Here I am again. Another negative. IUI will not be how we achieve pregnancy it seems. Yet instead of feeling upset, depressed and angry… which is how I felt after last months result… I really just feel disbelief and numbness. So here’s a new word for you… incredulity.
Incredulity: the state of being unwilling or unable to believe something. A general state of disbelief.
It’s an awesome word. It also really encapsulated the way that I feel at this moment. Incredulity, as in: I just can’t fucking believe that this is where my life has taken me to! It is unbelievable to me that I will need IVF to try to become pregnant. It is unbelievable to me that we are nearing the end of our infertility treatment options. It is becoming more of a concern that we might never have our own children.
And I can’t even believe it.
Me?! The teacher-nanny-baby-whisperer? The woman that friends call when the baby won’t settle? Who knows what “la leche league” is? Who always gives the best gifts because she’s tested them out with kids first hand? Who has good advice on everything from potty training to tantrums to throwing amazing play-dates?! I’M the one that might not have children?!
What. The. Actual. Fuck?!
Basically, this is a new thought for me. I used to think this was a long road, and definitely a pain in the ass, but eventually we’d get pregnant. Maybe I needed drugs, or herbal medicine or SOMETHING… but we’d get there. This thought has been constantly echoed by everyone I know. Every time a cycle fails it’s like “It’s ok guys, next time!” “Have you tried royal jelly? Acupuncture? Standing on your head?” Now though I understand that sometimes trying everything doesn’t make a difference…
For some people the end is reaching the fact that they cannot have children at all.
Now that we are at IVF I feel like I need to accept the possibility that that could be me. I might be that person who, despite everything, never gets pregnant or births babies. It’s all so much to take in. It’s all so much to understand. There really aren’t feeling for this shift yet, just incredulity. The deep disbelief that this is happening.
To our family.
This is the shit that other couples deal with. Not us. We’ve already conquered so many hurdles in our ten year relationship. Why can’t this have been the one area where it was easy? Why couldn’t we have that one child we’ve been dreaming of quickly and painlessly? Why does everyone else get to sit together pregnant at gatherings and we are isolated?
Seriously guys, how is this my fucking life?