Ok, it’s truth time. I’ve been trying to figure out what the fuck to do with this blog and the postings lately and I think it’s best to just come out and say it- I have no earthly idea. I’ve been struggling lately because, ready or not, my pregnancy has crawled past the viability mark and onwards. And, being honest, I’ve started to feel differently… At first it started slowly, but lately it’s been picking up some serious momentum.
I’m feeling different.
I’m feeling less trapped in my infertility cycle.
I still maintain that you are always infertile, but even that idea is beginning to dull some.
I’m feeling like I’m gaining distance.
And I’m feeling so guilty about that.
Because the pain is still there, in the past, and I remember… but it’s changed by the fact that I’m feeling more and more sure that we are getting a healthy take home baby. Soon, in 13-ish weeks, I’ll become a mother. And that’s caused a definite shift for me with respect to feeling infertile to the core. I know most infertile individuals would welcome this change. Where the pain is less and the hurt is dulled and there’s a baby on the way. It’s really what most of us want isn’t it? To be able to forget this hard road and move forward with our life plan. This crazy detour behind us? Babe in arms.
…It’s not that I’m not grateful. I so beyond am.
It’s not that I miss the constant deep ache that there was before I conceived.
Seriously, no one misses that.
But I’m confused. Because I LIKE the person infertility has forced me to become. And now I’m not sure what that means. It’s a bit like being a teenager again, going through big shifts, causing unease- identity crisis. On top of the feelings I’m having in regards to my own journey I’ve also been struggling to find useful and entertaining infertility pieces for the blog. I really WANT to keep giving this to the community. I DO have a lot of great ideas, I have three or four great and useful topics started on my computer.
But I can’t finish them.
I don’t know how.
I think it’s because I feel a bit like a fraud! I want to keep helping, but I don’t know how it’ll be received. I’m not sure how my writing about active treatments will look now that I’m out of that cycle. I don’t know how to do this, yet.
I’m hoping that this confession- that I’m struggling, that I do want to continue- will make me feel more able to move forward with these posts. As well as with my activism in the community. I’m desperate to keep that all going.
Because infertility has changed me.
As I know it has changed many of you.
Even in this new, happier, more distant space I cannot un-learn these lessons. I cannot un-grow into the human I am today.
I want to continue to support and to educate, it’s beyond fucking important.
But I need you to know that I’m struggling. And that my posts may be erratic at times as I decide the best most useful pieces to put up for the communities sake and my own. My identity is in crisis at the moment. I’m working through it, it’s a good shift, but it takes time. Please understand that I’m trying to navigate this stage gracefully, and empathetically, and proactively. I suppose I knew it would happen. This transition towards motherhood. I just didn’t understand before how off kilter it would make me feel or how much I would question my ability to be actively involved in the community in a MEANINGFUL way. I’m not giving up. I’m not disappearing. But trying is hard. I hope I’m doing you all justice by staying.
As I traverse this unknown road I hope that, at the very least, I offer hope right now. I know some people have written to me saying that they appreciate my writing about my pregnancy, as it gives others reassurance, in those dark times, that it is possible to get here. I pray that’s true.
If you have any comments about how you feel this blog is evolving, positive and negative, I really would welcome that feedback. It’s hard to feel my way blindly through the dark and guess at how my posts make others feel. Please let me know in the comments.
As always, sending you all the love and baby dust possible.