*Trigger fucking warning! I’m going to discuss pregnancy in this post. And it’s not all rainbows and happiness. While I welcome feedback, and am expecting a certain level of backlash, I want you to protect yourself first. So if a whiny post about pregnancy symptoms is going to trigger you and leave you upset all day, please god, don’t read on.*
Truth talk. I am sick to fucking death of feeling like sickness and death!! Hate me all you want. I know you’re over there like judgy assholes tisking me but-It’s. Not. Enjoyable.
There, I said it.
One second, while the shock and gasping subsides… I know, this is basically setting me up to be crucified. I know, I should shut my god-damned, pregnant, fucking mouth. I know, how everyone would happily take morning sickness and cankles and whatever to get a baby. I understand. Obviously, so would I … I knew what I was signing up for when I did IVF. I knew full well what was coming when I paid through the nose and shot myself full of hormones every day. At least I hoped and PRAYED it would come. I definitely WANTED to feel like shit! So, let’s all just UNCLENCH and unpack this for a bit. Because I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not allowed to hate feeling like shit for going on 4 weeks straight!
As an infertile, I’m not allowed to say that. Because I wanted this baby desperately. Because I paid to get here. Because I know damn well that everyone else in the community would trade me places and NOT WHINE. But this is horse shit you guys:
Am I happy I’m pregnant? Holy shit, YES!
Am I happy that baby is strongly attached in there and it making me feel like shit? Obviously, YES.
Would I take 1,000 years of this sickness to get a baby at the end? I like to think HELL YES.
Am I happy that I can no longer enjoy food or even water? That things like cinnamon buns and ice cream make me want to bolt for the toilet? No.
Am I happy that no one wants to sit on the same couch as me because I have horrendous gas and it stinks like death? No.
Am I happy that my heartburn has been so bad that I actually wondered if you can die from it? Like so bad I googled the difference between heartburn and a heart attack? No.
These things are not fun. Having wanted this pregnancy more than desperately does not make them fun. There’s a myth floating around that because I struggled to get here that it’s all just joy. Or that I should fake it and make it all joy. Fuck that. I am not a robot. I’m capable of experiencing intense joy and intense discomfort in the same breath. Sometimes, I want to puke so badly that I could cry but I’m simultaneously smiling because I know that means baby is still alive in there. But just because I’m smiling that it’s alive doesn’t REMOVE the crying because I’m feeling awful.
They happen… together.
I am not saying that I’ll complain on here about these things. I know that’s horribly insensitive. I just thought I needed to do anyone who’s ever been pregnant after infertility a solid and remind people that going through infertility doesn’t mean the first trimester isn’t hard! Just because I went to the ends of medical treatment to get pregnant does not mean that all day sickness and stinky, painful gas is fun! Pregnancy is allowed to be a big shift for infertiles just like it is for the rest of humanity. You’re growing a human. It’s not like it’s easy.
Let the crucifixion begin!
*Update: I’m now 11 weeks pregnant and, thank Christ, things have let up. I still have the odd wave of sickness but it’s totally manageable now. So, if you are going through this and want to die and can’t imagine 8 more months of this… take heart, it truly doesn’t last forever.*