Hello Lovelies,

Today I want to talk about transitions and going with “the flow”. In psychology, “flow” is the mental state of operation where a person performing an activity is fully immersed in the process with focus and enjoyment. Sooo… I guess it’s safe to say I am NOT in flow. I would love to be. I would like to be able to just be present with this process with no anxiety and no anger and just Zen-like-calmn-ness. But I am so totally not there right now. One of the reasons it is so hard to stay “in flow” during infertility is that there are so many transitions! All the damn transitions, all the damn time! It’s the worst. Well, that and the never being pregnant!

The thing about trying to get pregnant, and not achieving it, means there are A LOT of transitions to deal with. So many! AHHHH. Which also means a lot of opportunities where you will need to redefine your “flow”. Juuust when you think that you have your shit figured out, BOOM, ‘nother transition. Here are a few of the transitions that have really thrown me for a loop:

1. The “One Year Mark”: When we first started trying I never dreamed we would make it past a year without conceiving. I figured my body needed time to re-adjust from being on the pill for so long and then that’s it… we’d be parents! When we hit the one year mark and I went to my doctor for a referral to the fertility clinic everything shifted. I had to learn to accept that I might actually need medical help to conceive. I had been doing ok with “flow” up to this point but it was thrown for a loop from this point on.

2. Diagnosis: I mean… HELLO!? It was like WHAM right between the eyes. Sure, I mean I know we had been struggling to get knocked up, but I didn’t expect THAT. It went from just taking a long time to conceive to… infertile. Literally. That’s what it will say on my file. Diagnosed with infertility due to diminished ovarian reserve. WHAM. It was a transition I didn’t want. It’s a transition I’m still grappling with. It was like “I don’t WANT to be infertile, fuck you very much!” Unfortunately, mind over matter didn’t change the fact that apparently I am. Trust me, I tried. “Flow” became almost impossible for a while after diagnosis. Everything was shifting so quickly that I couldn’t really find my legs to stand… let alone find the “flow”.

3. Adding medication: Once I felt like I had taken a nanosecond to understand that I would need help to have a baby I had to quickly shift gears again. There wasn’t really a waiting period between diagnosis and implementing a treatment plan where I was able to adjust to my new reality. It was like… “You’re broken. AND you’re running out of time! Here, take these pills.” Okey Dokey. They put me on Clomid and I really hated it. It made me more depressed and less upbeat and less funny. All sucky things. Meds impact “flow” too. Hard to get in the zone with a new routine when the meds make you feel depressed.

4. Needing to do IUI: Eventually, I felt like I established a sort of peace with needing meds. I was juuust starting to understand what Clomid did to my body and keep myself in check during the months on it. Then it wasn’t working well enough… still wasn’t pregnant. Time to bump up treatment. Next stop IUI! Yup, insemination. Greeeeeat. *Porno music* no more just humping then? This transition was at least intriguing for me as I got to see my eggs a lot over the cycle and monitor things and feel a modicum of control again. The illusion of control really allowed me to briefly find my center again. “Flow”! Mostly because I was so sure it would work right away!! Unfortunately, the hubby found this transition much harder to deal with. It really has driven home for him that we can’t just have really great sex and conceive. It made him NEED to take action and be involved in the process. I get it infertility is a hard pill to swallow.

5.Booking IVF Consult: We are in the process of our second IUI, due to the clinics procedures about mandatory 3 months off before IVF it is likely that this will be our last one. After this we have to wait until February, then go have an IVF consultation with Dr. Green-Eyes, and then I start jabbing myself with needles. YAY! I think this transition is going to be one of the hardest. Straight up test tube baby. That’s how hard it is for me to conceive, it will need to happen outside my body! I can’t talk too much about the transition though as I haven’t made it yet, but the consult alone is scary. I’ll just try to retain some sanity through it and probably will not achieve “flow”.

6. Every two week wait: The thing about trying to convenience is that you get treatment transitions but also plain month to month transitions. The two week wait brings up new and old feelings every time I have to endure it. Thinking about all of the new transitions that will arise from this two week hell-hole. Option A, I am not pregnant. This means that I have to go back up to transition number two and relive my diagnosis and what that means for me. It means that I have to think about transition five… IVF. SIGH. Or… Option B, admittedly the preferred option, I am pregnant. That would be cool, but it will also bring with it many more transitions. To parenthood, more responsibilities, etc.

And I guess that’s really the point, isn’t it? Life=Change (Transitions). My friend Amy’s squawk box post was about this concept too. Learning to let go in this journey. But that lesson hardly stops when you conceive. I have many friends that have made their way through infertility to parenthood and they all say the same thing… learning to be flexible is an important lesson and will serve you well when you have children. I need to learn to quickly find my “flow” and I will be happier for it. SIGH! I still have some work to do at enjoying the fluidity of life. It does not come easily to me. I think that this journey has at least impacted me in making me more adaptable. I don’t roll with it like I should, but I have learned to roll with it better than I used to. And to accept disappointment when the transitions are not the ones that I was hoping for. Maybe when this difficult journey to parenthood ends I will find I am a better person for it. Maybe it won’t have all been bad!

Love,
Unpregnant Chicken

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10 thoughts on “Transitions: Going With The Flow

  • November 20, 2014 at 4:15 pm
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    transitions are the worst. I’m trying to take a “roll with the punches” approach to TTC. I’m ok with the idea that it might take a while most of the time. Seeing the Dr sucked. The idea that we are starting clomid in January is hard, but that opens the floodgates. After six months we will be referred to IVF and that will take a lot to get my mind around!
    Versatile bunch, us TTCers aren’t we?
    Great post as always! X

    Reply
    • November 20, 2014 at 4:46 pm
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      Laura,
      I am continually having to re-roll with the punches. Some days it works out … other days are like riiiiiight. *guffaw*. Best of luck with your upcoming transitions! May they be of the pregnancy variety instead!
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
  • November 20, 2014 at 5:01 pm
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    As always, a great post. I always have trouble staying “in the flow” with all the announcements. I feel like I can barely get my feet under me and there is another pregnancy announcement, or pic of a brand new baby, or whatever. Hard to stay in the flow when the undercurrents are pulling you down!!
    Stay positive…. I agree with Laura, we are a versatile bunch!!

    Reply
    • November 20, 2014 at 8:07 pm
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      Jennifer,
      Yeah we really are a diverse group of chicks!Yeah staying on your feet some days is a challenge, when the undercurrent is very strong sometimes it’s best to just aim for head above water really.
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
  • November 21, 2014 at 8:47 am
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    Great post. Yes, I like you have become more adaptable than I used to be. But I definitely still need to work on my attitude when something unexpected pops up.

    Reply
    • November 21, 2014 at 5:36 pm
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      Nicole,
      Thank you! Yeah I think you have to learn to go with it or you’d maybe die!! Being flexible hurts, I’m not much of a fan, but it is necessary. Sort of like Yoga. 🙂 Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
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  • November 24, 2014 at 10:01 am
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    “Going with the flow” in this process is like trying to dance while running on barrels and having to periodically hop from one barrel to another when all the barrels are going different speeds and also some of them have spikes. My thoughts.

    Reply
    • November 24, 2014 at 4:29 pm
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      Second Voice,
      That is the perfect visual. Yes, yes, YES!!! Its like that Mario game for Wii where you are racing and the screen moves with you and you have to react almost before you can see the next obstacle.
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
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