Hello lovelies,

Well, it happened… My birthday that is. This past weekend I turned 29. This is not that ominous all on its own. I mean, I have no qualms about getting older as some women do. I like that I’m aging, I feel I learn a lot each year and treasure that growth. But, unfortunately, turning 29 has special significance tied to baby-making for me. See, I always assumed I would have my first child at 28. Well, assumed isn’t really correct, it was more like planned. In my” life-planner” I had decided that this would be the best age to have one’s first child. Objectively. I’ve thought this since I was in my late teens. I just assumed it would happen. It seems to just happen for most everyone, doesn’t it? But now my birthday has passed and I have not, in fact, had a baby… I have to say it’s left me feeling slightly overwhelmed!

Having been trying to conceive for some time it seems silly to me now that I would have had a “date” in mind for bearing our babes. It obviously seems shockingly foolish in hindsight. But I did. I always thought that by 28 I would be established in my life: have a house, be married, have been together long enough to really know one another without the pressure of kids, would have traveled, have money in the bank… It would obviously be the perfect time to start our family! All of these things have indeed occurred. We are ready. So very fucking ready. And yet, no baby. But even thought we’ve been struggling to get pregnant I have clung onto this notion all year. I’m 28! It’s ok… I get to be a parent at 28!! It was as if, maybe, the universe just knew that I wanted to be a mom at 28 and so that’s why we haven’t gotten pregnant the last two and a half years! But now that I was 28, bring it on. But then months dragged on and nothing. Drugs came and drugs went and nothing. Then our first IUI happened. Perfect. I looked through the calendar and if this one worked I would at least be pregnant by 28. Pregnant mind you, not a mother, but I was willing to stretch the fabric of my plan to make it fit. But then it didn’t happen. I wasn’t pregnant. And then I was 29.

So even if we’re incredibly lucky this second round, and I do wind up pregnant, I will still be 29. I will still have to come to grips with the unraveling of an idea that I have clung to during the ups and downs of treatment. All of my dreams about what my little family would look like at this point are all for naught. We still don’t have a baby. Our family is still only two. And I’m 29.

29.

29 without a baby.

As this sinks in and I cope with the shittiness that it is I also start worrying about how in only one more year I will be 30. The year at which female fertility starts plummeting off a cliff!! Well, most females… I, on the other hand, am apparently already in steep decline. But what does the big 3-0 mean for me? Me with my itty-bitty eggs? Me with my already diminished ovarian reserve?

Will my fertility fall off sharply AGAIN at 30?

If it does will I be capable of conceiving at all?

I never believed I would have to ponder this. I truly believed that some time in my 28th year I would have a baby and I’d be getting on with life. It never occurred to me that I would get this close to 30 without a child. What now? As I pass all of these milestones in my life, marking year after year… birthday, Christmas, New Year, Summer, birthday… How do I cling to hope? How can hope be constant as my life changes and rushes on? I feel as though it is slipping through my fingers, no matter how hard I try to hold on. I wish I knew. I wish I knew what the future holds. I wish I knew if trying past this point will be rewarded. I wish I knew if IVF would work for us. But I don’t. I don’t know anything.

Here I am at 29. With no baby. And slipping hope.

Love,
Unpregnant Chicken

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15 thoughts on “Turned 29

  • December 1, 2014 at 1:39 pm
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    First, happy birthday!

    Second, I think so many of us have experienced this. Even knowing how silly it is once we start experiencing problems, we still feel crushed by it not happening by the time we set in our minds. Letting go of a dream built up in childhood is hard. I have struggled with the same. I’m sure most of us IF’ers have. Not that it is any consolation, just know you aren’t alone in mourning yet another dream you have to let go of. We all totally get it.

    Reply
    • December 1, 2014 at 1:44 pm
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      Angela,
      Thanks. I really appreciate the kind words. It can be so hard to keep your head up as you watch your dreams fall away one by one. Well, today I need a good cry. But tomorrow is another day. Gotta keep on.
      XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
  • December 1, 2014 at 1:49 pm
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    I know the feeling. The last several New Years and the last several birthdays and the last several Mother’s Days have involved me saying… next year by this time we might have a baby. Today on my 34th birthday, I’m saying the same. But with fertility treatments on the go, this may be my best chance for that to come true. Best of luck to you, my friend.

    Reply
    • December 1, 2014 at 4:25 pm
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      Renuka,
      I know you’re right. It’s just very hard to see it from right here.
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
  • December 1, 2014 at 3:49 pm
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    Just keep changing the date on your driver’s license until you get pregnant. Then you’ll be 28! Just like you always imagined!

    (I’m sorry that life sucks and never goes according to plan :/)

    Reply
    • December 1, 2014 at 4:25 pm
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      Second Voice,
      LOL. Well that is definitely one option.
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
  • December 1, 2014 at 7:27 pm
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    For me it was yet another reminder that I really wasn’t in control…. I am a planner, list maker go getter…. Infertility has a way of taking all the control away making you feel small in your own world. It’s letting go and saying ‘ok if not now when’ and knowing there is no magic 8 ball answer that will squash that feeling of powerlessness. It’s yet another low that takes time to climb back from. May the year ahead be a steady climb to the top of your mountain.

    Reply
    • December 1, 2014 at 7:34 pm
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      Michelle,
      It is that. I’m also a planner. I’m getting better but it’s still challenging. Thanks for the positive vibes.
      XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
  • December 4, 2014 at 6:36 am
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    Happy Birthday. I am sorry for not saying this before. My birthday was the day before yours, and combined with Thanksgiving, sent me into a depressed tailspin that I am just starting to emerge from nearly a week later. I think the others worded it well. It is a common struggle for us to mourn birthdays and holidays as it is evidence our dreams are not conforming to our desired timeline. I have no good advice for countering this as I am mightily struggling with this right now, but wanted you to know I do understand.

    Reply
    • December 4, 2014 at 10:43 am
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      Nicole,
      I was worrying about you as you didn’t post for a while! Glad to hear you are emerging from the pit. It is hard. Luckily, we both know some kick as women going through it together. It’s not a baby, I know, but it’s better than nothin’!
      XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
  • December 4, 2014 at 6:37 am
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    It’s amazing how two strangers can be echoing the exact same feelings: I turn 29 in March and I am dreading it. I always thought I’d be a mom in my twenties, and although it’s still possible, the terrifying reality is that maybe I won’t.

    Every birthday and holiday is bittersweet, but when I feel really down I have to remind myself that it will happen, somehow, someday.

    This whole process is incredibly isolating; thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone and for validating how I feel.

    Reply
    • December 4, 2014 at 10:41 am
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      Lauren,
      It is amazing! Blogging has shown me just how many people out there feel as I do. I am glad I could validate those worries for you and let you know that you are most definitely not alone. Hopefully you find a way to complete your family. Hopefully it’s sooner, rather than later!
      XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
  • December 6, 2014 at 8:40 pm
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    I understand. Birthdays always remind me that I am a year older and without a baby. I’ll be 35 in 3 weeks. Praying for you to have peace and hope tonight. And happy birthday!

    Reply
    • December 7, 2014 at 12:37 pm
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      Betsy,
      Thank you for your kind words. They are a significant hurdle for many people going through infertility. I hope you enjoy yours as much as is possible.
      XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
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