*Mild Trigger: Pregnancy after IF*
A follow up to my most recent post, In the grey. I feel I need to clarify: While I am living through pregnancy after infertility and there are often MOMENTS of fear I must admit I have been lucky. I am not living ALL my moments in fear. I am not even feeling that fear every day. As I approach week 17 I remember the women I know who lost their precious children at this point. I brace for the coming weeks because they are filled with many women who have gone through the unspeakable. Week 24 is when this seems to drop off steadily. Due to medical advancements and better independent viability. So week 24 is looking super bright. But I am not living in the fear until then. I want you to know that while the thoughts of loss are around, and I have them, they are fleeting. For the most part I am very much enjoying my pregnancy. I am happy as fuck to be here and, while it’s important to voice those fears when they arise, I think it is equally as important to tell you that I am not stuck there.
Pregnancy after infertility is a heady and intense thing. Some people become ruled by fear of loss. Because it is all they have known on this journey so far, the terror of the other shoe dropping can remain. And some aren’t. I fall into the not so much bucket.
Mostly, I feel strong in this pregnancy. Mostly, I feel relaxed about it. Mostly, I am handling things the same way I had planned to handle them before my diagnosis. Mostly, I’m not feeling paralyzed by everything.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t moments. I definitely had some hard moments after my bleeding episode in week 14. However, I want to give hope that these moments don’t necessarily rule your life. Pregnancy after IF is interesting. But it’s also sort of like every other pregnancy out there in that they are all different. So, if you feel fear intensely: that is fine and normal. If you don’t: also fine and normal. Pregnancy is a big shift all around, all manner of reactions are typical. Hormones and emotions will shift from day to day or month to month as things progress and change. Be gentle on yourself. I hope you are finding the light at least as often as you are visited by the dark on this journey. I wanted to be honest and let you know that I have been walking in the light with only brief moments of shadow.