So, the last few weekends we have had family event after family event to attend. And with the holiday season upon us that is unlikely to let up any time soon. I am really missing my weekends and am feeling a little run down and stressed.
“What’s that? After my long week you want me to put on my happy, visiting face for three days?!”
“Why sure!!! *Big phony smile* I’d love to drive for hours and hours and then entertain you! Let me get my coat!”
Now, to be fair, I don’t HAVE to attend all the family functions. But I want to see my family and have been taught that this is a part of being in a large family. You just make time. So I do. But it can be hard when you are spread thin and now I have a serious bone to pick. Because lately any time the hubby and I are at a gathering I have to listen to everyone discuss my choices regarding family planning. And I am frankly sick to death of it!
There are a few comments that I can count on cropping up during family dinners. As we are heading into the holiday season, when everyone will have more than enough family time, I decided to list off some of the most annoying ones. Whether it comes from your parents, your sibling, your nosy aunt Sue, or that crazy neighbor from across the street… Here is a list of witty retorts for you to use in case anyone tries to pull one over on you.
Comment 1: “Yeah sure, you say you want kids NOW! Wait till you have ‘em!”
Why this drives me crazy: This assumes that people who don’t have kids don’t know what it’s like to have them. I have done a whole rant post on this, so Ill keep it brief here, but suffice it to say that I have thought long and hard about what my life will be like as a parent during my two and a half year struggle. I am sure it won’t always be rosey and like I imagined, I know kids well enough to know that sometimes it will suck balls. But I sure as hell still want them. Get the hell out of my business!
Witty retort: “*Shoot their kids a death glare* Yeah, I guess if I had little turds like yours I’d say something like that too.”
Comment 2: “You really sure you want kids? They are SO much work!”
Why this drives me crazy: One it makes it seem like you regret your decision to become a parent. Also many things in life are a lot of work. That doesn’t make them less fun or worth the expense of time and effort! Saying something is hard is really just asking for a pity party. I’ll let you in on a little secret: I really, really, really want what you have so it is physically impossible for me to pity you for having your gorgeous child. Screw that.
Witty retort: “So is saving for retirement but everyone seems to think THAT’S a good idea!”
Comment 3: “If you want kids that badly you can take mine for a week!”
Why this drives me crazy: This is always said by parents with little shits for kids. I don’t have a crystal ball, so I can’t know that my children will be well behaved but I certainly don’t want to sign up for whatever hellion you’ve created. Especially if their bad behavior is so horrendous that it is overriding your maternal instincts… If your kids assholishness is stronger than your hormones to love it I don’t want any part of that!
Witty retort: “No thanks. I intend to parent my children better than you do and I won’t waste my time trying to undo the bad habits you have established!”
Why this drives me crazy: What the fuck are you even saying? Are you really telling me that after two and a half years of restructuring my life and PAYING to try to get pregnant that one night with your kids, or your neighbours kids, or your twin cousins, is going to make me want to stop trying? News flash I’m in far too deep for that! There is probably nothing you could say to change my mind right now and no amount of toddler whining is gonna make me want to go back on the pill.
Witty retort: “Obviously they aren’t very effective birth control… you seem to still be having them!”
Comment 5: “If only I could sleep in… eat alone… brush my hair…”
Why this drives me crazy: Oh please spare me. I am certain being a mother is challenging. I know that you are tired and sleep deprived. I just cant seem to find my give a shit switch! Sorry! Also, here’s an idea, you need a break… I want to parent a kid… Let’s trade for a day or so! Everybody wins!
Witty retort: “You poor dear. How hard it must be for you to get everything you want and then hate it so much.”
Comment 6: “You’re going to regret not taking better advantage of this time alone when you do have kids!”
Why this drives me crazy: Thanks for your concern you overly intrusive ass-wad. We do as much together now as we can because we DO understand that this time together is precious. We snuggle on the weekends, take bubble baths, go out to movies, etc… I don’t know what more you want us to do? Did I forget to mention that our life savings is on hold because we may need to blow it on treatment or adoption?
Witty retort: “Any time you feel like ponying up an extra 20 grand so that we can spend our savings on something other than fertility treatments I would be GLAD to take a year off to tour the world and enjoy nothing but the alone time with my husband!”
Why this drives me crazy: Seriously what is with all the people who regret having kids?! I think maybe I am lucky in that every month I have to reaffirm my commitment to having children and actually pay for a shot at the experience. I can’t imagine trying for two and a half year and spending thousands of dollars completing our family and then offering to give my hard won child away for free! What is wrong with you people!?
Witty retort: “Wait… *runs and grabs their kid* *pulls them closer* Say that again? I just want your child to know what an absolute asshole their father is. I will also be sure to pass along to my kid that I wanted them more than you wanted your child. Enjoy your years of therapy.”
Comment 8: “If you don’t like puppies what do you want a kid for?”
Why this drives me crazy: What. The. Fuck. Did you just compare children to your puppy? Your puppy is annoying. It doesn’t understand anything and is rude. It is basically nothing like having a child. Perhaps you should see a shrink. Or reference a basic biology text book? Also, I love dogs! I just find puppies annoying. This has nothing to do with how I feel about human infants.
Witty retort: “Well, for one thing, later when my kid is a fully functioning human being with thumbs that can open cans and cook supper… your dog will still be sitting there drooling and shitting on the rug!”
Comment 9: “Sure they are cute when they are young. It’s just that they grow up!”
Why this drives me crazy: People that say this are so short sighted. Basically infants are hard, children are fun and pretty rewarding , then teenagers are like hell on earth. Or at least they can be. But it doesn’t last forever. Eventually they grow out of that phase too… Stop bemoaning your child’s existence!
Witty retort: “ Right. And move out. And have a cool life that you get to watch happen. How horrible for you.”
Comment 10: “You just wait as soon as you relax you’ll have a kid… and THEN you’ll really wish you’d thought this through!”
Why this drives me crazy: Oh god! If one more relative tells me to just relax I swear I will not be responsible for my actions. We’ve been relaxed, we’ve been up the wall stressed and everything in between. This has almost no basis in fact and just shoves the responsibility for not being pregnant right back onto me. If I only did things better I would get knocked up *snaps fingers* just like that!
Witty retort: “Relaxation cannot make me pregnant. Women in Syrian war zones seem to be popping ‘em out just fine.”
Final general retort suitable for all of the above: “Get off your high fucking horse. If you find parenting THAT hard maybe you shouldn’t have done it yourself! My decisions are not the same as your decisions. Stop pretending that what is right for you will be best for me. ”
I hope that these help you ladies and gents. Even if you don’t feel ballsy enough to say them out loud I hope you keep them in the back of your mind. They will help you to smile… And try your best not to murder anyone this holiday season. I find that familial murder really puts a damper on Thanksgiving and Christmas!
P.S. Resolve put out a similar article written for your rude family members. It is to be used to educate them on their rudeness and uses far less profanity. I highly recommend it. Link here!