Hello Lovelies,

So, the last few weekends we have had family event after family event to attend. And with the holiday season upon us that is unlikely to let up any time soon. I am really missing my weekends and am feeling a little run down and stressed.

“What’s that? After my long week you want me to put on my happy, visiting face for three days?!”

“Why sure!!! *Big phony smile* I’d love to drive for hours and hours and then entertain you! Let me get my coat!”


Now, to be fair, I don’t HAVE to attend all the family functions. But I want to see my family and have been taught that this is a part of being in a large family. You just make time. So I do. But it can be hard when you are spread thin and now I have a serious bone to pick. Because lately any time the hubby and I are at a gathering I have to listen to everyone discuss my choices regarding family planning. And I am frankly sick to death of it!

There are a few comments that I can count on cropping up during family dinners. As we are heading into the holiday season, when everyone will have more than enough family time, I decided to list off some of the most annoying ones. Whether it comes from your parents, your sibling, your nosy aunt Sue, or that crazy neighbor from across the street… Here is a list of witty retorts for you to use in case anyone tries to pull one over on you.

Comment 1: “Yeah sure, you say you want kids NOW! Wait till you have ‘em!”

Why this drives me crazy: This assumes that people who don’t have kids don’t know what it’s like to have them. I have done a whole rant post on this, so Ill keep it brief here, but suffice it to say that I have thought long and hard about what my life will be like as a parent during my two and a half year struggle. I am sure it won’t always be rosey and like I imagined, I know kids well enough to know that sometimes it will suck balls. But I sure as hell still want them. Get the hell out of my business!

Witty retort: “*Shoot their kids a death glare* Yeah, I guess if I had little turds like yours I’d say something like that too.”

Comment 2: “You really sure you want kids? They are SO much work!”

Why this drives me crazy: One it makes it seem like you regret your decision to become a parent. Also many things in life are a lot of work. That doesn’t make them less fun or worth the expense of time and effort! Saying something is hard is really just asking for a pity party. I’ll let you in on a little secret:  I really, really, really want what you have so it is physically impossible for me to pity you for having your gorgeous child. Screw that.

Witty retort: “So is saving for retirement but everyone seems to think THAT’S a good idea!”

Comment 3: “If you want kids that badly you can take mine for a week!”

Why this drives me crazy: This is always said by parents with little shits for kids. I don’t have a crystal ball, so I can’t know that my children will be well behaved but I certainly don’t want to sign up for whatever hellion you’ve created.  Especially if their bad behavior is so horrendous that it is overriding your maternal instincts… If your kids assholishness is stronger than your hormones to love it I don’t want any part of that!

Witty retort: “No thanks. I intend to parent my children better than you do and I won’t waste my time trying to undo the bad habits you have established!”

Comment 4: “I know some kids that will act juuust like birth control.”1331662653_6768479576_z

Why this drives me crazy: What the fuck are you even saying? Are you really telling me that after two and a half years of restructuring my life and PAYING to try to get pregnant that one night with your kids, or your neighbours kids, or your twin cousins,  is going to make me want to stop trying? News flash I’m in far too deep for that! There is probably nothing you could say to change my mind right now and no amount of toddler whining is gonna make me want to go back on the pill.


Witty retort: “Obviously they aren’t very effective birth control… you seem to still be having them!”

Comment 5: “If only I could sleep in… eat alone… brush my hair…”

Why this drives me crazy: Oh please spare me. I am certain being a mother is challenging. I know that you are tired and sleep deprived. I just cant seem to find my give a shit switch! Sorry! Also, here’s an idea, you need a break… I want to parent a kid… Let’s trade for a day or so! Everybody wins!

Witty retort: “You poor dear. How hard it must be for you to get everything you want and then hate it so much.”

Comment 6: “You’re going to regret not taking better advantage of this time alone when you do have kids!”

Why this drives me crazy: Thanks for your concern you overly intrusive ass-wad. We do as much together now as we can because we DO understand that this time together is precious. We snuggle on the weekends, take bubble baths, go out to movies, etc… I don’t know what more you want us to do? Did I forget to mention that our life savings is on hold because we may need to blow it on treatment or adoption?

Witty retort: “Any time you feel like ponying up an extra 20 grand so that we can spend our savings on something other than fertility treatments I would be GLAD to take a year off to tour the world and enjoy nothing but the alone time with my husband!”


Comment 7: “I 2601083163_eafc22591ewould never pay that much money to have a kid! Here I’ll give you one of mine for free!”

Why this drives me crazy: Seriously what is with all the people who regret having kids?! I think maybe I am lucky in that every month I have to reaffirm my commitment to having children and actually pay for a shot at the experience. I can’t imagine trying for two and a half year and spending thousands of dollars completing our family and then offering to give my hard won child away for free! What is wrong with you people!?


Witty retort: “Wait… *runs and grabs their kid* *pulls them closer* Say that again? I just want your child to know what an absolute asshole their father is. I will also be sure to pass along to my kid that I wanted them more than you wanted your child. Enjoy your years of therapy.”


Comment 8: “If you don’t like puppies what do you want a kid for?”
Why this drives me crazy: What. The. Fuck. Did you just compare children to your puppy? Your puppy is annoying. It doesn’t understand anything and is rude. It is basically nothing like having a child. Perhaps you should see a shrink. Or reference a basic biology text book? Also, I love dogs! I just find puppies annoying. This has nothing to do with how I feel about human infants.

Witty retort: “Well, for one thing, later when my kid is a fully functioning human being with thumbs that can open cans and cook supper… your dog will still be sitting there drooling and shitting on the rug!”

Comment 9: “Sure they are cute when they are young. It’s just that they grow up!”

Why this drives me crazy: People that say this are so short sighted. Basically infants are hard, children are fun and pretty rewarding , then teenagers are like hell on earth. Or at least they can be. But it doesn’t last forever. Eventually they grow out of that phase too… Stop bemoaning your child’s existence!

Witty retort: “ Right. And move out. And have a cool life that you get to watch happen. How horrible for you.”

Comment 10: “You just wait as soon as you relax you’ll have a kid… and THEN you’ll really wish you’d thought this through!”


Why this drives me crazy: Oh god! If one more relative tells me to just relax I swear I will not be responsible for my actions. We’ve been relaxed, we’ve been up the wall stressed and everything in between. This has almost no basis in fact and just shoves the responsibility for not being pregnant right back onto me. If I only did things better I would get knocked up *snaps fingers* just like that!

Witty retort: “Relaxation cannot make me pregnant. Women in Syrian war zones seem to be popping ‘em out just fine.”


Final general retort suitable for all of the above:  “Get off your high fucking horse. If you find parenting THAT hard maybe you shouldn’t have done it yourself! My decisions are not the same as your decisions. Stop pretending that what is right for you will be best for me. ”

I hope that these help you ladies and gents. Even if you don’t feel ballsy enough to say them out loud I hope you keep them in the back of your mind.  They will help you to smile… And try your best not to murder anyone this holiday season. I find that familial murder really puts a damper on Thanksgiving and Christmas!

Unpregnant Chicken

P.S. Resolve put out a similar article written for your rude family members. It is to be used to educate them on their rudeness and uses far less profanity. I highly recommend it. Link here!

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13 thoughts on “Top 10 Rude Comments During The Holiday Season

  • November 5, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Yuck… that all sounds awful. Why doesn’t anyone in your family seem to want their kids? I suggest performing an elaborate ritual to steal their fertility mojo. Problem solved for everyone.

    In the meantime, sorry you have to deal with all that :/

    • November 5, 2014 at 10:51 am

      Second Voice,
      HAHAH. Some do. But they obviously didn’t make any asshole comments that made the list ;). I like the idea of taking their mojo. They are OBVIOUSLY misusing it anyway! It’s actually pretty common to hear crap like this. If you have so far managed to avoid it brace yourself. Eventually someone will put their foot RIGHT IN IT and then… then, my friend, you spit back one of these babies. You’re welcome in advance.
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

  • November 5, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Hmmmmm, I feel a need to comment. It was just last month that you were upset because family did *not* want to be talking about fertility and the details.
    I understand your position but I also think you forget how others may be feeling. Your family and friends are likely feeling bad for you and they dont know how to act or what to say to make it better.
    Also the ones with kids say silly things because they feel guilty that they have something that you do desparetly want.
    You have shared an intimate part of your life with others and with that comes all the good, bad and ugly!!!!!
    I am sure you can remember times in the past when there was an uncomfortable situation and you perhaps put your foot in your mouth….lol I know that I have not only put my foot in I have also opened my mouth and changed feet!!
    You are smart, sexy and so adorable I know that you have a very bright future and I am sending you a big huggle filled with patience to last the holiday season.

    • November 5, 2014 at 9:11 pm

      It’s not that they suddenly want to talk about infertility. However, I see your point. It hadn’t actually occurred to me that perhaps some of the parents feel uncomfortable because they have been blessed with kids and so say stupid shit to try to make me feel not so bad. This is good insight. Thanks!
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chiken

  • November 6, 2014 at 11:04 am

    I hope I have the balls and nemory one day to use your responses. For now, I just chortle and change the subject. But, as I continue on this journey, I am getting more open, strong and belligerent.

    Thanks for the tips! And love the word “assholishness!”


    • November 6, 2014 at 12:10 pm

      Haha Nicole!
      Yes ma’am. After a while my face gets so sick of faking that smile! Sometimes I say some of these… often times not. I feel very good thinking them often though! lol!
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

  • November 11, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    This infuriates me- and I’m not even going through this. Even as a single woman in her mid/late 20’s… who is struggling to find a partner let alone think about conceiving… I sometimes feel there is an exclusive club that *some* parents think they belong to, that people without kids just simply cannot understand. Not even us who work with kids, study kids, and spend all our waking time with kids…. there’s still the constant condescending comments and acting like we have “nooooooo idea what life is going to be like”.
    I’m so sorry you have to go through comments like that, and that people can be so utterly ignorant when it comes to kids, fertility, and all the struggles you’re facing. There are so many people who take not only their kids for granted, but the ability to conceive so easily.

    • November 13, 2014 at 12:44 pm

      Absolutely! It’s like it doesn’t occur to them that anyone can understand parenting, let alone WANT it. Thanks for the support. I think it’s interesting that you find it just as infuriating!
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

  • November 29, 2014 at 10:27 pm

    I laughed so hard at every single one of these. I only hope I get to use one of your responses this holiday season!

    • November 30, 2014 at 12:31 am

      I’m glad it brought you joy! I hope you do too. Set those bitches straight!! HAHA
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

  • April 20, 2015 at 6:59 am

    I am in love with the last one…..I think I’m at that point if I hear oh just relax drink a glass of wine….I may use the one about woman in war zones……maybe…if I’ve a,ready had my glass or two of wine……laughed really hard at all of these!

    • April 20, 2015 at 10:20 am

      HAHA Yeah that’s a good one. Had come in handy a few times. Glad you liked it.
      XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken

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