Ok… time to come clean. I’m fucking losing it. The period between egg retrieval and embryo transfer is torture. When you know that, in a lab somewhere, your precious embryo-babies exist. Those babies that you’ve been aching for, literally, for years. I’m not handling it well. I’m handling it even worse because I feel I’m expected to pass along every scrap of information I have. At all times. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I know anything tangible yet!
I haven’t researched this or gone through this before. I’m learning as I go, clumsily.
I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t have a crystal ball, I wish I knew how it would pan out!
Honestly, it’s enough work to try to hold my shit together in general right now. I can’t mentally handle having to field questions all day long on top of that. Questions about fertilization, or cell division, or how many embryos are still alive. Those are like living things in my mind, people! It’s scary and depressing to keep analyzing them for signs of death! I would like it very much if none would die, but that’s not reality.
And yet, I know that people want to know how things are going. Because of my break down I’m sure you assume it’s not going very well. But that’s not correct. Here’s the info I’m willing to share: We still have embryos growing. We’re lucky and all of them are excellent quality… That’s it.
I very much want to be open about the IVF process, to be informative, because people need this information. I also really want to share my personal story. I promise! That’s why I started this blog in the first place. But right now it’s all too close, and too raw, and too scary. So, at this time, I need to institute a bit of radio silence. Just for a little while. To take some time just for me and my little family.
Right now I can’t focus on teaching, or advocating, or leading. All I have space for is this life we’re trying to bring into the world.
I thank you all so much for your support and prayers and love. The hubby and I really appreciate it. Please trust that I’ll update you further as I gain some distance and have some time to wrap my own head around it all. But for now I need to breathe.
I’ll be back soon. Then I’ll fill you in on all things gnarly and interesting about this process. I just can’t do it at this moment.
Hoping you understand,
P.S. I’ll likely continue to post things occasionally to Twitter because that infertile community is better than Google at helping me understand this shit. If you are DYING for information feel free to stalk my tweets on there.