sides and have your same thoughts, (and guilt!) You will reach an entire new audience and they will be lucky to be exposed to your blog. My $.25 cents.

    Reply
    • September 15, 2015 at 2:50 pm
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      Shawna,
      I am CERTAIN there will be days when the difficulties of motherhood far outweigh my memories of trying so hard to become one HAHA. I guess there is a certain goodness that comes from having been on both sides. The blog will shift and change as I shift and change and maybe thats ok. I was worried that people would hate me or not understand but I might be overthinking it. Thanks!
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 14, 2015 at 11:32 am
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    I too felt…different once I got pregnant and started shifting more towards a take home baby. The guilt was definitely there! I think most infertiles go through this stage, at least I have read many other posts about this same exact topic/feelings, myself included. By blogging about the new things that are happening to you, you are living your life and what is going on it. You can still post about IF issues, as you have been there, you will never forget. You’re not a fraud and you won’t ever forget. However, I think the pain of IF and the waiting for pregnancy/baby will become less over time. At least it has for me.
    Funnily enough, I am so done having kids now, but I still see pregnant women everywhere and can’t help some of my thoughts that go back to IF times and my knee-jerk reactions. Life has definitely been changed forever.

    Reply
    • September 15, 2015 at 2:55 pm
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      JustHeather,
      It’s a strange in between time… interesting shift happening over here. I think you are right, also we aren’t sure we will have any more children so that part of my IF journey may well be behind me, and thats ok. But yes there are some things that just linger, like those bumps that come too easy, or people complaining about their kids… God, give me strength.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 14, 2015 at 2:30 pm
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    Im still in the trenches. I think I first commented on your blog when you wrote about another blog friend of yours, atleastistillhavehumor, got pregnant. You wrote that you were happy for her but also terrifed of being “that person” who would not be able to have children. That all these other bloggers all around you were getting their babies and you were not and what that felt like and what it would continue to feel like should you not become a mother. I am so glad you arent there anymore. But I am there. So as much as I devoured your words during your struggle, I have moved away from your blog because you are in that different place. I hope to god I am able to be a mother to a healthy child someday. But until then, I get more comfort out of those who are still in the trenches. I check back in on your blog because I like the way you write and have grown to care about your journey, and I am genuinely happy for you. But ultimately you are just in a different place than I am now; you are so much closer to motherhood than I have ever been. And so right now it makes me feel better to relate to other women who are in the same place. I say embrace who you are now. Your history made you this way; you still have things to contribute to the infertility world at large. Dont put preasure on yourself to try to please the inferility community; some will follow you into your new journey, some will not. It’s still super raw forme to read about fellow infertiles who are pregnant, so I check in when I can. Be true to who you are now. I am so happy for you to finally be a mother 🙂

    Reply
    • September 15, 2015 at 2:58 pm
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      Maria,
      I completely understand! I have done the same multiple times. I guess I just wondered if there was a way to alleviate that while still being true to my own journey, thats where a lot of the stress and guilt comes in. But you’re right. People will follow me if it still suits them to do so, I will undoubtedly lose readers as I graduate from stage to stage, and maybe there is no way around that. I appreciate you checking in with me when you are able to and hope that you are coping well on your own crazy journey.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 14, 2015 at 3:26 pm
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    Hey chicken. In the nicest possible way, it sounds like you’re overthinking it. Most of the people who follow you would be glad to hear about your pregnancy. If not, they can unfollow. I follow lots of blogs and some of those women are in the trenches and some are gloriously pregnant. I love hearing about the pregnancies! If I were you I’d blog about what interests you now. You’ve graduated to some extent, your blog might need to move on a bit too. You are now in the ‘pregnant after assisted conception’ group. It’s a category of its own. I think you should stop apologising. You’ve been though a lot and now it’s time to try and enjoy where you are now. I’ll keep following. You show me where I’m heading and why I am doing this struggle. Em

    Reply
    • September 15, 2015 at 3:09 pm
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      Emma,
      HA! I probably am. I do need to stop apologizing. I think i just really wish there was a way to please everyone, but thats not realistic. I need to just embrace my journey now as well, as it changes and grows. I guess those who want to will stick it out with me.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 14, 2015 at 8:03 pm
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    I’d just like to say how I really enjoy your blog. No matter the topic I find your writing to be genuine and refreshing. I am in a similar situation than you,,, currently at 26 weeks after 3 years of trying including 4 IUI and 3 IVF rounds. The last one was successful just as I was almost losing hope. I’m not even sure what I would have done if that 3rd round hadn’t work… Don’t even want to think about it because now, as you do, I feel so much closer to the reality of being pregnant and becoming a mom that sometimes it is hard to think about all the time I spent on the infertility roller coaster of hopefulness and let-downs. It really took me a long time before I started embracing this pregnancy and tell people openly that I was expecting because for so long I had been hopeful only to be disappointed. I spent the first trimester constantly worrying about a miscarriage and up until 24 weeks to really feel reassured. I am so very happy that I have finally got to this stage of acceptance and reassurance that baby is in the way. He lets me know on a daily basis with his kicks and somersaults 🙂 Even as I am experiencing one of the most important transformations of my life… of becoming a mom, I still start thinking about how I will most likely have to go through the same process for a second baby. So even though I feel very different, the “infertile” me is still there in the background.

    You have given hope and encouragement to so many that as you evolve as long as you are true to yourself (as you have been) your writings and shares are important! As long as you feel up to continuing you will have a captured audience.

    Thanks for all the time you put into this great blog!

    Reply
    • September 15, 2015 at 3:36 pm
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      Laura,
      Yeah infertility never leaves you. If we chose to have more than this precious boy we’ll be right back in it again. Thank you for your kind words and that you keep stopping in to read what I’m putting out there! I am glad it has helped you and am so pleased to hear of your pregnancy!
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 15, 2015 at 12:06 am
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    Well, you can still offer your perspective from the other side. That is still being true to who you are now, a mother to be. Or you can just take a break and see what you really want to do.

    Reply
    • September 15, 2015 at 3:37 pm
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      Deathstar,
      True. On both counts. But it’s hard to let go of all the people i used to reach who are maybe more hurt by me now. That part sucks, but maybe it’s just unavoidable.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 15, 2015 at 7:00 pm
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    I think you are on the right track, but I think your blog name may mean you need to take a slightly different direction. This the “unpregnant chicken” and I think it should stay that way as much as it can. Because you have used the squawk box throughout the blog, perhaps you could reach out and find a good writer who does not yet have their own blog, to share their IF journey. I first heard about you (I believe) through “The pregnant chicken”, but you are now, kind-of, the pregnant chicken! That website also as a large “community” and maybe you could work that into your website. Have multiple IF writers, post articles about IF, maybe a discussion board? I think you should totally keep blogging about your life (perhaps on a different section or another blog), but I do feel like the name “unpregnant chicken” should stay “unpregnant” to a degree.

    I have read many infertility blogs, and generally stop reading them after they give birth (they also tend to stop writing)…but if there was a blog that ended with a birth, but then started again with a new infertility journey, I would definitely keep reading that one! I hope this makes sense, and doesn’t sound to much like “give up your blog…”–perhaps just invite the community more, which you certainly have a great start too! This process could also be gradual. So happy for you though and I love your blog!

    Reply
    • September 15, 2015 at 7:45 pm
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      Stephanie,
      Interesting ideas. I had thought about “hiring” more ghost writers or doing more guest posts like squawk box from other people but haven’t sussed out a perfect formula yet. it IS something I am kicking around though. I definitely will put anything parenting and childhood related in a different section of the blog that you cant just stumble onto haphazardly. And I want to keep publishing infertility pieces from my perspective as well, hopefully even after the birth. I also wanted to keep the same blog space so that people can easily find me to follow me, if they still want to, but have toyed with the idea of changing the banner to include a little chick and having it say Unpregnant Chicken -no more- …. Would that be too off putting? I worry it will be. But have thought about it. Thanks for your support and your great ideas! I really appreciate it!
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 15, 2015 at 7:22 pm
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    Aw, don’t feel bad about being happy and in a good place. That’s part of your story! And a lot of people feel the same way too. Part of the reason I kept up my blog after AJ was born was because I wanted to share the drunk-on-happiness experience. Because it is true and real. We need to hear all the stories, happy and sad and everything in between, because all those outcomes are possible.

    Reply
    • September 15, 2015 at 7:54 pm
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      Turtle,
      I do think it’s important to share that part, that’s why I haven’t banned my pregnancy from the blog. I think being real is important both in pain and joy, though with things like infertility I think one is more accepted than the other. But them’s the breaks I knew that when I started blogging. I am glad to be sharing this outcome and think i will continue to share after his birth in a capacity I am still discovering.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 17, 2015 at 10:58 am
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    I know how you feel, I stopped writing my blog when I was pregnant because it did not feel authentic. Why not have two instead of muddying the brand you have built? You can always direct readers to either blog who want to know more about your story. Then you can use this one to create a community and even advocacy and awareness – like Stirrup Queen has started to do. You will probably bring back some readers (like me) who want to support your goal of educating others but find your blog hard to read. I know of at least a couple of people, who want to get involved with you as we can add more depth to your cause (for example miscarriage after infertility, PCOS, other types of ART treatments, etc) and really start to change the dialogue around infertility.

    Reply
    • September 17, 2015 at 11:14 am
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      Jen,
      I have thought about that too but managing two separate blogs would be a lot of work and money. I haven’t decided that I’m up for that. I think after pregnancy (which I tie up in the infertility journey) I will make sure baby stuff is kept in a separate section of the blog. But yes, working with others to expand the discussion around infertility is a HUGE part of my goal. I am interested to hear more about what you and these others have in mind. I am very commited to broadening the scope of infertility discussions on and off this blog. I would love to share more stories about pregnany loss, PCOS, various treatments… Please contact me directly with more specifics to fill me in – unpregnantchicken.appearance@gmail.com . I very much look forward to discussing how we can work together.
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
  • September 18, 2015 at 12:11 pm
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    Hey! I randomly found your blog a few days ago, and I’ve been catching when during my down time every since. It’s been refreshing as we seem to have the same dirty mouth and humor 😉 Anyways, my husband and I are about to start our IVF journey after 2+ years of dealing with a missed miscarriage and infertility, and your site has been helpful. I’m anxious, scared, and excited but you’ve actually eased my mind a bit. Please continue on with your blog in one way or another!

    Reply
    • September 20, 2015 at 2:52 pm
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      Kim,
      I am thrilled you have stumbled onto the blog! I am sorry your journey has been so painful up to this point. Fingers crossed that IVF is successful for you and that your miracle is right around the corner. I am so glad that you’ve found hope and help here. I will do my very best to figure out a way for this space to keep going I really feel it’s so important. Thanks for your kind words!
      XOXXO, The Chicken

      Reply
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