Hello Lovelies,

So, I am right near the end of my break from our infertility treatments so far. Actual end date will depend on when my period shows up. I am just waiting… in the two week wait. Even though I wasn’t trying this month. And wasn’t charting. I am still crossing everything and trying very hard not to breathe, or move, lest I “trigger” my period. So silly, right? I know that all of the steps our team has in place for out next round of treatment will be amazing. Like:

-Clomid to fatten up my eggs. Since it was working like a charm before I believe that it’ll get the job done.

-IUI to give hubby’s sperm the very best chance of reaching my egg. No mucus or long journeys standing in their way!

-And progesterone to help keep the evil spotting at bay. Hopefully allowing implantation to occur.

Yippee. I should be excited! Right? I mean, this is a step forward…. right?! But instead there is this sort of overwhelming sadness that I am feeling now that I am nearing my period. If I get my period this month… then we move on to “real” infertility treatments. Up to this point I feel like we have been doing treatment “lite”. And even that was hard enough to handle! I had to wrap my head around Clomid the first time that I took it. It felt like such a big step. We needed MEDICATION! To have a baby! Ugh. That was the first time that I felt sort of “broken” in the whole two years of trying.

But this is different. The impending IUI feels so much bigger. These infertility treatments seem so much more sterile and removed from my original concept of baby making. For example, this will be the first month that I will have to actively NOT have sex with my husband around ovulation. We have to abstain in order to do the IUI transfer. So, if we conceive on that cycle, which I certainly hope we do, it will be through the insertion of a tiny tube into my cervix. Not through some glorious round of love-making that magically reinvigorated my tired old eggs and gave us a baby. Nope. A tube… How romantic. *Swoon*

If I get my period this month I will have to wrap my head around the fact that having a family won’t be that simple for me. I can’t just have enough sex, or the right sex, or at the right time sex. I need to have washed sperm inserted into my uterus and have my body pumped full of drugs to accomplish pregnancy. Well, to HOPEFULLY accomplish pregnancy. Fuck. So, even though I thought I had wrapped my head around this before, when I started taking Clomid, it turns out I will have to wrap my head around it… again!

It seems that no matter how many times I “come to terms” with this I haven’t fully accepted everything when it comes to infertility and infertility treatments. With every transition I need more time to accept the new things that we are adding to the regimen. The changes that we have to take on each cycle because we STILL aren’t getting pregnant. I guess I like to forget, or ignore, all of this. Each month I look ahead only as far as the two week wait because if we have too many more failures we have to bump up in treatment yet AGAIN. And I just hate to think about that! Each new treatment means we have failed at a whole other level. So if I only look as far as this month’s two week wait, then I don’t have to think about failures, or what comes next, or what that means. I live blissfully in the bubble of “what if”. Cocooned in the idea that this month I won’t bleed, that we will finally be pregnant.

Apparently, even on months that we aren’t trying. Like this month, our last month in between infertility treatments. I must have been hoping for a miracle anyway. That is the only way to explain how, all of a sudden, I was terrified and sad. Even though we aren’t trying this month. Even though I’m not really sure how many days ago I ovulated.

I know I should be getting my period within the week. That means, because of my history of spotting, I could start to bleed any day now. And so sadness and fear engulf me. Every time I need to pee I try to suck in, hoping that action will stop any blood trickling down from actually making it onto the toilet paper. Anytime I sneeze, which is a lot because of allergies, I cringe and swear and pray that it didn’t cause any bleeding. I am cautious when working out, and try to go as little as possible. Thinking over and over again “please no blood, please no blood, please no blood…”

Because if we aren’t pregnant this month and need to move on to more intensive infertility treatments then I will have to admit that our problems are real.

If I get my period this month I have to sign up for my first round of IUI. And I will need to really accept the term “infertile” as it relates to me.

This should already be something I am comfortable with, after all, I write a blog about infertility! And if you mean consciously… do I know that this is already my diagnosis, after two and a bit years of trying? Of course! I have infertility! My eggs are older than me and tiny! Speak out about it! Support others! Hurrah! But on the inside there is still this little piece of me. A very small, scared, me with a mouse-type voice… squeaks out “Maybe they are wrong?”

Maybe my application to parenthood was misplaced so far? Maybe it’s just taking a while for the people in charge of new babies to notice that I’ve been waiting a long time? Any minute now the stork will burst in through my door and say that they are so sorry for the delay and here’s my baby. And because I was so patient I get extra credits on my account! My baby can be healthy, and brilliant, and gorgeous, and kind, and … whatever!! Tack the positive attributes on, you’ve earned it! What if I’m not infertile… my paperwork is just misplaced!?

But if I get my period…

Sigh,
Unpregnant Chicken

P.S: I did get my period that month and we are now onto the aforementioned IUI round. I needed a little space from this post before I was ready to upload it for all of you to view. Sometimes things are hard to share… you understand! 🙂

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8 thoughts on “Moving On With Infertility Treatments

  • October 23, 2014 at 5:14 pm
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    Ramping up treatment is scary! Acknowledging the image you had of how conception would go (and even the image you formed after that one died!) is wrong is hard! I know you know this, but I am here for you. I would love to hear about every last crazy detail as you go through this weird, clinical, hopefully ultimately rewarding time. And I will give those eggs a talking to whenever they need it.

    Reply
    • October 23, 2014 at 10:08 pm
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      Second Voice!
      You are such a comfort to me! I am grateful that you are available whenever I need, I do hope you know the feeling is mutual. I am sure my eggies would shape right up if I needed your support!
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
  • October 23, 2014 at 6:13 pm
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    The whole wrapping your head around the concept of fertility treatments is spot on. For me that biggest thing to accept was the fact that my husband wouldn’t even be there when we made our baby. We’re doing IUI rounds and with his work schedule he deposits in the cup and I bring it to the office and do the baby dance alone with a doctor.

    Reply
    • October 23, 2014 at 10:10 pm
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      Parker,
      Yeah it just feels so .. sterile… doesn’t it? And they said you don’t hang around after either. They shoot it up there and then voila you’re on your way. Blech. Best of luck to you! Hopefully your doctor is kind and attractive and you make a baby soon!
      XOXXO Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply
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  • January 22, 2015 at 10:28 am
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    You really, really, really hit the nail on the head with this post. I’ve been dreading starting procedures. I mean, what makes my body so different that I can’t conceive naturally? As I’m writing this I have tears in the corner of my eyes. You expressed so well what I’ve been feeling and the fears that have been plaguing me. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
    • January 22, 2015 at 10:40 am
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      Jenn,
      Oh, hunny. It’s so, so, SO hard. Having to get a grip on the fact that your body just won’t fuction “normally” is a horrible thing to need to do. I find that it happens over and over again during treatments. Wishing you the best with your new procedures. Here for you, every step of the way.
      XOXXO, Unpregnant Chicken

      Reply

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