*Trigger Warning: This is an update post about my pregnancy. It will discuss emotions and ideas about becoming a parent. If you have stayed with me thus far I respect your path might be different than mine. I want you to take care of you first. XOXXO*
Good Morning Lovelies,
It’s been a bit since I did an update about the actual pregnancy I’m experiencing, I think the last one was at 15 weeks when I experienced the bleed, but that was more about the bleed and being afraid… and before that? Our 7 week viability ultrasound. So yeah, it’s been a while. That’s because I want to try to keep this space open and helpful for people who are still walking their own hard journey and I feel like talking too much about my own pregnancy can be very alienating. But some things just need to be updated… Like how I am now 20 weeks pregnant.
For a pregnancy that lasts on average 40 weeks.
Half. Way. There.
This feels big. It’s not simply that I’ve reached the halfway mark that feels huge, which it does, it’s that the medical community notices the difference as well. Before 20 weeks gestation a pregnancy loss if termed a miscarriage. After 20 weeks it’s a still birth. Before 20 weeks if there are complications in the pregnancy I go to the ER and get a Dr. that has limited experience with all things Obstetrical and we basically cross our fingers. After 20 weeks I walk my worried ass straight into the maternity ward where I am seen by people who know what the hell they are doing and I won’t have to wait 3 hours to be seen. So, yeah it feels very different. It’ll feel even more extreme once I pass 24 weeks because that is the point where Dr.’s will use medical intervention to save my child’s life if born early. That’s only a month away and it feels much closer, more tangible. That take home baby status, I can taste it.
For me it’s marked a slower but definite shift in how I think about my pregnancy, too. At the beginning I spent a lot of mental effort thinking about being pregnant. What would it feel like? How fast could I hit 12 weeks? When should I buy maternity clothes? When was it safe to start buying baby things? With a long chorus of “Please still be pregnant, please still be pregnant, please still be pregnant…” in the background. That’s now changing. Instead of thinking about my pregnancy I now find that I am thinking more and more about my baby. How big it is. What it is capable of doing now. Sitting quietly marveling at it’s movements. And planning for the life we will all have. How will my labour go? I’ve booked my doula and am making my birth plan. We have planned out the nursery and will start to set that up after 24 weeks, and that means that things must be purchased before that point. I have started compiling baby clothing from friends, neighbours and family. I am washing them and sorting into appropriate age buckets. I am planning now, not to be pregnant, but to be a mom.
I am planning now, for my child.
And that IS different. I never allowed myself to do that in the early days of pregnancy. I’ve been reluctant to do so until this point. I still find myself debating on if it’s too early to do certain things, but more often than not I tell myself “No, it isn’t.” I am pregnant, I am closing in on birth. The end lines are in sight and I’m in training. I need to get things ready and start making transitions in my head. From me-Kaeleigh to me-Mom. It’s incredibly overwhelming and exhilarating and scary. And I almost died from gratitude overload even writing it.
Thank you science for allowing this pregnancy. Thank you hubby for being my rock when I was sure we’d never get here. Thank you to my family and friends whose support has been unwavering. And thank you to all of you for being my community and support system through it.
I am half way. I am grateful.