Oh please, saaave me from myself!!!! I’m out this month. On to IUI we go. And in spite of every reason to not get my hopes up, once again, I did… I. Am. So. Fed. Up. ARG! I found every possible freaking reason why this month would be the miracle month that I would get pregnant. Every and any “sign” became me beacon of hope. Even though it was a natural, unassisted cycle! I tortured myself by thinking about all of the reasons why it just haaad to work!
Does everyone do this?
Look out for “signs” that this is the month you are going to be knocked up?!
Signs!! Pssh. It’s so ridiculous! And yet, even though it’s ridiculous, every month I dream up the cool ways that I could tell my child that I “knew” I was pregnant with them. Here are a choice few signs that signaled that I must be pregnant. The reasons why I “knew” that multiple months over the last two years and three months where the magic months. I will remind you all that I have never, ever, been pregnant. So, no, none of these signs actually signaled anything remarkable. At no point did these these things foretell of a baby in my uterus. Here we go:
-The moon was in Aquarius (lol… Ok, ok… I’ve never actually had this one. But I’m sure someone has!)
-We had sex and it was a full moon (Seriously. Any month that I ovulate around a full moon and we have good timing I am CONVINCED that the moon will intercede, on my behalf, to the stork or something).
-We had sex in nature (Don’t judge me. What if it had worked?! What if my body just needed to feel more at peace and one with the natural rhythms in order to find the right groove with pregnancy?)
-It was our anniversary (What a great present!)
-It was Valentine’s Day (What says love more than creating another human being with your love?!)
-It was my husband’s birthday (Again, best… present… ever!)
-It was almost my 29th birthday, and I always KNEW I would be pregnant when I was 28 (Even though we started trying when I was 26. Even though I’m pretty sure I always said I would give BIRTH at 28. Even though my ideas about when it would be perfect to have a baby have nothing to do with the natural order that making said baby takes.)
-We came at the same time (Come to think of it… I probably would NOT tell the prospective child this.. but it always makes me think it must be working.)
-The only parking available in the whole parking lot is the expectant mother parking. (I mean… I could be! It’s not a lie!!)
-A psychic said I’d be pregnant in 3 days/3 weeks/3months (Psychics and card/palm readers are basically a crap shoot. I believe it’s possible that some are good at it. Just not this one. I would probably never ask them when I am going to be pregnant. That doesn’t seem to stop my mom from asking though.)
-People I love and trust had a dream or a feeling (This has happened more than once. Always I bank on them being amazingly intuitive and knowing my uterus intimately well or something. Sorry to disappoint you guys, nope, nadda, nothing.)
-There was a twinge in my uterus, fallopian tube, ovary, ass cheek… ( I mean, what else could that mean!? Never mind if I ate my weight in Mexican last night… or did a thousand crunches. NOPE … twinges mean babies!)
-I spotted all month ( This couldn’t possibly mean my hormones are fucked. It can’t mean that things are going badly, that would be crushing! It must mean that a baby is taking it’s sweet time burrowing in. Yeah that’s it… that must be it!)
-I didn’t spot at all this month (This has actually never happened to me… but I’m sure if it did it would mean that I am definitely pregnant.)
-Owls started hooting outside of our window while we had sex (I kid you not. OWLS! We never have owls by our house!! But there they were, while we were doin’ it, HOOTING! Outside our window! Turns out owls are a fertility symbol. Or so says Google. Unfortunately, they just aren’t for me.)
Dear god! There must be an end to the madness!! Well, this month the owls, and the outside sex, and the timing didn’t mean jack squat about my chances. I am sure eventually when we do manage to conceive I will get to gush about how such and such heralded the imminent sticky bean. It’ll probably be just as much horse shit as these last examples were. It will just have had better timing.